I'm truly struggling to hold on to any hope that things can get better for me. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and that the best thing would be for me to just not be here anymore.
My life has been so hard for so long and it never seems to get any easier. Everything feels hopeless.
I lost my mum as a teenager, I'm an only child and the only other family member I have is my dad who is a 'recovered' alcoholic who put me through years of abuse and what can only be described as hell in my late teens and early twenties.
I got diagnosed with a chronic illness at 25 and have struggled to come to terms with this and don't have much support, feel like I'm constantly worrying about the future. Recently, I've been unofficially diagnosed with PMDD by my GP because I was experiencing horrendous mood issues around my period plus I am also waiting for investigation for endometriosis as been experiencing lots of cycle - related pain. I decided to start taking the pill back in January and thought it was helping initially but things seems to have gone downhill again recently.
I'm also having a severe bout of acid reflux/heartburn and feeling extremely sick which is making me very upset and anxious and I'm finding it hard not to worry that there's something else wrong. I'm terrified it's something serious and that something bad is going to happen to me. I'm struggling to eat because I have such severe anxiety that it will cause me to feel sick/have tummy pains.
I feel like I constantly have digestive problems and spend my whole life controlled and obsessing over all my symptoms and I feel like it will never end.
I have a three year old who I adore but it's really hard work and I constantly feel overwhelmed and like I have too much to do all the time. I'm really unhappy in my marriage too, feel like my husband doesn't support me at all, never talks to me about anything, constantly criticises me.
I'm also feeling very bad after a difficult relationship with a therapist which sort of broke down and has left me feeling abandoned and in a really bad place. I'm seeing a new therapist now but it feels overwhelming having to go through everything again with someone new. And I feel in such a bad place that I can't even focus.
I just feel like my life is so pointless. I'm only 30 and I think life is just passing me by, I'm always ill or stressed and I can't find any joy anymore despite my best attempts. I start lots of things on slightly better days and then don't have the motivation to finish them, I feel so useless. I feel so trapped in this neverending cycle of physical symptoms causing anxiety and making me feel like I can't do the things I want and then this increases anxiety and depression and probably makes physical symptoms worse. I've tried so hard for so long to be strong but I feel like I can't do it anymore. And I don't know where to turn. I'm so tired. I just want to go now.