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Borderline self harm

45 replies

Pumpkinprince55 · 12/11/2023 20:58

I’m a bit conflicted and thought I’d ask for some objective perspective.

Met a lovely man 5 months ago and we’ve been really good. I can’t remember the last time I have felt so strongly about someone which sounds a bit embarrassing. He’s ridiculously good looking, intelligent, creative and genuinely lovely and empathetic.

He admitted that he can get into moods and I have experienced some of this, although he has always reassured me that it wasn’t because of me and I believe that.

He was different when I met him at the weekend and I felt unnerved for the whole evening because I thought that something was wrong between us. Turns out that it wasn’t, but that he hadn’t been feeling well and had hurt himself and that he was ashamed and worried about telling me.

I don’t really know what to do about this if I’m honest. I have seen some self harm cuts before but those had been shallow, and these ones were very different and so deep and needed a gauze, ideally even stitches. I have never done anything like this, so I have no idea how serious this really is. The cuts were not at the wrist/ lower arm area.

I just don’t know what to do now. Apparently he was given a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder a long time ago but he sometimes does this when things get bad, but surely this can’t be a solution?

OP posts:
DelightfullyDotty · 12/11/2023 21:31

I’d be very careful. I was with someone like this for seven years…gosh he was so handsome I’d just gaze at him for ages. But the moods…mine also said that it wasn’t me and I should just try to ignore it, but he’d become so agitated and aggressive and I was quite scared of him. He appeared empathetic but he actually had no conscience at all. He also had a past history of domestic violence.

The thing with borderlines is that they’re in so much emotional pain that they don’t consider how anyone else is feeling. They think they have the right to treat people how they like because they’re suffering. There’s also a big overlap with fragile narcissism. There’s a reason it’s a cluster B personality disorder.

Blueeyedmale · 12/11/2023 21:37

I suffered for years with this my most of my anger was directed at myself or men I saw as potential abusers of children and women emotionally unsuitable personality disorder can be difficult to treat its not impossible dbt and intense counselling can help people come to terms with trauma but it's a long road op I won't gloss over it

Doggymummar · 12/11/2023 21:39

I dated a guy who burnt himself in the arms with a red hot poker which was awful to see. Final straw was setting himself on fire in the bedroom whilst I was in the house. It doesn't get better it escalates.

pinguins · 12/11/2023 21:41

This is the thin end of the wedge. He doesn't have his borderline under control. He needs to seek help for it (hopefully DBT). You are not his carer, fixer or mother and you cannot help him or be what he needs you to be.

You feel this strongly so soon because people with untreated BPD have magnetic personalities, because they are basically a mirror to whoever they're in a relationship with. That doesn't last because they can't keep it up, get exhausted, fall into a spiral of self-loathing and depression, and start enacting their negative impulsive behaviour patterns that they have learned as coping and control mechanisms for when life gets a bit imperfect.

You need to let this one go. If he goes and gets DBT, really works at it, and gets his BPD into remission, then you can consider a relationship but right now he is not relationship material, I'm sorry, and because of the nature of the illness you absolutely cannot let him think the door is open to a future relationship until he is sorted out.

mynameiscalypso · 12/11/2023 21:44

I feel like I should stick up for those of us that self harm! I have done it in the past because it's the only way to express how I feel. It doesn't escalate and I know how to keep myself safe but it's a release in the same way that someone else might drink to excess. The dealbreaker for me would be whether/if he's engaging with treatment options - therapy, meds etc - rather than the self harm itself. It sounds like he might not be though?

supernoodletrain · 12/11/2023 21:46

He needs to seek help. These things don't get better on their own and if you're with him while they get worse you will end up up feeling like you can't leave. He also should really get the cuts checked out if they're a deep as you say. As someone who used to self harm you can't fix things for him

supernoodletrain · 12/11/2023 21:48

mynameiscalypso · 12/11/2023 21:44

I feel like I should stick up for those of us that self harm! I have done it in the past because it's the only way to express how I feel. It doesn't escalate and I know how to keep myself safe but it's a release in the same way that someone else might drink to excess. The dealbreaker for me would be whether/if he's engaging with treatment options - therapy, meds etc - rather than the self harm itself. It sounds like he might not be though?

My experience was similar but like you say, the real difference is if you're seeking help or not. For me it was a coping mechanism and we see people harm themselves with risky behaviour all the time. But cuts to that extent without seeking help is a concerning place for both OP and her partner

Janedoelondon · 12/11/2023 21:53

I have self harmed off and on for years. My last episode was February. It doesn't need to escalate and it can get better. I have amazing care. I also have a BPD diagnosis, though an unarguably high functioning. There are different 'ranges' of the illness and I have been able to hold down a marriage for 7 years and been in the same job for 8.

It isn't the same for everyone.

