Major Mum Guilt For Mistakes I Made With Newborn

[ThisTooShallPass89]

Hi everyone,

I am a FTM to a wonderful 9 week old. Overall, I think I'm doing a pretty good job looking after her. Particularly, I've started to feel confident over the past week or so, that I can tell what she needs and can meet her needs quickly.

Since I've developed this confidence, I've started reflecting on mistakes I made during the first 2 months, that seem so obvious now, but for some reason, I just didn't know better at the time. And since last night, I've been feeling so guilty for not doing better by my DD and allowing her to be in distress/crying during those occasions. It's eating away at me, and I just wanted talk to someone about it.

They all correspond to mismanagement of being outside with her or being away from her.

I am EBF and don't breast pump.

The main mistake was when she was about 2 weeks old. I'm pretty sure I had not long fed her, and DH and DGF took her to the grocery shop (estimated time away from home - 1 to 1.5 hours). I decided to stay home as it was my first chance to have a proper break since her birth. At this point she would normally sleeps 2-3 hours post feed. Turns out she only made it about 30 mins before waking up, so was unhappy/crying for about an hour before she made it back to me.

It's so obvious now, that I should have been with her to feed on demand, even if just for comfort. I don't think i understood the importance or power of comfort feeding back then.

The other major one was where I went for my 6 week check. DD had already been asleep for 2 hours but would sleep for 2-3 hours normally. I didn't want to wake her from her sleep for a pre-emptive feed (as I'd heard never to wake a sleeping baby), so left her with DH. She woke up straight away, then was crying for 20 mins until I got home.

The last major one was going for too long a walk with DH, and DGF do was visiting from abroad. DD was really settled and fast asleep in the pram, so we kept walking, then when she did woke up 4 hours later, we were about 30 mins from home home and it was raining badly so I couldn't BF.

The rest were her crying for 5-15 mins, because I hadn't factored in poor weather conditions stopping me from breastfeeding outside, or choosing to rush home rather than breast feeding outside and not taking a clean nappy outside.

I've learnt my lessons - now I always BF before we leave, and I'm prepared to stop and BF wherever we are.

I feel so guilty about these episodes. I feel like it's really obvious how to avoid those scenarios and I feel stupid for not knowing better. It's eating me up inside that my baby had to go through the unnecessary distress, which could have been so easily avoided. I wish I'd been a better mum for her.

I say this gently, but you need to take a step back and calm down. None of those situations were events to be guilty of. A baby crying for a short period of time is not a problem. Everyone messes up timings, or has a baby wake when they aren't around. Iu can't tie yourself to them - self care for you is important too. Don't keep rehashing the past. They happened, you all survived, now forget about them. I'm glad you feel more confident, you learn about them just as much as they learn about you as the weeks go on - though they change so quickly it's impossible to keep up. But nothing you have done is damaging for her so cut yourself some slack.
I've got a 7 month old and got it wrong many many times. It's part of being a parent.

OP it happens. Honestly. It's all part of figuring things out and as you say, you're now much more attuned to what your baby needs because you've been learning and getting more comfortable in your new role. That's how we all do it!

I still remember with slight horror/amazement the time we pulled onto the 'Lizzy Brizzy' (Queen Elizabeth bridge on motorway, goes very high, no way to pull off, no hard shoulder etc) and as soon as we had and hit achingly slow moving stop start traffic my son who had been sleeping peacefully in the back started crying. Then wailing. Then screaming! There was NOTHING I could do, the traffic wasn't at all standstill so I couldn't climb into the back, I just had to contort myself in the passenger seat and make ridiculous soothing noises and ineffectually pat whichever bit of him I could reach until we FINALLY made it off the bridge and managed to find somewhere to stop!
He's 10 now. Not affected at all. One of his favourite stories in fact 😂

Everything is very very raw at the moment because this love and powerful urge to protect is like nothing else and the guilt is overwhelming (absolutely been there). But 'know better, do better' and that's exactly what you're doing. She's safe, she's happy and you're doing great. Don't keep beating yourself up for learning what to do in the early days-neither of you (you and the baby) have ever done this before so inevitably there's going to be some adjustment.

Be kinder to yourself. Noone is perfect and these instances really aren't that bad x

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. It really helps having some reassurance from experienced mums - I don't really have any other mums to talk to, so don't really know what is "normal"!

It's part of the process of being a mum, OP.

Making 'mistakes' is how you learn to understand your baby and what they need. They're not mistakes, they are experiences that help you figure things out.

Absolutely nothing of what you've said is anything to be guilty for.

This sounds like anxiety on your behalf, these are not mistakes, your child is absolutely fine. Please stop putting pressure on yourself to be the ‘perfect mum’ because it doesn’t exist.

Bless you, you need to be a bit kinder to yourself. None of these incidents was a huge deal. You learn as you go along and your baby is only nine weeks. The things I did! I went out to a medical appointment with no nappies or wipes and my newborn had a massive blowout and I had to ask reception staff at the health centre for a spare nappy and some wipes! Another time I went to the health centre (same place!) and had forgotten to put a rain cover on the pram on a rainy day! They must have thought I was a right wally. I’ve tripped walking up the stairs with my baby and once scratched her wee forehead on the zip of one of her tops. She’s nine now and still alive- happy and thriving.

Aww, if they're the only 'mistakes' you've made you're doing very well. I don't know how my first dc survived my attempts at parenting but she gave birth to her first dc yesterday so I must have done okay.
I was in a similar position when I had her having no mum friends and not having any experience with babies (I was living abroad). Life got much better when the British Consulate gave me some numbers for ex pat baby groups when she was about 4 months old.

