Struggling with shame

[pastapesto]

I am so ashamed of who I am and things I have done. I don't know how to make peace with myself, I just think I am not a good person and that is the truth of who I am and I just feel disgusted with myself. Is it possible to shift this? Right now I just want to crawl out of my own skin

What have you done? I'm sure it's nowhere near as bad as what you think it is.

@pastapesto , the fact that Ur on here and acknowledging that Ur not perfect seems toe that I ARE a good person! We've all done bad things, doesn't make us bad.🤗🤗🤗 Take it from someone who knows
Xx

Whatever happened in the past has been and gone. You can't change it but you can move past it.

A very very wise friend once told me that shame is a useless emotion.
Talk to somebody… pick up phone and call Samaritans.
Speak to yourself the way that you speak to others.
Be kind and compassionate towards yourself.
Learn from mistakes… don’t let them define you.💐

Let men use me for sex. Cheated in relationships. Been the person people cheat with. I remember once reading on here women who let married men sleep with them have the morals of an ally cat. That's me. And in it all I have had no dignity, been needy and desperate and pathetic. I am embarrassed and humiliated and just don't think I deserve good things. I have no integrity.

Are you getting any help at the moment with how you're feeling? Counselling or therapy or some other approach? Perhaps they could help you explore this apparent need to punish yourself and categorise yourself in a black and white way.

Every human being is complex, no one is "good" or "bad", we make thousands of decisions, some better and some that are less ideal. If looking back you feel that some decisions weren't the best then think about how to make better decisions in the future. Make practical amends if it's possible and it would help anyone that was affected negatively by any bad decision making.

And I bet you had little or no affection growing up? Shame is useful when it stops us from doing the things we did when we didn't know better, it's not when the things we did were because of the way we were treated as children.

@pastapesto , Ur not the first and I won't be the last missus. Don't be so hard on urself! What about the men who were married? The men who used U? It takes two to tango remember. I seem to me like u lack self esteem, be kinder to urself.🤗🤗🤗

None of those things are unforgivable or terrible. They are all utterly human and exceedingly common.

Men who cheat on their partners are responsible for that decision. Don't take on other people's judgements about your actions.

You deserve good things. Humans make mistakes. Just learn from them and change your future behaviour, that's all you can do. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to?

I am on a waiting list for support at the moment.

Childhood not great. Chaotic. Violence and addiction in the house. I don't think I have ever felt safe or really cared for. But I also think the way a person behaves matters and I have been so selfish in this stupid desperate need to just feel like someone loved me, except of course they didn't. My father kept a lot of porn in the house - some women are just for sex - I think I've internalised that. I don't even really like it half the time.

@pastapesto I down something awful a few years ago. I was so consumed by shame I almost ended my life a few times and honestly was at a point t where I felt my dc would be better off without me than dealing with shame if what I had done.

But I've learnt to live with it. I did it it was done and couldn't be undone no matter how much I wished it could. I am still ashamed of it but I've learnt to live with what I can't change and be a better person moving forward. All you can do is learn from it and remember how bad it made you feel if you're tempted again. People are only human we make mistakes and it's how we learn from then that makes us better people . Forgive yourself, remember the lessons learnt and move on .

Yes thank you, future behaviour. I feel like I want to undo it somehow, reset everything. But of course I can't. And I feel guilty and stupid.

@pastapesto seems like the men in Ur life are the ones who should be feeling bad, not U missus.

Thank you. I've dug myself into a hole with it all tonight. I have a beautiful daughter. I think about what she would think if she knew and yes, I have thought she deserves better. But also she gives me a kind of hope, I try to be the parent for her that I wish I had had.

You're not stupid. You're dealing with a whole load of difficult stuff from your childhood that anyone would find hard to work through and manage. Try and be kind to yourself and fight the inner voice that tells you negative things.

I took so many risks as well. With my safety, with my health. Just stupid stuff. Makes me feel sick.

@pastapesto , U don't need to reset anything. U seem so lovely and U are not a bad person. Please believe that. 🤗🤗🤗

@pastapesto it's done it can't be undone no matter what. But remember people are only human every single person makes mistakes and does daft things regardless of how sanctimonious they are .

People who care about you won't care you done something daft unwise or stupid. And people who do aren't your friends . You did something daft so what . Everyone does it . Just learn from it and move on. It's not worth hating yourself for x

Don’t feel shame. Your abusive childhood has led to bad decisions but the shame is on your abusive parents.

Please get some therapy and support to help process your painful past.

@pastapesto I can guarantee that if any one of us told U the things that we ve done, I'd think U were a saint. Lol, everyone has done things they're not proud of, it's horrible and human
Xx

Thank you, you are all being very kind. I am on my own and it just felt overwhelming. This is helping me climb down from the rafters a bit.

Mumsnet is extremely judgemental on extra marital affairs- strange really because it's not an overly traditional site in other ways but goes completely ott in response to affairs

How old are you ?

@pastapesto we are not being kind we are being truthful. Shame is the worst emotion imo. But it's pointless you can't change it and everyone has done something to feel it.

Draw a line under it and move forwards. The fact you even feel it shows you're a good person