To feel completely helpless as a single mum -mental health

[Itsathrowaway]

What the title says basically. I’ve been a single mum for two years, I have 2 under 7 from the same dad but unfortunately the relationship was domestically violent. That issue is sorted, we are safe and he is no longer around but it’s the after affects I suppose. Every day I just feel useless, everything I wanted was ripped away from me and I’m stuck feeling resentful looking after children alone. I love my children but to be honest, and I’m ashamed saying this, if I could turn back time I wouldn’t have had them.
Every day is a struggle and I look forwards to having that few hours while they’re at school because the rest of the time they’re either destroying my house, my belongings or clinging onto me. They make more mess than I can clean and whilst I do keep my house clean and tidy if I’m having a particularly bad day they can have my house looking like animals run it within the hour. Think toilet paper made into mache and stuck to walls, shredded paper all over the floor, bathroom flooded from bathing their toys, every single item of clothing taken from their draws and thrown etc. They will drag out every toy until their room is too messy to play in and then move onto wrecking mine too.
I don’t get sleep at night time as they have their own lovely room but insist on being in my bed. My youngest has to be touching me at all times and pushes themself up against my back all night no matter how many times I move them. I wake up 6+ times every night as I’m hot, aching and have a headache as they sleep with their head crushed into mine.

ill probably never have another relationship due to the nature of the last and the fact that my children won’t leave me alone, I can’t even sleep alone.

ive “seen” one or two men but they just seem to want to use me or “ghost” me so I don’t bother and there’s no point anyway

I just feel like an absolute failure, my siblings are high earners in long term lovely relationships who prioritised property and career and I’m a single mum in a council flat. I work part time but I don’t have a degree and will never progress above minimum wage roles. I’m happy and proud of them, but I suppose I’m the odd one out?
this is just me forever

I know I’m depressed but is there any point in getting help when the problem is under my feet?

I’ve considered suicide and I know my children would be looked after but I also know it’s selfish and they’ve endured enough already

Couldn’t really type anything as my youngest was grabbing at my face. I’m sure I have sensory issues and my skin is just constantly crawling, I can’t stand being touched so it it is really triggering having someone laying on top of you while you’re asleep or grabbing at your face and arms constantly.

I think I just feel extremely lonely too. None of my friends have children yet as they’re all buying houses and enjoying their 20s (I’m late 20s)
i don’t really speak to any of the school mums and no one speaks to me.

I think it just gets very draining when i don’t even get a second to myself ever and I can’t have 10 minutes without being grabbed at and touched

It’s hard being a single parent, the day to day responsibility and drudgery of it all. Making every single decision - all the time.

give yourself a break, you are not super woman.

however, try your doctors they might be able to help with some anti depressants, or therapy.

and speak to your children’s school, they might have a well being department that can help support you and your children’s behaviour.

you need sleep, proper sleep, if the children won’t leave you alone and you cannot face getting them in their own beds, get them out your bed, on a pull out in yours so they can’t touch you, until you can tackle them staying in yours.

This is not you forever...this is just the current situation. Your children are very young but they will grow up and go to school and become a lot more independent.

Lots of mums feel like you when their dc are little.

I think your number one priority should be to get them to sleep in their own room. I reckon if you can sleep in you own bed by yourself without being woken up multiple times you will feel a whole lot better.

So sorry you're struggling right now but honestly this is not you forever. I was in your position once, years ago now. Kids grow up, life changes. I went to university and got a degree and eventually got an ok job. After 10 years I met someone else and had another child. My eldest 2 are adults now and we are all very close. The years we spent just the 3 of us had numerous challenges but ultimately led to a great relationship.

I also contemplated suicide, but I look back now and it was like a different life. Hang in there, things will get better. It does sound like some of your children's behavior is coming from the upset of what you've all been through but hard as it is you do need to put expectations of acceptable behavior in place. I found reward charts good, to praise the positive and ignore some of the bad behavior ( obviously nothing really extreme).

I was fortunate that I only had 1 that insisted on sleeping with me, but again I knew he'd grow out of it so I put up with it. Definitely more tricky with 2 I know. Perhaps try and tackle the behavior first and make your days a bit smoother.

Hang in there, things will improve.

I've read your posts OP. I can only the see the positives in what you are doing. The fact that you are trying so hard as a mum. You've been through hell and you keep going.

The mess you describe, sounds a lot like my house before I started the anti depressants. I had no energy to do anything other than the bare minimum. I felt like I couldn't parent properly because I felt so down. I had suicidal thoughts and went to gp. There's no shame in saying, I need some tablets to help me. The anti depressants have helped me lots.

Try not to compare yourself to siblings, it will only make you feel worse. You have a roof over your head, thanks to you, nobody else.

Your kids sound like they absolutely love you. They want to be with you. That's actually a huge compliment even though it feels claustrophobic much of the time.

I'm glad you have posted on here. I hope you get some support in real life too. Samaritans were helpful when I rang them when I felt lonely.

