Struggling with shame

[pastapesto]

I am so ashamed of who I am and things I have done. I don't know how to make peace with myself, I just think I am not a good person and that is the truth of who I am and I just feel disgusted with myself. Is it possible to shift this? Right now I just want to crawl out of my own skin

Childhood not great. Chaotic. Violence and addiction in the house. I don't think I have ever felt safe or really cared for. But I also think the way a person behaves matters and I have been so selfish in this stupid desperate need to just feel like someone loved me, except of course they didn't. My father kept a lot of porn in the house - some women are just for sex - I think I've internalised that. I don't even really like it half the time.

Lovie - please know that your behaviour is a direct result of your terrible upbringing. Every child needs care and love, that's how we survive. When we don't get it from the people close to us - which is NOT your fault - we instinctively look for it elsewhere. Plus you were exposed to sexual images at a young age so your mind equated sex with attention/love so sought it out.

As others have said you need therapy to untangle all this stuff. Do have a look at these videos which could have been made just for you;

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Bless you. This is so common with what you have explained of your past. Mine was similar. I got the main of my help through 12 step program.

You're looking for something to fix you're outside instead of within and using sex as a control for those moments of control over men because of your dad behaviour.

I know cos I've done it. You mention addiction in your childhood, too.

Al-Anon is a support network for those who have or had someone with addiction in their life. It affects your mental health greatly.

Whilst it is good, your down for therapy Al-Anon is available ongoing 24/7. It's the sister fellowship of A A that supports people affected by others' behaviour, which you will have been.

There are plenty of other 12 step supports as well as the two above. Though not as well known, you can look up online.

There is S.A (Sex and love addiction) ACAADF (Adult Children Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families) and CoDa (Codepency for those without an obvious addiction but emotionally damaged) are just a few you may want to Google.

This link below is for Al-Anon. You deserve and need the support. You're no longer alone with this.

al-anonuk.org.uk/

I have often wondered what the impact of seeing porn at such a young age had. Not that it was deliberately shown to me or anything, it was just a careless house. I remember seeing it and being fascinated and freaked out at the same time. Never had good boundaries when it came to sex. Tend to just let people do what they want and zone out. I think I need to talk to someone. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long.

You're looking for something to fix you're outside instead of within

This. Absolutely this, it's like if I can get the right kind of love then the bit inside that feels wrong will be better.

Never thought about 12 step before. I am going to look into that.

you are not a bad person.xx

I'm glad to hear it, and it's available straightaway. Live meetings face to face are best. However, Zoom meetings are good if nothing is available near you. Good luck - you can find the peace and freedom that has so alluded you.

You deserve it, and you are worth it. 12 steps, which I still attend after many years (fellowship and identity), have led me to do other specialised therapy work, too.

I am happily remarried, 4 adult youngsters, and nana to 5. I have learnt to accept me, know me, and forgive me. Most of all, be comfortable in my own skin, know I'm no longer alone (I became We), and to be of use to others like me who suffer too

Good luck! The future can and will be better for you ✨️

Been there done it got the tee shirt. Abused outside the house from the age of seven and in the house from the minute I was born. I didn't know what a real reality was. I believed that being thrown off walls, battered, mentally and emotionally abused was normal. Strangely the sexual abuse outside the home was less damaging than what went on inside. Home should be a safe space.
My parents seemed respectable. My father, the life and soul of the party, was on every committee he could get on. For all the abuse by my mother I realised that in a way she too was a victim of that man. Like you I did a lot of things and took a lot of things that were wrong and even now I'm truly ashamed but a girl has to survive remember that, you had to survive.
You can't change the past but you can certainly change the future. I married an idiot to escape my father and had a couple of children. It was for their sake I knew I had to get better. I packed my bags took my children and my dog and left. Things were tough financially but I took all the negativity and the derogatory comments that were thrown at me and used them to my advantage. This stupid female who would never manage to survive for two minutes on her own managed to get a part time job, go to college and then to a good university and get an honours degree and start my own business. It shut two nasty men up when my graduation photo appeared in the local papers. My final act was changing my name. Somehow they thought that was an insult. I didn't want the name of either of those men tethering me to the past. I had no good memories of or respect for either of them. New name, new start, new life and new beginning. You can do it. I could have worked for a company and made more money but I get by, and working for myself makes me happy. My kids are doing great. My son has his own business and my daughter is a councellor working with women from difficult backgrounds.
You need to go to your GP and get help. If you're struggling with money go to the CAB, CAP or your councils money matters service. If you're struggling mentally and afraid there is the samaritans.
Where I live there is help for people struggling with their mental health. They have exercise classes, yoga, art therapy etc. It gave me a chance to meet new people who had complicated lives.
Aim for something you want to do, and look after your daughter love her, give her a happy childhood and keep her safe. Nobody did it for you but you are more than capable of doing it for your daughter. You had the courage to post on this page and there are many people who sympathise with you. Prayers and positive thoughts for the future you and your daughter deserve.

