Is it time to give up?

[pastapesto]

For as long as I can remember I have not felt right in myself. I get very low, it is hard to do anything when I am in that space. I struggle with some suicidal ideation during these periods as I just can not see a way to make the feeling stop and life feels pointless. I hate that feeling so much that I will often do quite intense things to get out of it. When I was younger it was things like cutting, and eating disorders, as I got older it was over-exercising, and inappropriate relationships. More recently it tends to be overworking or signing up for courses that I often do not have time to do or buying books that I do not have time to read. These intense periods are not sustainable and eventually, I crash again so I am stuck in this low/high cycle.
I have tried so many things to feel better. Therapy, CBT, counseling, psychologists, meditation, yoga, hypnotherapy - nothing works. I am on anti-depressants already.

I am wondering if it is time to just give into it and accept that this is my life. Or is there something else to try? I am exhausted.

Do you have a diagnosis of anything? It sounds like you have something other than depression going on.

I'm so relieved you don't mean give up as in leave this world.

Have you had any professional help? It sounds like coping strategies and cooling off periods for signing up to things might be useful. My best friend said to me that suicidal feelings are just moments in time and to try and distract myself. It's hard and I am sorry I don't have the right words for you. You're not alone.

This probably isn't realistic for you right now, but have you read about psychedelics? This is the next frontier in mental health, and depending on your age it is very possible that it will become an available treatment during your lifetime. There is really good evidence for it.

No diagnosis no, I just got put on medication. I did not say all of what I have said here though.

I have had a lot of therapy but it never ends very well. I tend to push therapists until they say or do something they shouldn't. Then I don't trust them or they get rid of me. I don't know I am doing it at the time but afterwards I just feel terrible, like I can't be fixed.

Psychedelics - is that like in the jungle shamanism type thing? Sounds like the kind of intense thing I would do!

Psychedelics - is that like in the jungle shamanism type thing? Sounds like the kind of intense thing I would do!

Some people do that, but no! Imperial in London is a large academic centre for psychedelic research.

Legal in Australia now: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-66072427.amp

If any therapist says or does something they shouldn't, that is totally on them. They're the trained professionals who need to take responsibility, not you.

It sounds like it is very early days for you on the medication, so hang in there as that can make all the difference when it starts to work. And if it doesn't work don't be afraid to change the medication or vary your dose.

I have experienced similar mental health issues to you over the years and have also tried so many therapeutic interventions which never solved the problem. Finally I paid (an awful lot!) for a form of Neuro Linguistic Programming and I would say it provoked real change. Living with myself has been much less painful since I did it.

All the best 🌺

Thanks, I’ve been on the medication for over a year though. It did make a difference, I spent half my life crying before. But the bleak feeling is still there almost days. Sometimes it’s like I’m at the end of a long corridor or something and life is at the other end but I can’t get to it.

Keep trying to find the right therapy and therapist. I've had several different types and I have learnt one has to be ready, willing to put the work in, get the right kind of therapy and be able to gel with and trust the therapist. I had one tell me I was annoying her !

I think in some ways yes, maybe you should accept this is the way you are and this is life. You will have very low periods, interspersed with happy times and moments.

Life is a journey, not a destination

Gosh @pastapesto , it’s like reading my life story! I’m in my 40s now, I’ve had years of therapy, years of antidepressants but I still don’t feel ‘right’. I have the very big lows like you, I often feel suicidal, but they pass and I have some okay times in between. Long history of eating disorders and self injury.

i can’t say I’ve found a magic cure, I’m sorry, but just to say you’re not alone in the way you feel. For me, I wonder whether my beliefs I gained as a child (like I’m not good enough etc) have been ingrained so long, I’m stuck feeling this way.

take care OP.

Annoying?! Wow. That’s bad. A lot of therapists shouldn’t be therapists 🫤

I Wouldn’t describe those periods as happy exactly. They are intense. Like going out and drinking or something, although I don’t drink but it’s that kind of energy.

star - I am sorry although also a little comforted that you get it. I think you are right, it’s childhood stuff. My childhood was chaotic with addiction and violence, negligence and a lot of being shamed. One of my bothers ended up a drug addict, the other drinks. I’ve managed to stay away from that stuff. The one thing I’m considering trying is internal family system s therapy. I’m on a waiting list. But also the thought of going through another process only to get to the end and feel the same scares me.

