It’s not just health anxiety, I have had poor mental health since a small child. I have ocd, various anxieties, depression and disordered eating (ARFID).
Even when I was a small child I had existential anxieties and fears and because no one has, or will ever be able to give me clear and definitive answers to my questions about life and death, I end up with more questions than answers.
But now that I am 50 and watching my mum slowly suffering from Alzheimer’s and my MIL die a horrible and painful death from metastasised bowel cancer, I fear disease and old age more than ever.
I worry so much about heading into my older years especially as I have had 2 decades of digestive and gynae issues which are only getting worse as I age and despite endless tests and told all well (although currently awaiting on results of a recent pelvic mri for potential endometriosis, which has only served to ramp up my anxiety even more), I am feeling worse than ever. I am also in perimenopause which is obviously not helping the situation at all.
I have tried to overcome this with years of CBT and I really do try to implement this all into tackling this fear but it really doesn’t stop the fear or panic at all.
How can I enjoy older age with a chronic health condition, poor mental health and this never ending existential angst?