Debilitating anxiety

[AlltheJays23]

I have crippling debilitating anxiety and OCD. The anxiety is mostly around my health, my OCD is intrusive thoughts & obsessions over symptoms, dangerous scenarios, all the what ifs. I religiously count, tap, chant in my head, heck I’ve even pulled chunks of my own hair out. I don’t do it to hurt myself, it feels quite calming and relieving. My whole life revolves around obsessively checking my body for lumps, bumps, marks. I’m on high alert for any pain or twinge and automatically with any type of pain or ache I go into complete panic. I’ve been convinced for over a year that I have a heart problem that’s undiagnosed. I’ve had ECG, 24hr monitor. Nothing, Judy ectopic beats which are apparently normal. I can’t let it go that there is nothing wrong. I’m crying as day every day because I’m scared I’m just going to drop dead and my son will be without me. It brings me so much emotional pain when I think that I ain’t be here to love him. I make up scenarios in my head or visions of me being dead and my family all gathered round me Etc I can’t be home alone because I’m scared, I don’t like to go out because I’m scared people are going to attack me or I will be in a freak accident. I won’t eat new foods because I’m scared if allergic reactions. Some days I can’t even get dressed, cook a meal or have a bath either because I’m too scared to do sudden movements in case my heart goes or I’m in too much pain (recently diagnosed fibro) I’ve had this for many years but it just seems to be getting worse. I’ve got a toddler and I feel so bad because I literally most of the time just do the bare minimum such as washing, dressing, feeding him. Some days I just sit and he entertains himself with his toys or tv. I feel like a terrible mother and I probably am to be fair. I don’t know what the purpose of this post is to be honest. I feel so lonely & isolated & hopeless. I have a partner but he just doesn’t get it, he’s no supportive and he just thinks I’m being silly or dramatic. My parents think I’m silly too. I get where my partner comes from because I bet it’s bloody exhausting living with someone like me. I just want to be a normal person and enjoy my son and enjoy my life without being in high alert. My nervous system is shot to bits. I’ve tried various medications, and I’ve had therapy CBT so many times and I just seem to keep spiralling. Despite my worsening mental health my doctor won’t refer me to community mental health service. It seems because I am not suicidal or erratic that they don’t care. I’m not sure where to go or what to do. I just want to be a better mum and wife and person.

I have fibro and that’s exactly the pain I have at the moment. I know it’s fibro. It’s different from my normal pain but it’s just fibro. It’s bloody horrible but not a symptom of anything other than having fibro.

@Wolfiefan you see. I wasn’t convinced that I actually had it, I just thought that the doctor had basically had enough of me and said that’s what it is. But the more I’m reading up about it, it’s fits. I have morning pain and stifness, numbness and tingling. Sore arms, legs, back shoulders, facial pain and jaw pain and I’m exhausted all the time. I’m constantly in pain all day every day and some days I can barely even walk.

Bless you OP, I wish I could give you a hug. I had a cardio tape fitted last December and I'm getting the call back from the cardiologist next Wednesday. It's taken 11 months to hear anything. All my bloods are fine but I just feel so tired, and I feel like I'm living under water all the time. I have no energy and I feel like I'm so spaced out all the time.
My greatest fear since the age of 10 years old is death. I've had CBT and it hasn't helped just like you.
The fear of death has ruined my life and stopped me being the mother I dreamt of being.
Please don't think you're alone because there are many people who struggle with major health anxiety.
Anyone who hasn't been through it simply can't understand x

I don’t have much advice but just wanted to say you aren’t alone. I’ve had health anxiety with OCD since my mum had cancer almost 20 years ago.

It got worse when I had my children so I understand where you are coming from.

My OCD manifests like yours with the need to check my body for lumps and also with intrusive thoughts. The thing that has helped me the most is identifying that it’s anxiety or an intrusive thought out loud so when I get a thought - I literally say to myself, it’s not real, that’s not going to happen, it’s just an intrusive thought. It’s almost like I imagine my anxiety as a character, almost like a Jiminy Crickey type and I have to learn to ignore what they say. That makes me sound crazy probably but it’s definitely helped me.

You also need something to channel your brain when these thoughts start to take over, I use reading or knitting - have you got anything like this you could use to distract you.

As hard as it is you have to remind yourself that your fear of dying is robbing you of your life with you son now x

I had a tape and it took ages for them to get back to me. They concluded that I had ectopic beats and heart flutters but that they were fine and ectopics are quite normal apparently and common.

Thank you, yes, I know it is ruining my Luce and infact has taken over completely, some degree of worry is normal but it’s literally my entire life revolves around my anxiety & I really think the fact that I’m having some physical ailments it really ramped it up. I don’t really have much In the way of distractions. I try to keep busy but it’s like my anxiety won’t even let me do that.

Oh @AlltheJays23 its awful isn’t it. The pain is dreadful. I take medication though and walk the dogs each day. I use a stick if I have to. I practice mindfulness and use CBT techniques. I’ve started cold water swimming which is brilliant. In my head it helps that each stupid twinge or stabbing pain is “just” fibro. So I can dismiss it and move on.
Please do consider starting the meds. I picked a day I felt I would be up to it and said that was the day I would start. (I also have anxiety and depression and am now on fluoxetine). I can honestly say they have saved my life and saved my kids from the trauma of seeing me in the mess I had become.
You deserve to be well.

Thank you, it means a lot, im
still getting my head around the fibro and I suppose accepting that that’s what it is even though my anxious devil voice says “it’s something worse and they’ve missed it”.
my GP thinks it’s likely I have Rheumatoid Arthritis as well even though I was negative for the factor test. It’s rubbish because even though I’ve kind of got answers for why I feel like I do my brain still finds things to panic about, I want to be well. Honestly I do but I feel like I’ve been like this for such a long time my brain doesn’t know how to “not panic”

My world started getting smaller and smaller because I was to scared to go out incase I had a panic attack or dropped down dead.
My friends stopped calling.
I wont go in a car in case it crashes and I die
I've never been abroad incase of plane crash and I die. I wont try new foods like you, incase I have an allergic reaction and I die. I wont dye my hair anymore incase I have a reaction and die. I wont take medication incase I have an allergic reaction and die. And now it's getting to the point I wont turn my heating on incase the boiler blows up and I die.
It's honestly exhausting living like this. And any amount of help I've received hasn't helped one bit, because that fear of death will never go away

Omg, I’m the same with my boiler! I turn it off at the wall and obsessively press the carbon monoxide alarm ten/twenty times to makes sure we haven’t got a gas leak and get poisened in our sleep.
it really does take over every aspect of your life doesn’t it. And yes, it’s the fear of death. I just can’t comprehend the fact that one day we will not be here and we will just be gone, I can’t accept it. And that is where it all stems from. We need to learn to accept it but I don’t know how.