Oh OP you are not useless! You have got your children out of an abusive, violent home and that alone is more than many Mothers do.
You are strong and can survive this. Sure it feels hard at the moment but it really will get easier in time, your children are still so young and need to settle into their new lives themselves.
Firstly please speak to your GP and explain how you feel, also your health visitor if you have one or clinic, even the school can help. Don’t feel ashamed of asking for help it’s a brave thing to do and can help enormously.
Years ago I seriously considered suicide under similar circumstances of not coping on my own, but looking now at my grown up happy children and wonderful grandchildren it seems a world away and I’m so, so grateful I stuck it out.
If you ever are really desperate please phone the Samaritans, they helped me many times and also see if there are any groups you can go to with the children to meet other Mums.
If all else fails for now keep posting on here for support 💐💐💐

My mum was a very young single mum. I look back now and don’t know how she did it. We grew up in a council flat, she faced so much stigma (80s). My dad did nothing. We had next to nothing. I know there were times when she just wanted to give up.
This will pass. I know it seems impossible but this time will pass.
Your kids will be adults for longer than they’re children.
When my mum turned 60 I took her to New York. We both had a moment on the plane where we couldn’t believe that this was our life now. They will be adults for longer than their children and they will appreciate you. Please hang in there. X

Thank you for all of your kind words. I so appreciate it. Just got through the last of todays tears I think, kids are playing in the living room with their Christmas presents, no routine thanks to Christmas, so I’m going to take advantage and have a nice hot shower.

It's tough being a single parent at the best of times and must be much more so when you have been through an abusive relationship.

It sounds like you're maybe struggling to put in place boundaries for your children. That is not intended to be judgmental - I frequently have my three year old in my bed because it's the easiest option at the time but I don't sleep well with him there and the problem spirals. I think when you're exhausted (and in your case depressed) it can be hard to implement strategies for managing your children's behaviour which can initially make life harder. I sometimes don't even have the headspace to think of how I want to manage some aspect of their behaviour. And maybe you also find it hard to say no to them because you're not used to prioritising your own needs? It is fine and probably normal not to want to be touched by your children 24/7. I also get touched out and have started being a lot firmer about not letting the 3yr old climb on me etc. I'll offer him a cuddle as an alternative but will also sometimes say that I need space and physically remove him from me (often several times). I also evict him from my bed the minute he kicks me now and he is very gradually getting the message. You may, of course, have particularly clingy children because of what you have all been through - it's not surprising that they want to be physically close to you all the time but can be really wearing.

Can you get your children to start helping to tidy up? I appreciate that may also be a battle and they may not be very helpful initially but I think it's important to have children who at least tidy up after themselves in the long run as a single parent. (And also I don't want my boys to grow up thinking that women will always clear up after them). Maybe you could also start small with a few rules around what kind of mess they are allowed to make - so no toys in your room and if there are toys there you confiscate them for a day (for example) but they can have whatever toys they like in their own rooms as long as they tidy them at bedtime.

And if nothing else I think time probably helps. They won't be in your bed clinging to you forever. It will also be much easier to get a new job / train for something / make new friendships etc. as they get older.

Wish I could give you a big hug, OP.

I am a single parent too but only have the one. I get resentful a lot. I've got broader MH issues and am trying to get therapy but it's so tough doing anything other than being a parent when you've got to do the bulk (or it all) by yourself.

I just wanted to post to say that I can relate to a lot of what you say. This won't be forever, try to find a 'glimmer' once in a while and as time goes on you will remember those and not just being knee deep in the trenches. There is so much I could say about how women get shafted by men in what feels like nearly every way in life, but I would never be able to express it sufficiently. Sending love (and hopefully a decent night of sleep, at least..!) x

Sorry to read how you are feeling and how hard it is to cope. You do need most of all some outside support to lift you up and help you keep going. It makes such a difference just to have someone. You could talk to the Samaritans and ask them if there is any sort of befriending service or voluntary organisation for families in your area. Some local councils used to provide a volunteer befriender for families that need a hand. You could ask the council if there's anything like that or anything for children having problems with sleeping or behaviour.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We'll be moving the thread over to Mental Health in a moment.

I'm truly sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing. You're not alone, and seeking help is a powerful step towards healing. Reach out to local support services or mental health professionals who can provide guidance and a safe space for your emotions. Prioritize self-care, even in small moments, and consider connecting with local parenting communities for shared experiences. Remember, your well-being matters, and there are people who want to help you through difficult times.

Hi OP,

You've been through so much - it’s no surprise you are struggling. It must be so hard - make sure you are asking your family for support if you can?

It’s easy to compare but lives all take different trajectories. Your siblings lives might look great and orderly on the surface - maybe they are now but that doesn’t mean things will always be that way. In the future things might be so different.

I agree with focusing on the sleep issues as priority 1. Lots of reward charts for sleeping in own beds etc. Maybe even see if the kids want to do a sleepover with one of the aunties/uncles so you can have a night off?

You are bound to feel burnt and wary when dating again. Don’t let it put you off forever but just take things nice and slow and at your own pace.

Do you try to chat/make an effort with the other mums? Is there one you could ask for a cup of tea and try to get to know a bit more?

Sending you a big hug. ❤️