If you have the time, take a look at this video.
Dr. Georgia Ede - 'Our Descent into Madness: Modern Diets and the Global Mental Health Crisis'

Some resonates with me too which is worrying me tbh.

I recently been diagnosed with FND and CPTSD so maybe that's explains it all.

Look into microdosing.
There’s a thread somewhere on MN that goes into more detail.

I was lucky in that meditation made a huge difference with my mental health, but somewhere along the line I started micro dosing magic mushrooms - they worked in a way that I wanted antidepressants to work, so are very much worth a try.

I’ll see if I can find the thread.

Could Psilocybin cure mental health issues?

I’m about to start some TMS therapy. I hear great things about it from friends that had it done. It’s something along the lines of adjusting your brain waves with electromagnetism. I’m hoping to switch off my hyper alert state brought on by childhood trauma. Talk therapy doesn’t work for everyone

This.

I can relate to some of this. I was diagnosed with depression, took anti depressants, went to counselling cbt etc. nothing worked. Constant cycles, intense at times.

have been given a working diagnosis of bipolar, early days but the meds are working much better. Anti depressants can make bipolar worse.

could it be possible you have something else? not necessarily bipolar, but might be worth looking at other conditions to rules things out and get to the bottom of it.

Microdosing sounds fascinating. Is it not illegal?!

TMS - not heard of that one. There is a clinic near me. Be interested to know how that goes, it’s not cheap!

I do think my diet is decent. I don’t eat junk food, maybe need to look at some supplements though.

Before you start looking for an effective treatment you need to know what's wrong.

No diagnosis no, I just got put on medication. I did not say all of what I have said here though.

That's simply not fair on you or the medical professionals trying to help you. In order to help you, they need to know the full picture - otherwise it's like going to A&E and not telling them where you hurt.

Yes good point. I have a dr appointment this week. I was going to ask his advice about what, if anything, I should try next. I always worry about admitting suicide ideation, I feel ashamed. I know they need to know though.

No need to feel ashamed of your thoughts. If you're worried that you won't get the words out it's a good idea to have everything written down, just as a back up. (Your initial post is very clear and concise.)

Please don't be ashamed of anything. Things have happened in your life. One therapist (EMDR) told me I was having perfectly normal reactions and responses to abnormal life events. It really helped. Once I admitted to suicide attempts it actually got easier though I'm not 100% not embarrassed though. I know have BWRT therapy and she has saved my life, truly.

So I just got off the phone with my Dr - had a phone appointment booked as I couldn't get an in-person one, they are like gold dust. He said it's chronic and rather than trying to be better I should accept it and learn to deal with it best I can. He's referring me to mental health services but basically it is what it is, don't feel bad that you can't fix it, you have to live with it. Not sure how I feel, it is an answer I suppose, practical. Maybe it will be less stressful if I stop trying to get better.

I think you might benefit from revising your goals in life. So instead if trying to cure yourself and get to some imagined state where you don’t have mental health difficulties ever again, you look for things/try to notice things you enjoy doing and try to do them more often. You know you get super intense obsessions about stuff and it all gets a bit much so you might need quite a few things that you can sort of cycle through or they might need to be quite banal things that you just happen to get some pleasure from.
Having a takeaway coffee/thermos of coffee in the park/at the beach/on a hill walk?
Coffee in a cafe and people watching?
Sauna? Warm bath? Heated swimming pool?
Cup of tea in front of a good Netflix show or film? Or maybe sitting in a cinema for a couple if hours in the dark?
Driving? Taking the train or the bus?
Making things? Knitting/sewing/painting/wood work?
I’d usually put exercise on a list like this (endorphins etc) but seeing your history, I think you’d need a primary goal of the activity that wasn’t exercise related. Seeing the wildlife in the park? Gardening? Seeing the seasons change in a big garden like at a National trust property? Watching the sunset at the nearest beach? A dance class?
Dancing at a music festival/at concerts?

That’s great they’ve referred you, I would wait until you’ve seen someone from mental health. They are in a better position to deal with this kind of thing and advise, after all doctors are mostly general practitioners so don’t always have the in depth knowledge on the subject. Good luck