OCD is taking over my life.

[LibbyL92]

Cut a long story short I was diagnosed and had CBT for OCD 3 years ago. It worked well.

however, I’ve always had obsessive thoughts and paranoia that I was going to lose my job.

fast forward the last few months and definitely more apparent right now I am besides myself with worry that I’m going to be laid off from my job.

I work in a school where it’s a known thing that budgets are really tight. And our school have started making cut backs (not staff related yet)

I’m a big role in the school and often jump into different roles to support. I’m extremely flexible and I know I’m appreciated by SLT.

but I’ve worked myself up into state that I will be laid off. And it’s a ticking time bomb. My whole weekend had been spent thinking over and over again about being laid off. And trying to reason with myself that I’m being silly.

I’ve spent the morning crying, googling and replaying situations and conversations in my head.

I adore my job and I’ve been here for 9 years. The thought of not working there anymore makes me really sad. I often feel like ive got imposter’s syndrome and I’m not worthy.

its completely debilitating and it’s making me ill. I don’t know why I feel like this. (Obviously the OCD)

reached out to doctors back in September who said I would receive a phone call for counselling in December. I’m still waiting for a phone call.

I recently had 2 panic attacks a couple of weeks ago for the first time. And I know this is spiralling.

I don’t know what I’m asking for by posting this. Can anyone relate? Any tips?

and if the worst case scenario happens will I be ok?

i’m unsure if I should speak to my manager or not. They are aware I’ve had mental health in the past and have been supportive.

This sounds awful 😞

I don’t have any experience of OCD, but I wouldn’t wait for the counselling call. From reading your post, it sounds like you need help urgently. Can you get to the GP? I know it’s hard when you work in a school, but either make this a priority for Easter holiday, or would you feel comfortable taking a day/morning off to get into GP?

I know different GP surgeries have different booking procedures, hopefully yours isn’t too bad.

I think OCD often resounds wells to SSRI drugs, and your GP might revisit the counselling referral too or help with next steps. Also, if there’s been an escalation of symptoms recently, maybe worth checking your health in general? Low vit D, peri menopause are just a couple of things that can heighten anxiety behaviours.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.

I had kept refreshing the post to see if anyone came along, so thank you x

I do need to phone my doctors but I feel like they think I’m mad. They’ve not been the most supportive recently (with regards to a chest infection) but I definitely need to do something.

I hate feeling like this. And it’s as though I just can’t be happy. Like I’m not allowed to.
when you say SSRai do you mean Sertraline? I have been prescribed that on various occasions in the past and never went through with taking them.
so I might reconsider and try them.

in always worse a week before my periods, which is now. But otherwise I’m really not sure what’s causing it.

I had bloods recently for another issue and everything was clear. Sadly I think it’s just my brain.

I have other traits of OCD that I don’t manage very well. But this side of it is the one I have lost complete control over.

i honestly can’t bare the thought of living like this for the rest of my life. It’s so deeply upsetting. ( that’s not me saying I want to end my life or anything. But living like this is such a chore)

@LibbyL92

Sounds horrible what you are going through, I also have ocd where I'm more the obsessive thoughts
I found the biggest thing that helped me was to not give attention to the thoughts that were distressing, obviously you can't get rid of them they seem to come automatically, but just don't do the compulsive behaviour, mine was always reassurance, I had to keep asking friends and family if what I thought was true,
It's a form of control on my part, had to learn nothing in life is in my control,
I came out of it by just going on with my life in spite of the bad thoughts,

I'm kind of in a similar situation at the moment but once I apply what I know will help it often just goes in its own time

Sorry if none of this makes sense
Just know your not alone x

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Wanted to comment as I completely resonate and relate to your post, I could have written this myself.

I have severe OCD and have been on medication since I was 17 (now 34). The medication helps but OCD is an ongoing battle.

For me, my OCD relates to my biggest fears - failure and loss. I am terrified of losing my job, replay conversations and scenarios in my head. Always worry the worst will happen and often obsess over making small errors and that leading to a job loss etc.

