Now that I am older, I can not see how I will ever overcome my lifelong health anxiety

[Picklemeyellow]

It’s not just health anxiety, I have had poor mental health since a small child. I have ocd, various anxieties, depression and disordered eating (ARFID).

Even when I was a small child I had existential anxieties and fears and because no one has, or will ever be able to give me clear and definitive answers to my questions about life and death, I end up with more questions than answers.

But now that I am 50 and watching my mum slowly suffering from Alzheimer’s and my MIL die a horrible and painful death from metastasised bowel cancer, I fear disease and old age more than ever.

I worry so much about heading into my older years especially as I have had 2 decades of digestive and gynae issues which are only getting worse as I age and despite endless tests and told all well (although currently awaiting on results of a recent pelvic mri for potential endometriosis, which has only served to ramp up my anxiety even more), I am feeling worse than ever. I am also in perimenopause which is obviously not helping the situation at all.

I have tried to overcome this with years of CBT and I really do try to implement this all into tackling this fear but it really doesn’t stop the fear or panic at all.

How can I enjoy older age with a chronic health condition, poor mental health and this never ending existential angst?

Agree with the autism point, I was diagnosed mid 20s and the assessor told me on the spot that “normal” talking therapies were unlikely to be useful for me unless they were adapted for autism.

user1471548941 that’s interesting. I have had so many therapies over the years and none have had much impact no matter how much effort I put in (especially CBT), I’ve always felt such a failure because of this.

Here you go!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/4559328-im-a-hypnotist-remedial-not-stage-ama

Thank you Eyesopenwideawake

I’m the same OP and I was diagnosed with autism about nine years ago. Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I feel tortured even though the situation is the same. Often my health anxiety will become worse if I have other stresses.

I quite like the book At Last a Life By Paul David…it isn’t perfect because it’s written by someone who didn’t always suffer with anxiety but it’s still helpful.

CBT is pretty useless for autistic people because it’s too basic and seems to be aimed at people who’ve never done any work on themselves.

@Picklemeyellow Pick anoth EDMR therapist, go face to face and throw all the money you have at it if you feel it’s working. It really can be far far superior to any other therapy. Good luck x

@Picklemeyellow pick someone who specialises in EDMR. As in that’s their preferred treatment. You need someone thats passionate about it. Travel if you have to, to find that person.

Sounds bloody terrible Op.
I can’t relate at all as however much the shit hits the fan I still just have an inner feeling life is inherently good.
I can’t imagine how it will feel to not think that. Do you not feel “ yourself” though? Like you are a living being so have some purpose in that alone?

Thanks AmethystSparkles I will check out the book.
Interesting what you say about CBT because that’s exactly how I’ve always seen it. It has always felt to simplistic, too basic. I am fully aware there are other ways of looking at feelings, thought processes or scenarios etc but when you have 20 other thought processes jumbled up in your brain, all talking to you at once it doesn’t feel so easy it all into practice.

96waystobehappy Sadly I don’t have any money to through at it, so I’ve had to rely on the NHS every time.

Namenumber3 it is hard to articulate as it’s been a deep set feeling I’ve had since I was a very small child and just feels part of who I am and how I think but I suppose I feel there isn’t really a purpose in any of it, not for me, for you or anyone or anything else existing on this planet.
Of course, I’ve had enjoyable times in my life but when I reflect on them, it all makes zero sense to me so it’s hard to fully give in and enjoy any of it.
It is so hard to explain but I am the type of person who needs an explanation to everything, it’s how I function. I appreciate that so many aspects of life have no explanations and never will and that’s why I struggle because I need the answers yet there are so many scenarios in life in which absolutely no one can give a clear it definitive answer to, many theories obviously but none set in concrete with clear cut evidence to support those theories so my mind will fill in the gaps with my own interpretations and I end up confused with even more questions.
I haven’t explained that well because it’s all jumbled up here in my annoying grey matter and just part of my daily thought processes!

Taking duloxetine was literally like turning off the anxiety tap for me and the fear. I still find it hard at times if I have an actual physical symptom but im
much better at rationalising and not worrying all the time compared to how I used to be. I find duloxetine does t make me flat like fluoxetine did.

Haggisfish3 that sounds wonderful. My GP did once offer me duloxetine but I was worried incase it made my IBS worse. Did you experience any side effects?

None at all.

I had to register if only to comment on your post. Apart from me being male and 67 our life experience is very similar. Dad died when i was 11. Various negative things conspired to make school miserable and i never achieved what i could have. Painfully shy. Gave up pretty much until it was too late to achieve anything. I think that's when my existential depression and angst started. Always felt the outsider. Did get a job in a bank but retrained in electronics.

Moved away from home in 1984 to be nearer work but that left mum on her own so i was back and forth there weekends so never really set up properly in my new house. Worked until 2000 then my job ended and at that time mum's dementia had got to the stage where she either went into a home or somebody had to be with her 24/7. i moved back and was with her until 2007 when she died.