I tripped going downstairs with dd2 - managed to catch her by the leg before her head hit the stair - and she also fell headfirst off the changing table when she was about 4 weeks old. I think I just zoned out I was so exhausted. That guilt lasted for years but she's now a Cambridge graduate with a family of her own and looks to be relatively unscathed by my ineptitude.

Best thing anyone said to me was 'they won't rememeber'.
I once went too long without feeding my son in the first few weeks because I didn't know the signs and he was a bit dehydrated, I still feel bad about that and a few other things I did. But watching him now as a strong healthy 5 years old, he's definitely not holding that against me.

Other mums will see you through these first few months. Daunting as it can be, see if you can get to any parent and baby groups. They will soon reassure you that all of what you posted is completely normal. You sound like you’re doing an amazing job

I understand exactly how you feel. I too was EBF and made those “mistake” a couple of times. Give yourself grace. You are new to this role, you are learning, and the fact that you feel guilty about this speaks volumes of how much you care about your little girl. She was not alone, she was with people who love her. It’s sustained unsupported crying that can be traumatic. What you describe wasn’t.
This anxiety and this guilt over little things will get better as she gets older, I promise. You are doing a great job.

My children are in their 30s and I still have moments I'm haunted about a time they fell or had to just cry themselves to sleep. You're doing your very very best and doing it well. You're human and let's face it babies are pretty unreasonable. And selfish 😂

Lives too short to worry about things that have been and gone.

Don’t feel guilty, nobody can give a baby their undivided attention 24/7, it’s not like she was being left to cry in a pram at the bottom of the garden out of earshot, presumably the times she was with her dad or you weren’t unable to feed she was still being comforted. You only thinks you should be able to respond immediately because she’s your pfb, if you have another child there will be times you can’t drop everything to feed on demand because you will be in the middle of bathtime/ dinner time/ bedtime/ the school run etc with your DD. It’s totally okay for a baby to cry sometimes because you can’t immediately meet their need.

Aw OP stop beating yourself up.

Wait till you trap her neck in the zip of the coat - that’s guilt 😬😬

Something I took far too long to realise with my first: no one knows what they are doing. You just get better at winging it.

Newborns are hard. You've really done no harm.

They're barely mistakes. They certainly aren't major mistakes. You're being way too hard on yourself

Just you writing this post because you're worrying and want to be a good mum shows what a good mum you ALREADY are!

I think I'm a pretty wonderful mum too as it goes 😃 and my daughters (now in their 30s and 40s!) would probably even agree 😀BUT I did some things when they were small which still haunt me at times!

I sent DD2 to a kids' music camp at a local music facility when she was 8 or so, she was a good violinist and I thought she would enjoy it, all the fun music activities, preparing for a concert etc. I left her in silent tears, the ones that speak of real distress. She was unhappy the whole 5 days and apparently didn't speak the entire time she was there. I just can't think now why I didn't realise she was the sort of child who wouldn't 'come round' and enjoy it. :(

Second, and much worse, DD1, a very well-behaved child, once laid her knife and fork down at dinner, and declared in a wobbly voice, that 'she didn't feel hungry any more.' This was because I had nagged her and nagged her about 'table manners' throughout. That I had made a good little child feel so anxious she couldn't even eat her meal still makes me feel terrible this very day.

I've told these long-winded examples because they were far, far worse things than your little girl crying/fussing for a short while because you weren't there right that very minute, and still my DDs have survived intact 🙂and we are very close. We're all going to make mistakes as a parent and there will be many other times to come where you feel 'I didn't do that right' but you, as I, learn from them. Your DD will grow up very loved and safe and be fine.

I took my 3 week old THIRD child on the school run and onto my eldests school for a concert in the sling with no changing bag.
Got my middle, walked the 20 mins to my eldest school, got in the concert and mid way through baby pooed! I had to put him back in the sling and walk the 30 min walk home without changing him. And it was by then raining and I didn’t have a hat for him, so he got soaked. I’ve been a parent for 14 years and this is my third baby AND I’m a childminder. Post partum baby brain is the pits, do be kinder to yourself x

There’s a world of difference between leaving a baby to cry on their own and them being with a loving parent. You are perfectly allowed a little break sometimes, or to get on with your day, even if your baby is a little unimpressed.

You sound very similar to how I was - subsequently diagnosed with post-partum anxiety. Perhaps your could speak to your GP or health visitor about this?

I’d also really recommend getting off Instagram/the internet if you can! (Ha what a hypocrite I am). With some time and distance, I realise almost all parenting advice is very divisive and it’s click-bait designed to hit tired and worried new parents. Xx

None of those are mistakes. Everyone takes time to get to know their baby. As for baby crying when you are not there dad and grandparent need to step up and learn to be soothe the baby, you probably need to let dad look after the baby more so he learns. If the be t was so distressed they and they could not cope they should of abandoned the shopping and came home. This is in them not you

Please don't beat yourself up about when things haven't went to plan, they aren't mistakes, things just didn't turn out as expected.
Every single parent has done things that have gone wrong, these aren't done deliberately, things just happen but the mere fact you're worrying about them shows you are a good parent.

Hey OP, we've all been there! The first night of my DDs life we were kept in hospital overnight for observation because I'd been in labour for 3 days. I was so exhausted and fell asleep in a morphine induced haze. In my dreams I kept hearing this baby crying and crying and crying. When I finally woke up I realised it was my poor tiny hungry newborn in the plastic cot at the side of me 😭 I felt so bad!! We all make mistakes at the start (and throughout 🫣)

You are being too hard in yourself- most of us have been the same at times and mum guilt never gets easier! My son had a sticky eye and I beat myself up that I didn’t get it treated sooner, he’s had falls that I was mad with myself about but ultimately he’s fine. It will calm down as baby gets older, the hormones don’t help either but it sounds like you are a great mum!