I have recently had my second baby and another manifestation of my OCD (more recent) is loss. I am terrified of the passage of time and how fast time goes as this brings me closer to death and I am terrified of being separated from my beautiful family. I obsess over our heath and worry something terrible will happen.

My rituals involve revising memory banks in my head, comparing how close/far memories feel, in a bid to reassure myself even events long ago can appear close in time when I 'relieve' them. Sounds so silly writing it out. But takes up a lot of mental horsepower.

I also second guess every decision I make, obsess googling on the internet and ruminating over what ifs and other potential scenarios.

It is worse at the moment as I am on maternity leave and so don't have work to distract me and help keep these feelings at bay.

It is helpful writing it out as I forget how hard things are for me, as they feel normal. But writing them out makes me realise how this is my OCD, which in turn will hopefully help me deal with it.

I hope this provides some reassurance that you are not alone.

Have you ever considered medication? And is there the option of getting a CBT refresh course? I found CBT extremely helpful but it is something I need to constantly work at. It can be very hard to do when you spiral!

This is exactly what I do, constantly seeking reassurance. I’m sure people are sick of me.
but I have to ask as it’s a short relief.

thank you for taking the time to reply. I don’t know/ or haven spoken to anyone else with OCD and people always compare it to just cleaning so no one understands.

I’m sorry you’re going through this as well.

We sound extremely similar!
and I’m sorry your also going through this.

can I ask about the medication? How does it help? Feel?

I think I need to revisit CBT. Been waiting for a phone call since September/october. But I’m getting worse.

it worked well a few years ago, but like you say if you don’t use the tools then you end up back where you are. And this is certainly the case.

Forgot to add - reassurance seeking is also key for me. If I ask someone for reassurance and they don't give me the EXACT response/wording I am hoping for, that can then trigger further thoughts and spiralling too.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds incredibly difficult. Seeing as you now are having panic attacks as well, I think you should call the GP. Explain that things have escalated recently and that you need some support. Do you have anyone you feel you can confide in?

I know its really really hard and I have had ocd all my life, but I'm now in my 40s and it does not take over anymore. It was absolutely debilitating until my mid 30s, I was in a bad way.

My teenager also has it and he has ERP therapy and I practice this too. That is what you need rather than CBT.

I know its hard to do but reassurance, googling etc is a compulsion and reinforces the obsession.

Have you read about NOCD? They do online therapy for ocd. They use ERP therapy.

Solidarity here.

I confront/do exposure work when I've got the energy.

On really bad days I can only distract.

My ds has severe ocd and after many CBT sessions, taking sertraline and hard work on his part things have gradually improved (although he knows his ocd is something he'll have to learn to live with).

I used to reassure him all the time, before we both really understood what was going on. It took up hours every day. That has stopped now. If he asks for reassurance, which he rarely does now, I say it once and walk out the door - I'll even leave the house! It works. My ds says it's hard but has helped. He doesn't ask my dh as he very rarely gave into the reassurances, even at the height of it all. Which was correct.

Your family need to support you with this. The rituals and the reassurance feeds the ocd, as others have pointed out.

I feel for you, I really do, watching my ds struggle has been awful. Therapy and medication (accessed through the gp or privately) will hopefully help. Wishing you well. And remember - thoughts are only thoughts. They are not reality.

Hi, Ive not been diagnosed with ocd but I feel I may have a form of it.
My obsessive thoughts are always about my three kids. It goes from thinking I don't love them enough, or I prefer one over another. Then once I reassure myself that I do love them I'll have thought, "you just don't like being a mum anymore". which sends me into another spiral of anxiety and I frantically try to search for that "feeling" of pride and joy about my kids. Spend hours googling trying to see if anyone has the same thoughts. then doubt that it is ocd .I.m just a bad person. So worried I'll never be able to enjoy time with them. its relentless :( I had a phase like this years ago and have been fine for a good while. Sertraline really helped last time so Im hoping it will again xx

Absolutely this. Never fully satisfied with the response.

even though you know this and you know it’s the OCD your brain is telling you otherwise.

Thank you for this. It’s much appreciated. I will phone my GO and ask them about ERP therapy.

