Major Mum Guilt For Mistakes I Made With Newborn

[ThisTooShallPass89]

Hi everyone,

I am a FTM to a wonderful 9 week old. Overall, I think I'm doing a pretty good job looking after her. Particularly, I've started to feel confident over the past week or so, that I can tell what she needs and can meet her needs quickly.

Since I've developed this confidence, I've started reflecting on mistakes I made during the first 2 months, that seem so obvious now, but for some reason, I just didn't know better at the time. And since last night, I've been feeling so guilty for not doing better by my DD and allowing her to be in distress/crying during those occasions. It's eating away at me, and I just wanted talk to someone about it.

They all correspond to mismanagement of being outside with her or being away from her.

I am EBF and don't breast pump.

The main mistake was when she was about 2 weeks old. I'm pretty sure I had not long fed her, and DH and DGF took her to the grocery shop (estimated time away from home - 1 to 1.5 hours). I decided to stay home as it was my first chance to have a proper break since her birth. At this point she would normally sleeps 2-3 hours post feed. Turns out she only made it about 30 mins before waking up, so was unhappy/crying for about an hour before she made it back to me.

It's so obvious now, that I should have been with her to feed on demand, even if just for comfort. I don't think i understood the importance or power of comfort feeding back then.

The other major one was where I went for my 6 week check. DD had already been asleep for 2 hours but would sleep for 2-3 hours normally. I didn't want to wake her from her sleep for a pre-emptive feed (as I'd heard never to wake a sleeping baby), so left her with DH. She woke up straight away, then was crying for 20 mins until I got home.

The last major one was going for too long a walk with DH, and DGF do was visiting from abroad. DD was really settled and fast asleep in the pram, so we kept walking, then when she did woke up 4 hours later, we were about 30 mins from home home and it was raining badly so I couldn't BF.

The rest were her crying for 5-15 mins, because I hadn't factored in poor weather conditions stopping me from breastfeeding outside, or choosing to rush home rather than breast feeding outside and not taking a clean nappy outside.

I've learnt my lessons - now I always BF before we leave, and I'm prepared to stop and BF wherever we are.

I feel so guilty about these episodes. I feel like it's really obvious how to avoid those scenarios and I feel stupid for not knowing better. It's eating me up inside that my baby had to go through the unnecessary distress, which could have been so easily avoided. I wish I'd been a better mum for her.

My eldest is 36. He was a jaundiced baby and the midwife told me to put his pram in front of the window. I did and lay down and fell asleep. I had not realised it was so warm. Luckily the midwife called for her planned visit. She undressed him, told me I was stupid, that he could have had a cot death. He was fine but I still get the occasional nightmare. I think if we reflect on everything we ever did badly we would wonder how babies ever grow up strong, healthy and well balanced. You seem to be doing really well, try to give yourself praise rather than focussing on the negative. Love your baby, love yourself.

You don't remember this in a few months or years and neither will your baby. Can you join any baby groups locally? Sounds like you could use some mum company.

These aren’t earth shattering mistakes. These are a natural learning curve.
Breathe.
She survived, you survived.
If these are your worst mistakes then you are doing a fantastic job.
Human beings have evolved with parents who didn’t know what the hell they were doing with their first, and had forgotten it all and had to relearn for their second. Babies are more resilient than we give them credit for.
If you are really feeling as bad/ anxious as you sound though, then this could be a sign of post natal depression and you should talk to you GP.

Op is this type of worrying and ruminating a normal way of thinking for you or are you feeling more anxious or down or critical than normal after having a baby,?

What you describe is completely normal. You need to have time away from your baby to be able to fill your own cup and there's nothing wrong with leaving baby in the safe and capable hands of their other parent. There will always be times when you can't respond. Like when you're driving down the motorway and they start crying but you can't pull over to feed.

Many people worry about the effects of leaving a baby to cry (and rightly so) but there is a big difference in a baby being left to cry alone in a cot by themselves than to cry while being soothed, comforted and loved by their other parent. Same as me talking or singing or trying to soothe my baby until I get off the motorway. So what you're describing is totally normal and not in a any way harmful to your child. At no point were they unsafe. At no point were they alone and unresponded to.

If you are really struggling with worries like these then I recommend speaking to your health visitor. A dip in mental wellbeing is very very normal after having a baby but it doesn't mean you need to live with it. I had really bad anxiety after having ds and speaking to my hv was the best thing I could have done. You sound like you're very responsive to your child and very bonded with your child. Sometimes we are very good at looking at the bits we miss instead of stepping back and really recognising the scale of how much we get right. Maybe try to counter act your negative thoughts with thinking of all the times you did respond and meet her needs and make her feel safe with you, all the days in the last few months that you've kept her alive and helped her thrive and grow and develop. I used to keep a list in my phone of moments when I felt like I'd done a good job or things I was proud of. Even small things like managing my first day with dh at home, juggling making myself lunch and still bf constantly, getting dressed nicely for the day, the first time I went out on my own with ds, times I wanted to lose my temper and felt overwhelmed but held it together. Then on bad days I'd read my list and remind myself that I'm doing OK.