Not worked since then. Rented the house out, kept it in case i wanted to move back. The current tenant has trashed it. i thought i was being generous letting him stay there but that was a mistake. That's a current worry.

Have felt alone all my life. Never had a relationship. Have felt it's 'me' against the world. Existential depression, lack of motivation, procrastination, panic when things are just left.

All of this ( and stuff that i haven't said) is enough to make my life hell. That's not taking into account the direction the world is heading and the obvious plans that are being put into effect over our heads. I just wish i was 10 years older so i could of had 10 more of the good years. I would hate to be 17 again.

I'll stop there so as no to make it too long but will reread it all and come back with a part 2.

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Yeah, i'm starting to think i'm somewhere on the autism scale. Like you i had many issues as a child and what you could call 'weird' quirks. All through my life some people either refuse to talk to me or, after seeming to be friends for a while turn against me and can barely say hello. I'm not aware of it being anything i say or do. Sometimes i inadvertently and innocently say the wrong thing. Maybe that's autism. But then don't we all do that.

That’s good to know Haggisfish3, I think I will seriously need to think about medication again.
beenasleepmywholelife I am so sorry you are struggling. Coping with a parent with dementia is beyond devastating, the fact you cared for your mum until her death is something to be admired, you should be proud of yourself, it’s such a tough journey that only those on it truly understand the horrors this disease brings. I do hope you find some peace and contentment in your life.
I feel very much like wading through treacle whilst wearing concrete boots at times. I’m seriously going to look further into autism as this may (possibly) be the reason life has seemed so much of a hard journey for me?

beenasleepmywholelife often I’m the opposite, I am so careful not to say the ‘wrong’ thing to people and end up in a confrontation situation that I just end up not really conversing fully, or agreeing with that person or changing my personality to match those around me, at the time. This is something I’ve done for years.

Mine started when I lost my son and every day is filled with worry and panic. 4 months on duloxetine and only a little improvement I'm here if you need a chat - you're not alone x

Dawn1331 I am so sorry for your loss, I really am. Not the same at all but we lost our young niece to a brain tumour, it is just unimaginable. You are also more than welcome to send me a dm if you want a chat, thank you for your kind words x

@Picklemeyellow I just don't know how we can live like this it's just miserable x

when you have 20 other thought processes jumbled up in your brain, all talking to you at once it doesn’t feel so easy it all into practice.

Ah, yes. The boardroom analogy springs to mind.

People often talk about feeling overwhelmed simply because they have a lot
on their plate. The simple fact that they have a lot going on in life serves to justify why they feel overwhelmed and often unable to make a choice
on what task to take on next. As they decide to get on with something, another part of the mind shouts at them about something else they are now neglecting as a result of that choice. This becomes like a boardroom of people all with
different departments they are in charge of and different tasks they need to complete.

To run an effective board we need to make sure we understand that the chairman has the final say. This is the same with your thoughts vs your logic. Yes, each board member can make their point and state their case that their task is the most important but once the chairman has made his decision, we then require every department to pool their resources and put full focus on that one thing, that task in hand.

We don’t do this because we necessarily agree that this is the most
important task right now. We do it because the fastest way of getting
everything done is one thing at a time, with full commitment to each task.
So when it comes to deciding where we focus our efforts, all members of the board get heard but once the decision is made, we ALL join forces to action that decision.

Does this make sense to you @Picklemeyellow ?

@Haggisfish3 how long did it take for the duloxetine to fully kick in? I'm on month 4 and don't feel it's fully working x

Im in my 30s and i am exactly the same it's exhausting i also have OCD and BPD and due to traumas with peoples health around me people have suggested it may be PTSD it literally takes over my life covid was awful and exaggerated my symptoms but even getting prescribed antibiotics makes me paranoid ! i feel for you

I had awful anxiety and depression. CBT did help but I need medication to do the things I have to do each day. Setraline really upset my stomach and was awful. Fluoxetine has been a life saver. Worth a try? You’re suffering so very much and you may feel so much better if it works for you. If it doesn’t you can stop.
I also take some gentle exercise each day and get outside in nature. Watch the clouds move over the sky and find some beauty in nature. Sounds twee but it helps me!

Stop the internal voice
Focus on waking up and being grateful for the good things in your life
do things you enjoy and remind yourself that you can feel happy in any situation
Exercise your body and mind, don't smoke and drink in moderation. Give up bacon.
Remember stressful times where someone made a joke and you all cracked up laughing DESPITE life being awful.

You control your thoughts, they don't control you. Choose happier ones.

Longer explanation- there is a meditation where you clear your mind. Every time a thought comes up- throw it on the fire. This is really effective over time at eliminating intrusive thoughts. It trains you to pick and choose what you think. Mastering yourself is a life's work. You CAN do it.

I see you saying "my family have always...". Nope
This is a new day, you have never been here before and this is a new you. We grow and change and overcome.

@Undineimmor Give up bacon??? Why!