I was told by my therapist (ex therapist from a few years ago) not to Google or seek reassurance but I think I’m so far down a dark hole at the moment it’s the only thing that takes a hint off the edge.

ifs a vicious cycle.

I haven’t read NOCD, is it a book?

Can I just ask how the medication has helped?

I’ve been prescribed sertraline in the past but i was too scared to take it. I’m seriously considering it now.

I’m glad your son is gradually improving. I never realised how it could impact those around you, and how hard it can be x

I can't advise on what will help. But just sympathise. I struggled with OCD since a child. It gets so bad at times and other times i manage.

Ive never really been able to eradicate the thoughts and paranoia. Just keep them at bay..except under times of stress it all spills over 😅

Its exhausting and can be soul destroying where no matter how much you can see its illogical it just replays on a loop non stop and you can't stop the feeling of uncontrollable fear.

Ive had panic attacks due to it in the past..(then panic attacks about getting panic attacks fml 😂)

Your not alone.

I can use therapy techniques and self help books for the symptoms (stop panic attacks, get out, function) but never been able to get rid of the OCD

My son describes it like this. Also had panic attacks and other difficulties.

We were at our wits end, and so was he, so he went on medication prescribed by a psychiatrist. Sertraline has taken the edge off for him, but he's about to go to a higher dose as ocd does require higher doses than depression.

It's important that it is taken alongside all the other strategies eg meditation & distraction. Using a CBT app where you write thoughts and beliefs was also really helpful for him. As was resisting the compulsions and exposure therapy, which he's managed to do on his own (once on the medication)

@LibbyL92 You are not alone and it is good to know I am not alone either so thanks for posting.

Medication wise, I am on fluoxetine 60mg and quetiapine 150mg. Fluoxetine I have been on since I was 17, but quetiapine is more recent over the last couple of years or so, to help with my anxiety and mood fluctuations (I also have other challenges which may have influenced this treatment).

Fluoxetine pretty much saved my life when I was 17 and I honestly think without it I wouldn't be here today as I wasn't coping with my OCD. It has become less effective over the years (or my ocd has got worse!). I have discussed coming off it and transitioning to a new SSRI with my psychiatrist but it felt to be too risky, at least in the first instance (hence quetiapine).

I hope that helps you? It helps me to know I am not alone!!

NOCD is a website, look it up. There are loads of therapists who specialise in treating OCD X

I’ve just had a scan.

and already found this

For some people, concerns about the integrity of their memory can become all-consuming. Since they can’t be 100% sure about the memory, they fill in the blanks with worst-case-scenarios. They obsessively worry about a memory when in fact that memory is untrue, exaggerated, or distorted.

that’s another thing I do. Almost forget what I’ve said and get extremely paranoid I said the worst case scenario.

a prime example is today I’ve signed a sympathy card for a colleague whose dad is terminal. I’m convinced I wrote sorry for your loss in it. (They haven’t passed away yet)
I honestly cannot remember what I’ve written. And ok scared I’ve written sorry for your loss.

im going to take a deeper look at the site. So thank you for sharing that.

You need anti depressants, sorry to be blunt but I think they will help massively. No shame in taking them, I do, I am on Sertraline started on 50mg now on 100mg

How do you feel on them?

Paroxetine is the best SSRI for OCD. Take it. You need it to stabilise you before CBT.

If you work in a school, you will probably have access to mental health support and counselling through the employer assistance programme? Often you can get 6 free sessions - have a look and see what you can get

I feel fine, the first few weeks take a while to kick in and I am sometimes awake for an hour in the night and clench my jaw when I sleep but they can make me feel like everything has changed for the better with how I feel, when actually nothing has changed. You might get given different tablets though that are more suited to anxiety and ocd. Honestly nobody should feel ashamed about taking anti depressants, they can give you a different outlook on life, we are all only here once so don't suffer. I am in my 30s and you would never think to look at me that I take them, always joking around and laughing at work etc do my hair and makeup but if I don't take them I feel unable to stop crying and gain clarity over my marriage split but when I take them I can see more clearly. My sister has citalopram for anxiety and they have helped.