TW depression, self harm.

[Amberpup9]

Name changed for this, but long time user.

I'm 38 and have struggled with depression most of my adult life. I'm on medication. When it's bad my go-to coping mechanism is self harm. I want to and need to stop this, but the desire is so strong. I can't even explain it and I don't really understand why I do this. I promise myself I won't do it again but I always do. Recently the degree of harm and the damage I cause has escalated.

Can anyone relate to what I'm trying to explain? I'm getting to the stage where I think I'm not hurting anyone else, so why bother trying to fight this.

How can I even start trying to fix this when I've been doing it for about 20 years? It feels like an impossible task.

@ByZippyDog absolutely not. I've really appreciated you keeping the conversation going, it's great to talk about this and it's not a conversation I can have with anyone in real life.

I know I'm fortunate, my sessions are funded by PMI. It's a work perk.

I'm finally feeling the benefit and learning healthier ways of coping and that I deserve to treat myself with the compassion and kindness that I afford others.

The desire to cut is still strong and something I can't yet stop, but I feel like I may be able to soon. I agree with what you said about it being reactive. It is for me too. Do you have insight about your triggers? I have some now, and it's been really helpful.

I hate to think of you suffering. I wish you well and hope you get the support you deserve.

It’s great that you are getting therapy OP.. Also, I have heard good things about the Calm Harm app which uses techniques from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.. it’s free to download https://calmharm.stem4.org.uk/faqs/