Can feel myself slipping , so much responsibility on me , no way out

[Frustrated371]

My family have been through a tough time since covid. My husband who had a very successful career and was in line for huge promotions etc out of nowhere had a mental breakdown.he of course had to stop work and at one point was completely non functioning. During this time I had to do absolutely everything for everyone. Go to work full time, look after the kids/pets, look after husband and deal with all the mental health professionals coming to our home all the time. I had to run the house and garden myself, cooking , cleaning, shopping.
The relentlessness of all this plus the worry and stress about my husband has affected my own mental health drastically. I have lost 50% of my hair, aged about 20 years , and I feel constantly on the edge of a meltdown myself. My son suffers from adhd which has its own difficulties and I believe that I also have it but I am undiagnosed.
This worry and stress has slipped over into my work and affected by ability . Not to mention that I don't want to be there as I have so much going on at home.
My manager has been very accommodating but I can tell this isn't going to be tolerated forever.
I feel so tired and exhausted all the time. I have no motivation or interest in anything. I don't, but if I could I would lie in bed all the time and hide from the world.
If I even dare mention my husband going back to work he goes ballistic to the point where I feel he has no intention of ever going back .(he's been off nearly 3 years) I would like to reduce my hours slightly at work at he has refused to let me because "we need the money" but we are 3k a month down from him not working but that's OK? I've tried to tell him I can feel my mental health slipping but he just minimises it constantly , and tells me to man up. I feel like I'm drowning. I want to go to the gp and get signed off work for abit but I think they would fire me if I did as been there under 2 years and not doing well . Feel so trapped

I would get absolutely hounded by friends and family if I were to leave him/abandon him in his condition
That's because they don't want him to be THEIR problem, they want you to be the one to shoulder the huge burden of him.
In other words they are acting in their own interests, they are doing the same as he is and pushing everything onto you. You are already down and there are kicking you because it's easier to kick someone who is down and can't resist than it is to kick someone who has the strength to fight back.

You have to put yourself first, just like everyone else is

OP tell him you either reduce your hours, split up(now) or you’ll be out of work and broken too. Tell him something is going to change and it’s one of the 3 choices. Continuing as you are will cause the last scenario which is the least preferable. Serve it up as a choice. If he won’t listen write it down and give to him as you go off to work for him to think about. Tell him if he doesn’t listen and talk to you about it you will make the decisions

If his family love him, they will care for him and help him.

You've done what you can. If he won't help himself, you cannot force him.

Actually, what usually happens in these situations is that the man has a the mother of all trantrums, possibly a self induced relapse, then realises no one is going to bail him out so he has to address his issues, he gets better, he gets on with life and everyone finds out that, funnily enough, he can cope on his own.

You're going to leave some point anyway, why waste more years on a dead end relationship. Once you are out you will regret not doing it sooner.

It makes me really mad how it seems he feels like he can dictate what I have to do
He can dictate whatever he feels like dictating to you.
The question is why do you feel as if you have to obey him?

He can only hold you to ransom if you let him. Part of the reason he's getting away with it is that you're so stressed you can barely tell up from down and that stops you from thinking clearly and acting in your own long-term best interest.

I know that you feel crushed an overwhelmed by what is going on, but look at the techniques he's using, it's very unsophisticated, he's like a squid squirting ink at you so that you can't see things clearly.

So sorry you are going through this.

Your husbands mental health challenges are not a get out clause for his other responsibilities to his children, and you as his wife. He is an adult and should think of others, not just himself. But it doesn't sound as though he is that kind of person. Instead he wants you to take all the responsibility even if that makes you unwell. He doesn't sound like a keeper long term tbh. You are not an accessory to make his life easier.

To echo what others have said don't consider what others will say or think if you decide to leave the marriage. None of their business, and if they want to they will step up and support your husband.

Life is so, so short. Do what is best for you. Decide what you want and need and do that. Not only will it be best for you but it will be best for your children. They need a happy and healthy mum.

I'm cabin crew.

"You need to put your own mask on before
Helping anyone else. "

OP you are gasping for air. Grab your own mask and sit down.

Leave him. Do it now. You can stay friends but you need help. Can you go stay with family for a bit ? Or can he?

I can hear your pain through the page. Please keep talking to us on here. We understand and will
Listen and support xxx

Good advice here OP

I agree with this.

His self absorption and lack of appreciation for you is a disgrace.

saw your post about your fear of the reaction of family and friends.

Don’t destroy yourself because you are scared of what other people will think of the decision you want to make.

i did that, didn’t make the decision I knew I should for fear of the reaction of others. I’ll regret if for the rest of my life. Don’t make the mistake I did.

If you’ve already decided to leave him in a few years when the kids are older, why even wait until then?? You’re going to give 4 more years of your life to this situation for absolutely no reason - your marriage is over, you know you’re ending it down the road - so just end it now. Life is very very short.