That's a really inspiring story, wow. Thank you .

I slept and feel less like I want to peel my own skin off. More just heavy and tired. I wasted so much time and energy on these men. At the time I just thought a bit of attention and love is better than nothing, it was all very compulsive. It sounds daft but I feel humiliated when I think about what they must think of me. And then I think about what people in my life would think if they really knew who and what I was.

Anyway, I can't undo it. I have to find some way forward. What else is there.

You'll find your niche in life. Women are strong and dont worry about being alone. It's not the worst thing in the world. I stopped being frightened every time I heard his key in the lock. I could go to the toilet without locking the door.
When it was just me and the kids I had time to heal and think about what I wanted to do with my life. I feel as well it taught my kids a lesson. My son learned to respect women and my daughter will not put up with bullying and other crap from men. Look and see what's help is available in your area. Getting out of the house and meeting other people is a great thing.
Fifteen years down the line I've met a lovely man and I'm happy and I'm sure one day you will be too.
Look after yourself and your daughter.

You've not done anything illegal.

Married men are responsible for their own actions. You are not the one at fault.

It sounds like some of the sex you've had may have been abusive, non consensual.

Maybe talking to a survivors of would help.

Been where you are op we all have regrets. Great advice and support on here so ditto. Best wishes!

If everyone was truly honest I bet a lot of us have made mistakes and felt similar shame it's what makes us human. Our childhoods have such a profound effect on us, I was brainwashed by my mum into thinking she was the best mother in the world who made the biggest sacrifices for me and my sister. It wasn't until I became a mother I realised how toxic she is. Funnily enough my doubts over her started when I did make a big fuck up. She expects me and my sister to be perfect at all times and she was cold to me I never truly felt the same way about her again. She would care more about what other people think then the mental health of her daughters.

This is so achingly difficult and familiar to read, I don't have any answers, (and actually I was shown porn on purpose but I don't think the intention matters much here as the impact is perhaps similar). I am just sending solidarity and warm wishes to you.

Nothing you have described as your later behaviour is your fault, the impact of the porn and other issues will have been significant and of course your boundaries were impacted and of course you conflated sex and love and attention.

You're so brave and be going back and analysing this all now, I think perhaps you need proper trauma therapy and some expert help to unpick all your experiences. With that will eventually come self compassion and forgiveness.

This is NOT your fault and not your shame, you can let the shame go and you can heal from this. Take it steady, you'll get there x

You know what I see when I read your posts, OP?
A woman who is thoughtful and kind
A woman who wants the best for her daughter and tries hard for that
A woman who was let down as a child and that had an emotional impact on her
A woman who is good and wants to take positive steps in life
A woman who is gathering strength and taking back the power and control
A woman who is too hard on herself for her past
Please try to be kinder to yourself OP

I can't thank you all enough, I was in a terrible place on Saturday. I think this thread has helped me to take a step back, get a bit of distance from it. It can see how I keep trying to heal the wound with the same weapon that made it, it's not logical! But so often it felt like I had to do these things. I really want to get some help with this so I can feel more at peace with myself.

Well done for stepping back and putting some space around the feelings, for seeing that you don't need to double down with more shame and for realising you deserve to find peace with it.

These are all things you can be proud of this week - and feeling proud of yourself is such a good antidote to shame.

Maybe try and find one thing every few days that you're proud of, something big or small. This might help soothe the shame and help get you in a place where you can do some deeper work to let it go.

You haven't done anything wrong, you're just right as you are, all of you, I think you can find a way through this - wishing you well on your journey xx

The fact that you regret it shows you DO have morals. You can't be immoral and feel shame, they're mutually exclusive. Everyone makes mistakes. You tried to get your needs met just like everyone else and didn't go the right way about it. That's nothing to be ashamed of.

Show me someone who has never done wrong and I'll show you a liar.

Thank you. I really appreciate all the support