I just want to go now

[Flamingo916]

I'm truly struggling to hold on to any hope that things can get better for me. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and that the best thing would be for me to just not be here anymore.

My life has been so hard for so long and it never seems to get any easier. Everything feels hopeless.

I lost my mum as a teenager, I'm an only child and the only other family member I have is my dad who is a 'recovered' alcoholic who put me through years of abuse and what can only be described as hell in my late teens and early twenties.

I got diagnosed with a chronic illness at 25 and have struggled to come to terms with this and don't have much support, feel like I'm constantly worrying about the future. Recently, I've been unofficially diagnosed with PMDD by my GP because I was experiencing horrendous mood issues around my period plus I am also waiting for investigation for endometriosis as been experiencing lots of cycle - related pain. I decided to start taking the pill back in January and thought it was helping initially but things seems to have gone downhill again recently.
I'm also having a severe bout of acid reflux/heartburn and feeling extremely sick which is making me very upset and anxious and I'm finding it hard not to worry that there's something else wrong. I'm terrified it's something serious and that something bad is going to happen to me. I'm struggling to eat because I have such severe anxiety that it will cause me to feel sick/have tummy pains.

I feel like I constantly have digestive problems and spend my whole life controlled and obsessing over all my symptoms and I feel like it will never end.

I have a three year old who I adore but it's really hard work and I constantly feel overwhelmed and like I have too much to do all the time. I'm really unhappy in my marriage too, feel like my husband doesn't support me at all, never talks to me about anything, constantly criticises me.

I'm also feeling very bad after a difficult relationship with a therapist which sort of broke down and has left me feeling abandoned and in a really bad place. I'm seeing a new therapist now but it feels overwhelming having to go through everything again with someone new. And I feel in such a bad place that I can't even focus.

I just feel like my life is so pointless. I'm only 30 and I think life is just passing me by, I'm always ill or stressed and I can't find any joy anymore despite my best attempts. I start lots of things on slightly better days and then don't have the motivation to finish them, I feel so useless. I feel so trapped in this neverending cycle of physical symptoms causing anxiety and making me feel like I can't do the things I want and then this increases anxiety and depression and probably makes physical symptoms worse. I've tried so hard for so long to be strong but I feel like I can't do it anymore. And I don't know where to turn. I'm so tired. I just want to go now.

It sounds like you could do with speaking to your GP about what help if available, there are helplines you should be able to call locally or the Samaritans if you aren't able to get an urgent appointment. If those people don't know you are struggling, they aren't able to offer extra support. When setting tasks, try bite size tasks which may be more achievable eg. Put the washing on, take it out, hang it on the line as separate tasks, and have a list - things I have achieved today or alternatively a gratitude journal, 3 things i and grateful for today (however small) to keep you going. If you are able to feel a sense of achievement that may help a little. 3 year olds are very hard work, I don't miss those days at all.
When you are at rock bottom, the onl away is up, things do get better. GOOD LUCK and a virtual hug from me xx

Please ask for help in real life OP. Whet it's your GP, or the Samaritans, or your new therapist or a friend.

Things will get better.

Take care of yourself and your little one 💐

I start lots of things on slightly better days and then don't have the motivation to finish them, I feel so useless.

It's so tempting, isn't it, to try to tackle everything in one go when you have that bit of extra energy? But as you've found, they quickly overwhelm you. Rather than exhaust yourself physically and mentally by starting lots of things try one small task - cleaning out one cupboard for example - that you will be able to complete and feel good about?

I could have written your post OP. My mother died when I was a teenager also and my father was long gone by then. I did have siblings but one of them has also passed. I have health anxiety, PTSD, GAD. I've also been diagnosed with GERD (chronic reflux) and have IBS which is only getting worse despite all my efforts.
I've had counselling so many times in different forms (CBT, grief counselling etc), I am now currently with a new counsellor for the last 3wks and while she's lovely it's so far doing very little for me because like you, the more physical symptoms keep up the more anxious I become despite seeing the doctor and hospital appointments and taking all the meds, I can't seem to make anything better. I've tried aromatherapy, meditation, gratitude, distraction.
I just want you to know that you are not alone and you're not the only person who is struggling like this and it isn't your fault either.

Sending positive vibes to you OP. You have lived through some very difficult situations and you have so much love to offer your 3yr old. Is it worth stopping the pill. I generally have a very positive outlook but after taking the contraceptive pill for a year I realised I felt worse every day than usual and really depressed and shouty once a month. Lots of hormonal things can have that effect. Might be worth a try. But also as others have said reach out to people in real life for more support. Good Luck.

We hope you don't mind, but when any of our users feel this way we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

Some further support links you might want to take a look at:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

We really hope things look a little brighter for you soon.
MNHQ

@Nogodsnomasters thanks so much for your reply, it really helps to hear from someone who is experiencing similar and I'm so sorry that you are struggling with similar issues. It's so difficult isn't it? I've also tried so many things already and seems to be getting worse.

@Ukholidaysaregreat I'm too scared to stop the pill as before I went on it I had severe mid cycle pain and 10-12 days of severe pms mood symptoms plus physical symptoms like cramps. That being said I'm not sure if I'm great
on it either.

@WhereAreWeNow @xmaswiththeinlaws I've been going back and forth to my GP for 1.5years and never seem to get any help, they spoke to a psychiatrist who refused to even assess me

Hey! I hope you're okay. I feel the same as you. It's awful, isn't it? Xx

@BirthdayKake really sorry to hear you feel the same, it's so rubbish

I'm just so done with everything. Can't keep doing this x

@BirthdayKake I feel the same.whay particularly is making you feel like you can't go on?

Are you taking a PPI for your acid reflux? And if you don't mind me asking what is your chronic illness? Are you no contact with your father now? Stick with the new counsellor (as I intend to also) and just have to hope something stops this cycle but I don't know what OP as I've not been able to do it myself. I'm here with you x

@Nogodsnomasters I've just been prescribed omeprazole, been taking it a week. Seems to have helped a bit. I have inflammatory bowel disease ( ulcerative colitis). No I still have contact with him, our relationship is better these days but hard to put the past totally behind us. Yes I definitely will stick with the new counsellor, it just feels like everything is so deep-rooted that I don't know how it will ever stop. I feel like I've given up on so many things

Hopefully the Omeprazole will kick in soon for you, I took them for 2yrs with decent success and then they stopped working so I switched to pantoprozole. I have ibs-C so I find when that is not controlled the reflux is worse.
I'm just so tired physically and mentally and so tired of being tired! I'm usually just anxious but now I feel like depression is coming for me as well.
I completely understand about trying to mend the relationship with your father, I've been doing the same for 5yrs.