What the hell just happened??!!!

[Latenightmess]

I was having a very triggering argument with my partner which ended badly. I've been awful about our relationship for a long while for various reasons. My mental health has been up the walls because of it and I've been having back to back panic attacks everyday.

Well after this discussion I had flashbacks of some pretty traumatic events that played out one after the other. Then after that I tried to work out what was going on but I felt really distant from myself. I suffer with dissociation but this was different. It felt (and still feels) like a heavy block has been put in my head and although my partner was trying to communicate with me I couldn't get my body to respond. Then for a short while I couldn't think at all let alone remember. I started freaking out because my brain wouldn't physically let me recall who my partner was. He reassured me who he was and said he was scared.

It's partially passed now but I still feel like someone is sitting on my head. I had to really concentrate to remember what I've done today but it feels like the person who did those things isn't me and im looking back on someone else's memories.

The whole thing has scared the heck out of me. I've never experienced this before. Was it a mini break down? Do I need to go to a psychiatric ward

You allude to things having been difficult with your partner, having triggering rows? This worries me a little, as my ex-partner tried very hard to convince me that I had various mental issues, and by the time I got rid of him, he had almost succeeded. What kind of spiteful things does he say? Do you really feel he supports you/helps? Are the children his?

@Ohwhatthewhatwhatnow it's more so the stuff he has put me through. Lies, betrayal, physical/sexual abuse. I'm carrying the weight of it everyday and it's making me ill. Every day I suppress these memories but last night i had forcible flash backs that caused what I'm experiencing now

Have you told the crisis team about the way he has treated you? This may help them to treat you as without knowing the underlying cause / backstory it is more difficult for them to do so.

He is a dangerous partner who has abused you in so many ways. Please do contact women's aid for support to safely leave him.

although my partner was trying to communicate with me I couldn't get my body to respond. Then for a short while I couldn't think at all let alone remember. I started freaking out because my brain wouldn't physically let me recall who my partner was. He reassured me who he was and said he was scared.

For example this makes so much more sense knowing the history.

You perhaps dissociated from the situation and him because the triggering memories and flashbacks are of his abuse of you.

It's hard for a brain to rectify the abuse with the fact he's present and talking to you as if he's a safe partner, reassuring you er .

He absolutely isn't a safe partner and your brain must be really struggling with this. I'm so sorry

I will try ringing the crisis team again today and hopefully get a better response

I hope so OP, got everything crossed you speak to someone helpful today

Are you able to see your partner as an abuser who is not safe for you to remain in a relationship with?

Or is that too overwhelming a realisation to acknowledge in order to start the process of leaving him for the sake of your mental health?

Please do consider just chatting to women's aid, who can guide you through this without putting any pressure on you or forcing you into any decisions.

Your children need their mum to be safe and to live in a safe home. Neither of those things can happen as long as you remain in a relationship with your abuser. You deserve more too of course

@Latenightmess have you received any support for the abuse you have been suffering? You seem to be stuck very much in the blaming yourself mindset. In particular when you said "My partner has so lovingly asked me what even was with you last night. I'm still as clueless and none the wiser" It felt very familiar to me; it took me a long time to realise that what was happening was not my fault. Your body knows that you aren't safe, and the extreme reactions/flashbacks etc are your nervous systems desperate plea for you to change something and get to safety.

@Latenightmess do you live with your partner?

@Ohwhatthewhatwhatnow yes I do

Oh OP, the biggest issue you have is an abusive partner. Can you contact Women's Aid at all?

Dissociation can absolutely be like that.

I lose control of my body when I dissociate.

Flashbacks are a common symptom if there has been trauma and so is dissociation,

Mine is mostly due to my abusive ExH who could also (pretend) to be caring. Your body knows he is capable of hurting you badly.

Can you start to put together a plan to get away? I have not had any dissociative attacks since we divorced.

I strongly advise you contact a Domestic Abuse service and start to make a plan with them, to leave. This is a very dangerous time for you and you will need a lot of support.