I think about suicide all day long

[JustSettleOnAUsername]

Very literally all day, it's become the first thing I think about in the morning to the last thing at night.

I think about methods (pros and cons), whether it is more or less selfish to leave a note, how to minimise impact on DH and DC (e.g. is there a way to make it look like an accident), whether I care if there is a life beyond death.

I think about it so much it's stopped being distressing to me. I feel quite numb about it, even find comfort in it, but a part of me realises that's not exactly normal.

I have OCD, I'm wondering if there is some kind of suicide OCD.

Are you getting support from your local mental health team or GP?

No. Part of me doesn't want to tell them so they don't restrict my options.

I have basic private healthcare and asked for a therapy referral today but lied on all the questions about thoughts of self harm because they don't treat urgent presentations.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources: www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health. You can also go to the Samaritans website at www.samaritans.org/ or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
Take care, OP.

Hi OP, I have severe OCD and anxiety so I can relate. I also have these feelings and thoughts all day long but the thing is I'm terrified of the thought of dying. I came to the conclusion that it was my OCD intrusive thoughts making me feel this way and that it's not how I ACTUALLY feel. I would think it's definitely related to your OCD and maybe your just having a bad flare up? I get like that where all I think about for days is dying and I obsess over it. If you can't get a referral anytime soon then I would suggest calling the Samaritans. They've been extremely helpful to me in the past.

As AlltheJays touched on, is it more an intrusive thought that is annoying but that you know you will not act upon? Or is it more like an urge you feel you may act upon? The help you need in both situations is rather different.

I actually think it's both an obsession and compulsion:

1. obsession - graphic intrusive image so I play out the whole scenario, e.g. funeral, effect on DC compulsively to assure myself that I wouldn't do it.
2. a different intrusive thought (e.g. the DC dying) that I compulsively reassure myself that I can kill myself if it ever got to that.

This is then causing low mood where I think maybe I should kill myself to stop the pain.

A lot to untangle.

This is exactly how my OCD plays out and I couldn't have said it better myself. I often think about ending it all to stop the pain or the endless cycle of intrusive thoughts and compulsions.. I know it doesn't feel like it now and I'm hardly in a position to be giving advice but just remember the thoughts are lying to you. Think of these thoughts as a bully and just tell them to F off! And move on. Its excruciatingly hard but it does work.

What protective factors do you have? What stops you?

Do you have an actual plan to do anything to harm yourself?

This sounds like intrusive thoughts. Do you have OCD?

@bottleofbeer I have my beautiful kids and DH.

Lots of plans, including researching how successful and painful they are.

I have diagnosed OCD and the severity has fluctuated over the years.

@JustSettleOnAUsername I have some experience that sounds extremely similar to yours. I have OCD and a recent history of depression, and they kind of intertwine. I obsess over the same thoughts as you do, I feel like it is my destiny to do it, I make plans and research methods, etc. and I feel no distress about it now. I have even visited locations.

But I also don't want to destroy the lives of the people who love me. So I (mostly) know I won't do it, but I have these obsessive thoughts about doing it, and desires to do it, so researching it and planning it has become something of a comforting (and thus compulsive) thought pattern for me that I spiral into.

I do think it's sometimes not as simple as saying the reason is this, that or the other. It may not be OCD alone, but OCD could easily be a factor. The only thing I will say is that I have regular therapy and it's a huge help. I can't stress how much of a help it is. I don't really know how anyone could get through this without having someone to speak to about it in complete confidence.

@trebert in a weird way it's sort of comforting to know I'm not alone in these thoughts. Sorry you experience the same though.

I am waiting for therapy. I lied to the GP about suicidal thoughts though as they always suggest crisis team or A&E and I think that would tip me over. I've also felt like this for a long time and I'm not actually dead.

Yeah it's draining and isolating, that's probably why talk therapy is so important. Good luck OP. Where I live I have to pay privately but hopefully the public system there will work for you.

These are intrusive thoughts love, you're not actively suicidal. Personally, I don't ask people if they have suicidal ideation, I ask what their immediate plans are in a very conversational way. It's when they don't immediately respond in a casual, conversational way but seem like a rabbit in the headlights that I worry.

I'm sure it's been mentioned, but CBT can really help with intrusive thoughts.

Have you tried anti-depressants OP?
I am not keen on them but they have definitely quietened down my thoughts of suicide. They are still there but not at the forefront of every waking moment and the urgency of taking action has gone because life is not so unbearable now.

I think sudden urges like that are fairly common @Somatosensational so you don’t need to be overly concerned about them. I think it is more worrying if you have a firm plan in mind.

@MNHQ why has my post been deleted?

Suicide method mentioned, I reckon.

Thanks @Veryirritating. I thought it was ok to say what I did because I’ve read the same sorts of things in other threads. Oh well.

Hope you are ok @Somatosensational

Are you getting any support with your MH?

I am… I saw my CPN today and was quite open with her about how I was feeling, and told her that I’ve been drinking again to try to manage my feelings which I know isn’t good. It’s like I’m going down a bit of a destructive path and don’t really know how to stop

My life was very different the last time this happened… I didn’t have a lot to lose but now I’ve got a lovely cat who depends on me and I’m about to graduate (mature student) and start my new career FFS. I need to somehow snap out of it, but it feels so easy and lovely and familiar if that makes sense.

Glad you are able to confide in your CPN.

Try not to be so hard on yourself as it isn’t your fault and it isn’t just a case of snapping out of it. Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself a break and time to recover. I’m in a similar situation and it is tough. xx

Thank you @Veryirritating. I’m really sorry you’re in a similar situation. Are you also getting MH support?

Yes, I’m seeing a psychiatrist who has given me a huge amount of support recently. Also seeing a therapist but I’m not sure about her yet!