Sitting in a work yard in the rain contemplating what the point is

[scaredasdmum]

I’m so depressed and anxious and feeling like I just can’t carry on.

Have an autistic DS with high needs, non verbal and global developmental delay. He’s 4. He’s started attacking me daily to the point I’ve been crying alone in my bedroom most days. He’s not vicious and he isn’t doing it because he wants to upset me. He finds it funny. And the more I react the more he will hurt me.

Spent today trying to get help and getting nowhere. Managed to get an appointment with a charity to help us with ‘positive behaviours’.

I love him so much and I’m worried he’s this way because of me. I had PND in the first year. What if I caused this?

I’ve gotten myself in an enormous sum of debt that is unmanageable now. I’m working full time hours with my own business but clients don’t pay no matter how many warnings they get and I’m not sleeping. Partner is stay at home dad and carer. I’m trying to pay for everything whilst feeling like a crap mum for working.

I’ve become obese because of comfort eating. Im
so beyond miserable that I don’t recognise myself anymore.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any options. I’m sat here crying because I haven’t been able to have a moment to myself in so long and I just feel empty and numb.

If I ended it all now my family might actually be better off.

I just cannot do this anymore

You haven’t caused it, autism can be really brutal and there’s so little practical help. Your family need you, but you need some relief to be able to care for them. Sometimes a cry in the car is needed just to let some pressure off - then you can see a bit more clearly.

On a purely practical level are you receiving all the benefits you’re due? I was self employed and claimed UC which evened out the bumps when clients were slow to pay, it then adjusted out when 2/3 all paid at once. Do you get DLA for your son?

I don’t know what kind of work you do but can you ask for payment or part payment in advance - no money no work?

My DD has GDD and autism - she’s older and not violent but it’s hard at times, and yes I have been that person crying in my car, I feel for you.

I’d contemplate getting a permanent job tbh and
chasing up all the non payers through small claims if necessary. It just sounds like your life is really stressful and it’d be easier with a regular/ top up benefits if necessary

I’m so sorry OP. This is really, really hard. You’re not being unreasonable to feel incredibly low, overwhelmed and hopeless - you’re dealing with a huge amount.

Please call Samaritans, or a friend you can blub to, or stay here and talk to us if you can. Crisis can make us feel completely hopeless, but you’re important and needed and loved.

Is your husband able to be a source of understanding and support to you right now?

Can you talk a bit more about the finances in case anyone here has good ideas? Financial stress can seep into absolutely everything else and make life feel impossible.

There are lots of people here with incredible (hard won) advice about ASD who will really empathise with how tough this is.

I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time and feeling this way. But I’m glad you’ve reached out here. 💐

(And life insurance is no substitute for a mother, partner, daughter, sibling or friend. If that’s where your mind is going, please remember that an overwhelmed and over stressed and completely exhausted mind isn’t functioning at its best - it is not telling you that because it is true. It’s not.)

I completely understand, have been through it. Best thing we did was find the right specialist school, keep pushing for this and try to be there in person to form initial bonds for acceptance there. Just my experience, I'm now parent governor there as I appreciate so much the impact the amazing staff have had. Meanwhile, yep it's heartbreaking but hopefully will get better with maturity, again just my own experience, although still not easy, leaps and bounds have been made! X

To add, when feeling like this, talk to someone please or at least have a quiet moment and think 'this too will pass'. As I said, I completely understand, there seems no end to the stress but there really is! Have you lost someone close to you? Your loved ones will feel the same pain and I hope this is a fascination, a thought to escape. Go and see your doctor, there is help out there. Xx

Hi there @scaredasdmum,

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling so low.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources]]. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans website]] or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We have moved this thread over to our Mental Health forum for support but @scaredasdmum you may want to have a look at our SEN boards where you should also find lots of advice from parents who have been there.

You absolutely haven't caused autism in your child and I'm sure it is not the case that your family would be better without you.
You are making the best of difficult circumstances and it's ok to feel down if things arent how you imagine or want them to be.

Hopefully the charity will be able to support you with some small steps that make a positive difference for you.

As far as I can see you sound like an absolute rockstar for managing as much as you have for as long as you have!

Have you tried talking to CAB about your debt? - often the hardest step is figuring out the amount you owe and plan to pay it off (which will be possible but might not seem it now!)

Big hugs to you and treat yourself to a hot cup of something this evening to warm yourself up 💗 xxx

If the debt is business debt speak to Business Debtline, if it's personal debt speak to National Debtline/Stepchange/Christians Against Poverty/CAB/other debt charity.

No words of wisdom but just wanted to say please hang in there. You are important. Sending you best wishes xx

Just checking in OP - have been thinking of you. Hang in there