Massive fear of death

[AlltheJays23]

I have such a huge fear of dying. Its all I think about all day every day. Its ruining my life. If I read about someone dying I immediately go into meltdown. I'm convinced I have heart problems or cancer or I'll suddenly die of a sudden illness. Im a stay at home mum to my 17 month old. I struggle to be at home alone because I'm always thinking if I die I won't be able to get help and have a chance of survival. I struggle to even drive my car in case I have an accident. I worry about my house catching fire. What will happen to my son of I die. I spend a lot of times at the doctor's b cause I'm worried I'm sick and they are missing something and I'll just die. I've had ECGs, heart monitors, loads of blood tests. They can't find anything concerning but I always feel so unwell and weak and drained. I have daily panic attacks. Ive stopped eating, I have gallstones on a watch and wait approach but im scared to eat in case it makes it explode or something. I'm scared to eat because what if I have an allergic reaction or I choke. Every aspect of daily life and activity revolves around me panicking that I will die. I've had CBT, medication. Nothing works. I actually feel suicidal because I cant cope with this constant anxiety and obsessive intrusive thoughts all day every day. How can I contemplate ending my life when I'm so scared of not existing anymore? I'm so miserable. I'm not sure what I hoped to achieve from this post. I suppose I just needed to write something down. I have no friends. I'm extremely isolated. My family think I'm crazy and actually my partner mocks me most of the time and and makes me feel ashamed. I've told many GPs all of this and they aren't listening. I don't know how to cope anymore. I want to enjoy my life but I just can't because of constant worry. I feel like a terrible mother, my son is happy and healthy but I know that one day he will pick up on my fears and odd behaviour and he will be a nervous wreck just like me. I spend all my days crying or snapping or just doing nothing. Even basic tasks like showering or cooking, housework I struggle to do because I think any sudden movement will cause my heart to fail or a blood clot or something. I'm aware how silly this all sounds.but I just can't help it. What can I do now.

That sounds exhausting and it doesn't help that your family and partner won't support you. Do you gave access to a crisis team who you can talk to.

I do have their number but I've never called them. I worry they will think I'm mad and cart me off to a mental hospital or even worse take my son away.

When did this start? And was there a particular trigger or series of events that started you thinking this way?

They won't think you are mad, you have a debilitating anxiety, it's overtaking your life, it's not your fault.

They will not think you’re mad or cart you off. This is an illness and needs treatment OP. You deserve to be well.

You need to get help and that starts with contacting the crisis team.
Ive suffered all-consuming anxiety and it is hell on Earth. I understand how you feel, you are not alone. Nobody will take your child away. You are not a danger to your child and you say you have a partner there too. Have you tried many medications? There’s a possibility you have not found the right one for you yet.
Did something trigger your fear of death?

I'm not sure what the trigger is. I've had it for about 12 years but it got worse when son was born. The sheer terror of dying and leaving him behind.

What would you do if you weren't worrying? How would your life be without those concerns?

Are you on medication or have contact with a therapist OP? We don't talk much about death generally but clearly none of us can avoid it and I wonder if you are grappling with the reality of that on some level. Clearly the anxiety that this is inducing is paralysing you tho and you are right to be concerned that you will pass it on to your children. Please reach out for help. No one will think you are mad, that is still the anxiety talking. Just find spaces where you can talk about this rather than sitting in isolation with it. Good luck.

Id be doing normal things. Like taking my son nice places, id be able to enjoy my own company. Just some normalcy really.

Would you like to be able to do these things, you can get help for this, sitting with your thoughts is making you ill with worry.

You are not going mad, you have a horrendous anxiety that was maybe triggered by something. Has it always been this way? I had a nervous breakdown because of the anxiety and you'll get past it. There's the end to this but you need to tell your GP / MH services that you have the anxiety. And sometimes hours of mindful breathing can do fuck all but a nice pill helps. Don't be afraid of medication. Oh how I loved my life on benzos. 😅😅😅
I also had an unsupportive partner. Fuck them. Sorry. But yeah, whatever. Focus on yourself and getting better and ignore other people.

I am.vwry wort id about taking medications for it as I feel that the problem is deeper. Plus I'm so terrified of taking medication in case of side effects.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds debilitating.
You say you are not eating, and that will be affecting your mental health.
Can you manage to eat a varied diet with lots of fruit and vegetables, and see if that helps.
I agree that you also need to see the GP again. Be insistent about the huge effect anxiety is having in you, and ask for an antidepressant.

The GPs are aware and they've prescribed me meds but I cannot bring myself to take them through fear

Hello OP, I am sorry you are feeling so much anxiety. It can be paralyzing. You should see a psychiatrist. They will be able to diagnose your problem and get you the help you need. You do not have to suffer like this.

So 12 years ago some part of your subconscious became aware of your own mortality (or mortality in general) - maybe because someone close to you died or maybe it was something seemingly inconsequential like a film or newspaper article, something you can no longer consciously remember.

That particular part of your subconscious mind got so freaked out about this is it's decided you need to be aware of and thinking about this all day, every day because if you don't something awful will happen. This is patently not true.

Imagine if your son cried out in the middle of the night that there was a monster under his bed. Would you scoop him out of his bed in a panic, run out into the night, screaming for help and begging your neighbours to call the police to deal with the monster? No, you calmly reassure your son that monsters are just something that we make up in our heads and that there's no danger. That's what you need to do with the part of your mind that's making up stories about your health. Think back over the last 12 years. Which ones of those 4380 or so days were you actually in any real danger of dying? In fact how many of those days involved anything other than normal stuff?

If this makes sense to you have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis, it is very effective in dealing with these types of issues.

What frightens you about taking the meds?

You are in great distress. There is nothing you can do alone, and a referral to psychiatrist is very important now. You need psych help.

Please do it. For your son's sake and your own. He will be distressed knowing you are suffering. He will see it and feel it even if you think you're hiding it.

You need to get to a point where you can actually take the meds. They will help enormously.

I have asked for a.refferral to the community mental health team and the GP will not do it.

Side effects and the I read that SSRIs are bad for your heart and can cause cardiac problems.

Yes this is exactly how it is

It seems that you can access Talking Therapies without GP referral. There is further mental health information here and links to mental health charities. Have a look and maybe decide to take action today.

Mental health services - NHS (www.nhs.uk)

I've done talking therapies, CBT, three times this year. No improvement. I'm on the waiting list for a fourth round. They have told me I need more in depth care but I can't get a referral. It seems you have to attempt suicide before anyone will take you seriously.

Is A+E an option for you? Might be a way of getting a referral without having to consult your GP.

I would think it's time now for A+E if you cannot get a referral elsewhere. You are in distress and your son will pick up on it.