Can feel myself slipping , so much responsibility on me , no way out

[Frustrated371]

My family have been through a tough time since covid. My husband who had a very successful career and was in line for huge promotions etc out of nowhere had a mental breakdown.he of course had to stop work and at one point was completely non functioning. During this time I had to do absolutely everything for everyone. Go to work full time, look after the kids/pets, look after husband and deal with all the mental health professionals coming to our home all the time. I had to run the house and garden myself, cooking , cleaning, shopping.
The relentlessness of all this plus the worry and stress about my husband has affected my own mental health drastically. I have lost 50% of my hair, aged about 20 years , and I feel constantly on the edge of a meltdown myself. My son suffers from adhd which has its own difficulties and I believe that I also have it but I am undiagnosed.
This worry and stress has slipped over into my work and affected by ability . Not to mention that I don't want to be there as I have so much going on at home.
My manager has been very accommodating but I can tell this isn't going to be tolerated forever.
I feel so tired and exhausted all the time. I have no motivation or interest in anything. I don't, but if I could I would lie in bed all the time and hide from the world.
If I even dare mention my husband going back to work he goes ballistic to the point where I feel he has no intention of ever going back .(he's been off nearly 3 years) I would like to reduce my hours slightly at work at he has refused to let me because "we need the money" but we are 3k a month down from him not working but that's OK? I've tried to tell him I can feel my mental health slipping but he just minimises it constantly , and tells me to man up. I feel like I'm drowning. I want to go to the gp and get signed off work for abit but I think they would fire me if I did as been there under 2 years and not doing well . Feel so trapped

Wow you have been through so much you have done well just to keep going. I think during the crisis you have just kept your head down and got on but it’s had a big impact on your own mental health too which is now starting to surface. It sounds like you are suffering from depression too. What is your husbands mental state now? I u derstabd yes reluctant to step up but what will
happen if you can’t work?

If you want to reduce your hours slightly, then do it! It's not his place to say, "no you can't". Otherwise you may have a breakdown as well! And is there any reason why he can't get another, less stressful job?

Because he's been off so long I think he's developed a fear of going back. He isn't 100% recovered and is still medicated but to be he is 99% there and is just choosing to not return to work because he likes being off .
He was able to qualify for pip for 3 years so I think he's got it into his head that he will stay off until at least that finishes which is another 2 years away.
I cannot live like this for another 2 years.
Like I say if I don't reduce my hours I am going to end up getting fired.
It makes me really mad how it seems he feels like he can dictate what I have to do when he has caused all this. I know it wasn't his fault and I don't blame him but resentment and bitterness is starting to build in me now and I can't go on like this

I’m sorry for what you have been through.

Your husband has become used to you holding responsibility and is scared of changing which is why he gets so angry when you want to change something. He is really good at negatively reinforcing you.

you don’t have to accept this. It will feel scary for him and he will try to force you to stop but you can still do what you want. He CAN’T control you. You can change your hours or quit your job or leave him and you don’t have to do what he tells you.

Your husband has regressed to being a scared little boy and he needs to be reminded that he is a grown up man and a father and he must take responsibility. Poor mental health does not mean you get to abdicate your responsibilities. It is your job to hold him to that.

Honestly there is a chance it might be just what he needs.

Its so difficult because the mental health team that he sees just pander to him. They have actually told me that I should not ask him about going back to work. I should not ask him about the future. I shouldn't put any pressures on him.
He would never admit it but he loves this!! He has always been a great manipulator and he puts on an act when they are here. He acts much worse than he really is.
I have actually spoken to his nurse privately about this but again they just take his side about everything. He seems to now enjoy being the victim and uses his mental health as a get out card of doing anything that he doesn't want to do .

When you say he goes ballistic, what does he actually do?

Honestly OP, I would separate.

There is support and there is taking the piss. There's no reason why he couldn't take on all the home jobs if he doesn't want paid employment. He is taking you for a mug.

You are not responsible for his mental health. He is and he has a team supporting him. It's ok for you to quietly withdraw and let him heal in his own way, without inflicting such a damaging impact on you.

Your wellbeing is as important has his. Protect yourself. Take steps.

I know he's not going to work but surely he's taken over the running of the house?

If he hasn't, then I would honestly think about separating and living apart before you crack.

He's prepared to Sacrifice you to keep himself happy, it's you or him, this is not a partnership, I think you should make sure that you are the one who survives.

Sorry I meant to say that he does do more now, that's why I think he's capable of going back to work. If you saw him or spoke to him you would think there is nothing wrong with him.
By ballistic I mean he has a tantrum essentially. Cuts me off straight away and shouts that how can he be expected to go back to work with his diagnosis? Plenty of other people do and it is now controlled with medication.
I'm not even asking him to go back now, I just want him to tell me what the next 30 years looks like? Because I can not do this for another 30 years
I would have twice as much money as I do now if we separate as I can claim UC on top of my wage!!

I’d say you need to override the tantrums - as in, don’t let them put you off saying the truth of the situation. Say you can scream and shout as much as you want but this problem is not going away.

Then I would seperate. Yes he'll do the spiral thing to keep you where you are, but the desperation from your posts is almost palpable OP. I see this often. Women bearing the load and not having any time for self care and they end up with a medical crisis of their own.

You aren't super human. You shouldn't have to put up with tantrums from a grown man. It's not fair.

Hi Op. You know in your heart what you need to do. You will be better of emotionally and financially if you leave him. So why don’t you?

It sounds to me as though the benefits of separating outweigh any negatives.

This man is forcing you to enable his infantilization, locking you into a dynamic which is detrimental to both of you but much more so to you.
He is regressing to the level of a child, refusing to be accountable for anything and pushing everything onto you.
That's how it looks to me.

Tell him you want a divorce
You don't have to live like this

Would you consider leaving him? Not due to his mental health but his treatment of you in general. How can someone who has been off work for three years due to mental health possibly minimise their own wife's struggles. You need to prioritise yourself now. You've run around after everyone for three years and it sounds like your husband has no desire to give you a break.

Agree that the obvious thing to do is leave him.

would do everything you can to retain your job, and seek help for your MH.

I would get absolutely hounded by friends and family if I were to leave him/abandon him in his condition.
Our kids are getting older now and I fully intend to separate when they arent as reliant on us. I had accepted that I just need to get through these next 3 or 4 years, but I don't feel like I can. It's going to do untold damage to me

Go and talk to your GP and cry. You must prioritise your health. Talk to womens aid. Talk to a solicitor.Keep a log of his behaviour especially his responses to you. Get some support.Then get out. You only live once and you have given enough already.

But this is good news. Your answer to them is to say "I'm glad you feel that way, he can come and live with you for a bit'.

it may be in your DCs’ best interests to do it much sooner. Role modelling etc.

what friends / family think or say doesn’t matter as much as other factors, such as what is better for you and the DC

His friends and family. Eff em.

Tell your family what you're going through. Time to put on your preserver. Ditch your husband and his lot. (I know - easier said than done when you have children, but you have to save yourself in order to look after your children.)

By ballistic I mean he has a tantrum essentially. Cuts me off straight away and shouts that how can he be expected to go back to work with his diagnosis?

He has choices. He does not have to shout when talking to you. He does not have to trantrum. He does not have to blame. He does not have to be aggressive.

He is choosing to do all this because it suits him.

It's ok for him to make those choices for himself.

It's also ok for you to make choices for yourself.

He doesn't have to like them, just as you don't like his.

It’s also shit for DC to live with a father behaving like this.