Attempted suicide - Blame

[Nimbus1999]

If you were married to a cold, unloving, uncaring person and you attempted suicide, are they to blame? Are they guilty of attempted manslaughter?

Yes I do feel we were probably just not compatible due to mis-matched personalities/needs.

I’m analysing all this stuff due to pending court cases and I’m representing myself.

Yes that sounds emotionally manipulative on his part tbh op.

absolutely agree

It's not your fault. He sounds very unwell. You tried to help him by the sound of it. Sometimes you can't reach people no matter what you do. It's very complicated but please don't accept blame.

I am trying not to but it is hard. Especially when he constantly blames me and makes references to my attempt at killing him.

A relative of mine used to attempt suicide and tell me that it was because of things I had or hadn't done.

It wasn't my fault. Even if I'd done wrong - because trying to kill yourself isn't a reasonable response to an argument or someone doing something you don't like. It was manipulation. And what happened here is unfortunate and painful but it isn't your fault either. It sounds as if the two of you were no longer compatible. If a grown adult is unhappy in a relationship they have options. They can talk it through or seek counselling or leave.

His responsibility. You are not responsible for anyone else's mental health and you cannot control their actions. Just as you can't stop a determined person from taking their own life, you can't make someone do it either. Don't take that guilt on yourself.

"Look at what you made me do/ drove me to" is classic abuser behaviour.

His temper and his reaction to a separation are not your responsibility. This is DARVO, framing you as the problem and him as the victim.

We say it a lot on here, but look up the Freedom Programme, it can help.

I'd be honest here. Any time he does this correct it to 'when you tried to kill yourself.' People shy away from mentioning it because it's uncomfortable, but bluntness might be needed here.

Refuse to accept that blame. Even if you really were an unsupportive partner, you did not attempt to kill him. That's complete guilt-tripping nonsense and you shouldn't let it stand.

You cannot get in someone else head
Do not even try
You are not responsible for their choices or for their m h
But you can seek support yourself to talk about your feelings and your own mind and explore your feelings about this

(Unless you actually drove him physically to the cliff edge and said "jump" .... does not sound like it? )

I’ve not heard of the Freedom Programme but will definitely look it up, thank you.

I think you might be right about correcting him, especially now when it’s 18 months past the event. I guess it’s always felt a bit heartless to do that in the past when he was struggling. But enough is enough and he doesn’t consider me when he blames me/swears at me/calls me names. I probably do need to toughen up. It’s hard though because he obviously was/is struggling.

His struggless, his mind, his responsibility to see gp get help

Your response your responsibility to see counsellor and talk it through with someone, do seek support to explore your feelings

Thank you for all the replies, it really has been helpful. He luckily has full private mental health cover. I do wonder whether I should ask to join an NHS waiting list for some counselling as perhaps it would be good to talk about everything.

Do you know for a hundred percent fact that the attempt happened?

Yes see a counsellor

I was not with him but he told me and numerous others that he had overdosed. I called ambulance/police along with others and he was taken to hospital. Kept in for the day on a drip and then released. It definitely did happen.

You don't think you have to worry. If he tries that kind of blame in court any decent judge would see it's irrational.

Absolutely not. To suggest that is horrible and controlling. "Look what you made me do"?

People with poor mental health can be very manipulative- and him saying 'your attempt to kill me' is straight out of the abuser's handbook. He attempted suicide. You did not attempt to kill him and this sort of manipulative language is designed to play on your guilt and keep you where he wants you.

The freedom program and time to talk are both excellent ideas

He uses phases such as “as far as I am concerned, you are guilty of attempted manslaughter”, “you tried to kill me”, “you tried to put me in a hole”, “I was nearly not here today because of you”.

I will seek counselling.

Manipulative, guilt inducing toxic language that has no bearing on reality.

Hopefully the hospital have referred him to the mental health team, this is not your fault. I wouldconsider asking for a restraining order when you divorce for your own well being

This was not your fault.
Counselling is a good idea to help you be more resilient to his blatant manipulation.

Again, this was not your fault. His actions are his alone.

Oh dear op sorry. I hope you are feeling better xxxx

I don't know the answer OP.

I wish all of you a happier future

He’s talking like you removed any and all other options from him. Is that true? I am guessing not.

He’s attempting to weave a reality from a position where he has no responsibility or control over his actions and you’re giving it a level of importance and credibility that no one else from the outside looking in would.

Of course it is not true. I tried to support him. I made appointments with psychologists. I met his psychologist. I tried to look after kids/house so he could focus on him. I did ask for a separation though. I did force him to be alone (or he could have stayed with family) when he was depressed. If I could go back and change things, I’m not sure I would do the same again. I don’t know. Life had become so unbearable at home.