I'm autistic and I can not work

[lilacsunbeam]

I'm 30, diagnosed as autistic when I was 11 and my whole life I have struggled to go to school/ work. I job hop and seem to be fine for the first month of the job and then it all goes wrong and I find the thought of going into work hideous.

I am a mum to one who is 3 and I parent her fine, I do become overwhelmed sometimes but for the most part I find it okay.

I was a stay at home mum until 2 months ago when I started a new job and thought I was loving it but now the cracks are starting to show and I feel like running away again.

My husband earns enough for me not to work and puts no pressure on to me work but I really wanted to earn my own money and feel like I have something else to my name other than just "mum" I'm really annoyed with myself and I don't know what to do.

Are there any people out there diagnosed with autism or strongly believe they have autism who struggle to work? What do you do instead to keep you busy and for filled?

Not working at all and leaving yourself without a pension leaves you extremely vulnerable though. You might be able to survive day in day out now, but what about planning for your future?

It sounds like the OP has to ask her DH for money which isn’t ideal. What would happen if they split up or something happened to him-OP wouldn’t just get his whole pension.

As for identity, it's not always from work. Some careers are a vocation and really take over your identity like a teacher, nurse, chef.. but other jobs like some obscure office role that not many people would know what it means would leave you with having to find an identity. Some people introduce themselves as 'dog mum' or 'musician' or 'writer' or 'artist' or 'video gamer'. Your identity is what you choose for yourself. Others will label you regardless, what matters is how you talk about yourself.

Uh oh. I just saw that you have to ask. I just assumed you had a joint account.
The benefit of volunteering is that you can try out different environments and rolew at much less pressure plus you can put them down as reference.

I think it's not good for your mental health to be jumping from job to job.
As you're able to parent your child without any issue (being overwhelmed on occasion is completely 'normal'), which is the toughest job in the World, you should in theory be able to work for longer than a month.
You say your husband is OK with this. Without wanting to cause additional stress, he won't be in the long term. I say this from experience of supporting DH with depression. That sort of thing takes its toll on a relationship.

Have a think about what you'd really like to do, and how many hours you're realistically able to work, considering the issues your autism presents, and balancing work with family commitments. You're in the fortunate position of not having to work, but don't make the mistake of thinking that you shouldn't, that could cause further detriment to your wellbeing in the long term.

I have worked for longer than a month at a time, around a month if when my difficulties start to show, I have worked for 2-3 years in the same job before (regular sick leave) but I have done it, it just causes my mental health to be detrimental.

I think parenting is different to working in an environment with loads of different adults expecting different things from you. My daughter knows me for who I am and I have no difficulties communicating with her as she is my baby, we have built our relationship from when she was newborn.

I should add that I have inheritance of well over 1 million, I won't see this until I'm probably around 50 but I do have that as back up. My family are incredibly wealthy so I would never go without. I know things can change and ideally I would love to be self sufficient but this gives me some peace of mind

Do you get PIP? That's an income.
Also my DD15 is ASD (with Tourette's too, significant anxiety and sensory issues) we're preparing her for being self employed, free lancing is a good option I believe. We're also considering buying a property with out houses too and convert into a cattery and also have space to build a home for her to live in. It's all pie in the sky at the moment, but we're making plans

Your job is really full on and I'm
Not surprised it's hard to be honest, can you do anything that
Maybe can lend itself to being self employed? Selling art work? Cat/pet feeder etc

I understand you , OP, I currently am a sahm and wonder how I will ever return to the workplace. I am undiagnosed but believe myself to be nd. My workplace issues are rejection sensitive dysphoria and problems with authority and hierarchy.

Then there are issues with jobs that have nothing to do with being nd like flexibility for the kids , crappie management , other colleagues etc.

Would a temporary, seasonal job be an option? Then you are only employed for a set time?

I think this wins the prize for the most perspective changing drip-feed in the history of MN, op.

ND. I totally get where you’re coming from. Before ds I had the same job for 10 years. These days I can’t seem to follow through on one. I do the whole pushing through things in everything I do, especially work, but it’s just not that simple. I decided to go self employed which really helped as it eliminates people for the most part. First business was a success but had to give it up during covid. I went on to start another but couldn’t seem to get it off the ground. I started a p/t job which is more fun than work tbh and I’m already starting to dislike it and find it difficult. I also got into matched betting for a while which was great and I enjoyed it, but I lost interest and I found it too demanding mentally. I don’t want to not work but it’s catch 22 with no where to turn. Still looking for my dream something I can handle job/business idea.

I’m autistic too and I totally get that you want to work to give you a sense of identity. If nothing else it’s a topic of conversation when you have to talk to people! I think you’re going for the wrong jobs though. Nurseries and the NHS are incredible stressful, person focussed, admin heavy environments.

Given that you don’t need to work, you could use your time to retrain as something you’d really like to do. Also, when people ask, you can say you’re a student.

