Massive fear of death

[AlltheJays23]

I have such a huge fear of dying. Its all I think about all day every day. Its ruining my life. If I read about someone dying I immediately go into meltdown. I'm convinced I have heart problems or cancer or I'll suddenly die of a sudden illness. Im a stay at home mum to my 17 month old. I struggle to be at home alone because I'm always thinking if I die I won't be able to get help and have a chance of survival. I struggle to even drive my car in case I have an accident. I worry about my house catching fire. What will happen to my son of I die. I spend a lot of times at the doctor's b cause I'm worried I'm sick and they are missing something and I'll just die. I've had ECGs, heart monitors, loads of blood tests. They can't find anything concerning but I always feel so unwell and weak and drained. I have daily panic attacks. Ive stopped eating, I have gallstones on a watch and wait approach but im scared to eat in case it makes it explode or something. I'm scared to eat because what if I have an allergic reaction or I choke. Every aspect of daily life and activity revolves around me panicking that I will die. I've had CBT, medication. Nothing works. I actually feel suicidal because I cant cope with this constant anxiety and obsessive intrusive thoughts all day every day. How can I contemplate ending my life when I'm so scared of not existing anymore? I'm so miserable. I'm not sure what I hoped to achieve from this post. I suppose I just needed to write something down. I have no friends. I'm extremely isolated. My family think I'm crazy and actually my partner mocks me most of the time and and makes me feel ashamed. I've told many GPs all of this and they aren't listening. I don't know how to cope anymore. I want to enjoy my life but I just can't because of constant worry. I feel like a terrible mother, my son is happy and healthy but I know that one day he will pick up on my fears and odd behaviour and he will be a nervous wreck just like me. I spend all my days crying or snapping or just doing nothing. Even basic tasks like showering or cooking, housework I struggle to do because I think any sudden movement will cause my heart to fail or a blood clot or something. I'm aware how silly this all sounds.but I just can't help it. What can I do now.

I'm not keen on going to A & E. I don't feel like I will get any help there. Plus, I know my partner will leave me if I dare to go to A & E and tell them exactly how I feel..he will be embarrassed and he doesn't believe me that it's this bad. He thinks I should just shake it off and stop being pathetic. I've tried to explain that it's not that easy. Plus I don't want to draw attention to myself because I don't want people to start questioning my parenting skills.

OK then, you might have to save up to pay for a private GP. Is that an option? S/he I think could refer you to mental health crisis services. Your own GP refuses, you will not (for your own good reasons) go to A+E so this might be your only option now.

Consider it, and put the private GP on a credit card if necessary or borrow from family. There is no price on your well being and good mental health. You are recognising there is something very wrong so good on you for trying to find a solution.

You said you have the phone number of the crisis team so if you call them they may be able to help you get a referral. Do you know who arranged the cbt, do they have a helpline.

Maybe have a look at this book:
https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/products/anxiety-condition/free-yourself-from-death-anxiety/
its written by Prof David Veale who is a leading expert in managing anxiety disorders. It may help you and/or help your family members understand and support you.
he also takes private patients if that is an option for you.

The CBT was through the NHS talking therapies. They can't refer you on. Only make recommendations which they did which was ignored.

OK. This is not something you have to live with. Happy to point you in the direction of help.