I can't stop thinking about suicide

[EcclesMcBovril]

I'm a single mom. I'm here alone - my entire family live abroad in my home country. My ex was so charming when we met. I moved to the UK with him when I fell pregnant. As soon as I was away from my family and friends, he started to abuse me. I know I'm stupid for not leaving him then, when it started. It only got worse after our daughter was born. I'm now going through a very stressful and expensive court case to get permission to relocate home to my family with our daughter. Unfortunately my ex comes from a very wealthy family, and has much better resources than me. My funds are running very, very low.

I have chronic depression and anxiety, and PTSD from his abuse of me. I also have ASD and really struggle with making new friends. I feel so, so alone. My mental health has got so bad because of the added stress of court recently that I have been signed off from work for four months. I have medication, but it barely scratches the surface. I can hardly get out of bed.

All I do now is care for my daughter, and make sure she feels loved and safe. The effort of hiding my struggles from her is enormous. After making sure she is fed, washed, played with and at nursery on time, all I want to do is lie on the floor and go to sleep. I just want to sleep.

I know ending my life would be so incredibly cruel to her, but I can't stop wishing I was dead. I don't feel like I can take the pain of my daily existence. I'm empty. I'm nothing. It just keeps getting worse and worse. I can't tell anyone I feel like this because I'm scared it would impact my legal case. I just want to stop feeling this pain. It's so heavy. I feel like it's crushing me.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess I just wanted to tell someone, and there's no one else I can tell. I'm sorry.

Hello @EcclesMcBovril , I am sorry you feel at such a low ebb. I dont have any wisdom for you but didn't want to read and run, just sending you a handhold and bumping your post til other wise MumsNetters come along.

So sorry you are feeling this way. Please find a Christian church close by and let them be a support for you and your daughter. May The Lord give you the strength and peace of mind in Jesus name.

Call the Samaritans. It's confidential and they can signpost you to services that could help you.
You feel low now, but it won't always be like this.

Sorry you are going through this, please don’t think about ending your life. Your daughter needs you.

Have you logged the abuse with the police?

You're not alone. We support you. You gave so much in front of you, but you need to heal. You're not well at the moment, but that can be addressed with time. Please reach out for help. Speak to your GP and be honest that your are really low and thinking about suicide. Don't be ashamed as you have nothing to be ashamed of. I have felt that way before, but life can be better for you. And your daughter needs her mother. You live each other and have so much to look forward to. Ring the GP now. It's a first step and one worth taking. I wish you back to health as happiness will then follow.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the
Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Wishing you the very very best OP,
MNHQ💐

Thank you very much, I appreciate it.

Thank you for this. I will try and look into it.

Thank you. I will try and give them a call tomorrow.

You have to go to your GP. Antidepressants got me out of that state. I thought about dying all the time, I was desperate to not exist. Counselling will help, nursery might be able to put you in touch with support services too. Once you speak to someone about this you can begin the process of getting better. And you will feel better, this won't be forever.

Thank you. The thought of it makes me feel like a terrible person for even letting my mind go there.

And yes I did log it with the police, but they weren't very helpful.

Thank you for your support. I have told my GP about how my depression is getting worse, and they referred me to therapy. The therapy team said they didn't want to start me on talking therapy or CBT until the court case was over, as the stress was probably affecting my baseline conditions, so they just signed me up for a course on dealing with stress. I'm scared to tell my GP I'm actually suicidal in case the court finds out and it negatively impacts my case. I don't know if that even makes sense, or if it's just anxiety messing with me.

Please call them now.

Don't put it off.

They speak to people right across the spectrum from 'I feel a bit rubbish' to 'I am thinking about suicide all the time' - they will not be shocked andthey won't judge you.

Call them every hour, any time, as many times as you like.

Thank you. I'm currently on an SNRI (third line because SSRI's don't work well for me), but the stress is making everything so much worse that it's all but stopped working. I could ask my GP if upping the dose would help maybe. I have a feeling my isolation is making it exponentially worse and that if I could go home to my family I would get better.

You are not a terrible person, many many people have these thoughts, wonderful parents have these thoughts.

It is not helpful to tell someone in crisis 'don't think' thoughts they clearly do not want to have.
Please try to show some compassion and understanding.

People can't control suicidal thoughts.

You can research this on Mind if you would like to educate yourself.

Do look at increasing the dose, that is what I had to do. Lots of us have been there, where the depression and anxiety and stress consumes everything. There is always hope though, you'll get there.

ODFOD@qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty

You aren’t a terrible person OP, you’re just having an horrendous time, anyone would struggle in those circumstances. I hope you are able to access support, you must be suffering with extreme stress and the pressure of holding it all together for your DD, it’s no wonder you are at breaking point. I sincerely hope you improve soon.

OP is there a family member that could come over to support you while you go through the court stuff? Have you told them how you are feeling? Sending love xx

Hi how are you feeling now days? I’ve just came across your post x

Can you tell us what you need to be able to get on a plane and leave?

Mumsnetters are in an incredible bunch and between us all there will be someone who can help.