I'm a single mom. I'm here alone - my entire family live abroad in my home country. My ex was so charming when we met. I moved to the UK with him when I fell pregnant. As soon as I was away from my family and friends, he started to abuse me. I know I'm stupid for not leaving him then, when it started. It only got worse after our daughter was born. I'm now going through a very stressful and expensive court case to get permission to relocate home to my family with our daughter. Unfortunately my ex comes from a very wealthy family, and has much better resources than me. My funds are running very, very low.
I have chronic depression and anxiety, and PTSD from his abuse of me. I also have ASD and really struggle with making new friends. I feel so, so alone. My mental health has got so bad because of the added stress of court recently that I have been signed off from work for four months. I have medication, but it barely scratches the surface. I can hardly get out of bed.
All I do now is care for my daughter, and make sure she feels loved and safe. The effort of hiding my struggles from her is enormous. After making sure she is fed, washed, played with and at nursery on time, all I want to do is lie on the floor and go to sleep. I just want to sleep.
I know ending my life would be so incredibly cruel to her, but I can't stop wishing I was dead. I don't feel like I can take the pain of my daily existence. I'm empty. I'm nothing. It just keeps getting worse and worse. I can't tell anyone I feel like this because I'm scared it would impact my legal case. I just want to stop feeling this pain. It's so heavy. I feel like it's crushing me.
I don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess I just wanted to tell someone, and there's no one else I can tell. I'm sorry.