You say you love animals, so you maybe something like horse care(there are often vacancies at stables near me and I’d love to do it but couldn’t afford to), dog walking/ grooming, working in a farm/ zoo, I can’t think of anything else as my brain hasn’t woken up yet…

In your situation, you’re really lucky that you have the resources to do something you’d really love, you just need to find out what that is!

Do you mean your parents’ house is worth over a million and you’re hoping you’ll be left that and it won’t be eaten up in care home bills or that you’re due to inherit £1m regardless on your 50th birthday?

Ok only just saw this. This takes away the pressure somewhat. For me i have to put food on the table. Maybe spend your time thinking of ways to invest this, done in the right way will provide you with a nice set up and last you a lifetime.

I have a short work history too before having a family and have to return to a job at some point. Been a SAHM for several years now. DH older than myself so it does ring true that one day I need to be earning my own salary to be self sufficient. You have my sympathies.

What about studying part time?

What about temping? I found that I could focus very well on my work and not feel the need to create or sustain relationships. I did office temping, so my role could vary hugely from job to job: admin, PA, reception, data entry.

I was often asked back or offered longer roles! But I found I worked better if I never stayed more than a few weeks, and I generally would not return to the same place without a gap of a couple of months.

Why do you need to ask your husband for money? This is so degrading.

If you have over 1 million inheritance waiiting for you why not access this now instead of when you are 50?

It must be a very sad existence knowing you have to ask your husband for money and can only access your inheritance when you are 50. I couldn’t live like this and I am ND. I went self employed after I had my children. However, my husband and I have always had joint bank accounts which we both access as and when. We are both from poverty backgrounds so maybe we just see the world differently. Neither of us will need an inheritance for a comfortable retirement as we have made provisions for this ourselves.

I don’t understand how you can say you worked for 12 years but suddenly after getting married and having a child you now can’t. The poster saying that you should claim PIP for the issues you describe is making a mockery out of this benefit too.

That's ableist bullshit.

I am autistic and I have to control my environment in order not to have meltdowns. When my children were little, they knew that they could make a mess with their toys but that they would have to tidy it up before we had dinner. I helped them with the tidying by providing toy boxes. After dinner, no more mess was allowed before bed.

No mess at all was allowed in their rooms. And no jumping on the beds when I'd made them - that drove me insane.

You do not understand autism if you can make comments like that.

I had been wondering why the op didn’t have a joint account with her dh. After the update, I’m sure MN advice would be to keep it that way!

I'm autistic and have ADHD and the level of masking and sheer mental effect required to maintain a job broke me. I haven't worked for a few years now and have no interest in doing so.

Money wise we don't have a lot but I don't care a shit about money, I have been through a mental ringer and won't ever put myself back there willingly.

People mention reasonable adjustment, noise etc but it's so much deeper than that. But because I'm autistic I'm not able to articulate how and what is so bad about it.

I would start off by thinking about what kind of work you enjoy and have an aptitude for. What would a job ad written just for you look like? Number of hours, location, pay if relevant, amount of contact with people, amount of time on screens and so on. And then try to overlay that ideal to jobs in the real world. It’s what I did when I left my career (most of the way through an AuDHD diagnosis) and it was very helpful.

It is not controlling at all.

It is ensuring I can live in emotional comfort myself.

And yes, your comment was ableist and so is your response to me calling you out on it.

I worked on and off for 12 years before I had DD as I thought that was the right thing to do but I struggled tremendously and didn't work 12 years straight in the same job, it was about 7 different jobs and most of the time I was signed off sick. I couldn't even attend school full time and had to be on a reduced timetable. I was under CHAMS and all sorts of private help from around 5 years of age.

My inheritance will be left to me through properties eventually, there's probably more than 1 million but obviously things could go wrong etc so I can't 100% guarantee on this but it is more than likely to happen.

The volunteering and training in something else is a good idea, thank you everyone for your help! You're all so kind and helpful. I will talk to DH tonight 😊

I do OP. I really struggle to maintain a job. Its not due to the work, its due to social dynamics. Initially its great, bit of small talk, but over time the cracks grow and my inability to maintain relationships in the workplace i end up pushed out and having to leave.

I am currently retraining in the hopes i can find a job with minimal interaction. (I am good with customers as thats a 5 min interaction, its the long term colleagues and boss)

I also didnt have the diagnosis back then, so i am hoping with it, colleagues will understand why they struggle to connect with me so wont get either nasty or frustrated so somewhat accept my presence 😂😂

I would have burnout and work would suffer purely because i knew they didnt like me and it made me feel my work had to be perfect as compensation, if i made a little mistake, even if i corrected it they would use it as an excuse to express their disdain for me :(

Unfortunately its led me with an absolute fear of workplace environments. But hoping with more versatile qualifications, more understanding of my issues at work that i can overcome this and adapt also find a good diverse company.