I have crippling debilitating anxiety and OCD. The anxiety is mostly around my health, my OCD is intrusive thoughts & obsessions over symptoms, dangerous scenarios, all the what ifs. I religiously count, tap, chant in my head, heck I’ve even pulled chunks of my own hair out. I don’t do it to hurt myself, it feels quite calming and relieving. My whole life revolves around obsessively checking my body for lumps, bumps, marks. I’m on high alert for any pain or twinge and automatically with any type of pain or ache I go into complete panic. I’ve been convinced for over a year that I have a heart problem that’s undiagnosed. I’ve had ECG, 24hr monitor. Nothing, Judy ectopic beats which are apparently normal. I can’t let it go that there is nothing wrong. I’m crying as day every day because I’m scared I’m just going to drop dead and my son will be without me. It brings me so much emotional pain when I think that I ain’t be here to love him. I make up scenarios in my head or visions of me being dead and my family all gathered round me Etc I can’t be home alone because I’m scared, I don’t like to go out because I’m scared people are going to attack me or I will be in a freak accident. I won’t eat new foods because I’m scared if allergic reactions. Some days I can’t even get dressed, cook a meal or have a bath either because I’m too scared to do sudden movements in case my heart goes or I’m in too much pain (recently diagnosed fibro) I’ve had this for many years but it just seems to be getting worse. I’ve got a toddler and I feel so bad because I literally most of the time just do the bare minimum such as washing, dressing, feeding him. Some days I just sit and he entertains himself with his toys or tv. I feel like a terrible mother and I probably am to be fair. I don’t know what the purpose of this post is to be honest. I feel so lonely & isolated & hopeless. I have a partner but he just doesn’t get it, he’s no supportive and he just thinks I’m being silly or dramatic. My parents think I’m silly too. I get where my partner comes from because I bet it’s bloody exhausting living with someone like me. I just want to be a normal person and enjoy my son and enjoy my life without being in high alert. My nervous system is shot to bits. I’ve tried various medications, and I’ve had therapy CBT so many times and I just seem to keep spiralling. Despite my worsening mental health my doctor won’t refer me to community mental health service. It seems because I am not suicidal or erratic that they don’t care. I’m not sure where to go or what to do. I just want to be a better mum and wife and person.