Pumpkinprince55 · 12/11/2023 22:07

He said he did have therapy before and might have to look at it again. He seemed very embarrassed about it all.
I wouldn’t have thought this because he seems so confident and “together” all the time. Thank you, I appreciate feedback because I know as good as nothing about this

OP posts:
pinguins · 12/11/2023 23:13

Pumpkinprince55 · 12/11/2023 22:07

He said he did have therapy before and might have to look at it again. He seemed very embarrassed about it all.
I wouldn’t have thought this because he seems so confident and “together” all the time. Thank you, I appreciate feedback because I know as good as nothing about this

Trigger warning: This post might be upsetting to some people with BPD or EUPD because it describes causes and patterns of behaviour that some people don't like to think about. No judgement is attached or implied.

He doesn't just need any old therapy or counselling, that's basically useless to him as it will either validate his world view and not help him, or invalidate it and make him hurt himself more. He specifically needs dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) from a trained practitioner for a course of a minimum of 12 weeks and he needs to attend every session and do the homework.

BPD is one of the most treatable diagnoses, if the person engages with help and can access DBT and works through it fully. Otherwise they will be stuck in the same patterns of self-sabotage over and over. The problem is, he will not see the need to change while he is with you, and when he has completed his DBT, the face you see might not be the face he is showing you now, you might have to learn who he is all over again from scratch.

Literally everything about him might be different, including his likes, dislikes, feelings about things, all of it, because they might have stabilised. That's the fundamental thing about having an unstable sense of self.

People with untreated BPD aren't all the same but their behaviour is very predictable (predictably unpredictable in fact)...

Seeming embarrassed about his diagnosis is a form of manipulation to make himself out to be a helpless sweetheart who you stick with before he shows another side when he feels differently and knows he can depend on you sticking around. A lot of people with BPD have had extremely traumatic childhoods where their trusted adults invalidated their feelings and where they were habitually not believed about anything. They tend to trust their own version of events and own thoughts and feelings even when overwhelming evidence proves they're wrong. Their coping mechanisms are derived from this. A very good description of the struggle is "go away/don't leave".

Here are some of the coping mechanisms you might have noticed (you have to understand, none of these are conscious decisions to act like this, it's not on purpose, they are innate):

Playing helpless/sweet/lovable when they're scared you won't like them.

Initiating sex and focusing excessively on you to be of value to you.

Being excessively generous and kind to people to try and be liked/of value.

Not being able to cope with alternative points of view to their own, especially if they feel invalidated/disbelieved, they are likely to feel personally attacked by different points of view.

Liking everything you like (what a coincidence!) to be likeable.

Impulsive behaviours (for some it's self harm, others, substance abuse or exploiting themselves in the sex trade, or losing it and shouting at people for low provocations then rewriting what happened later to save face).

Pushing you away over a perceived slight then going overboard contacting you repeatedly, potentially with threats to end it all or hurt themselves (but not necessarily), because they've only pushed you away on the assumption they can count on you to not leave, and now they've done it they're scared you might really abandon them.

These are some of the vast range of potentially problematic things they do that he needs to work on before he can be in a relationship. And all of it feels like real feelings to them at the time. They can make excuse after excuse about why they smashed up your house in a fit of pique because they have completely justified it to themselves based on their world view. There's a lot of overlap with other Cluster B personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder.

And they tend to have no idea at all how exhausting it is for other people to be around them, and take people for granted, and minimise what they did after the fact. A close friend with BPD once said it's like having fragments of every other mental illness all slammed together inside her and different ones pop up at different times.

Note, all of this manifests slightly differently in every different person, not all people with BPD do all of these things, and it completely changes when the person is treated properly with DBT. But they often need a strong reason to go and get treated, and it's a disorder where not many sufferers have insight into the problem or the impetus to fix it.

If you were in a long term committed relationship I'd have different advice but you barely know this guy which is why I think you're opening yourself up to a world of high-octane drama and eggshells if you get involved with him right now.

You need to see all of it with your eyes open, but also, if you are going to stay with him, not judge or blame him for it (but also have really, really strong boundaries because he will test all of them to make sure they're really what you say they are, so he knows he can count on you).

You need to be a very sorted person yourself for this to even remotely work because he is looking for an anchor.

Pumpkinprince55 · 13/11/2023 08:12

😔
Thank you

OP posts:
Carlaca · 13/11/2023 11:07

Two of my closest friends have bpd diagnoses and they are amazing people. Both engaged in therapy, one of them still is because she struggles more than the second friend. Both are open about their struggles and I have never witnessed or experienced the horrendous behaviour that is often associated with bpd.
Obviously we don’t know how stable/ unstable he is, and he could ne worse than my friends.
You don’t need to give up on him but I’d be wary if he didn’t want to seek help.

Messup · 13/11/2023 14:44

He waited 5 month to tell you to make sure that you were emotionally invested. Let me guess: you are feeling guilty now for questioning the relationship?

coffeeisthebest · 13/11/2023 15:01

I would feel uneasy about someone letting me know they get very angry but it isn't my fault. I would be wondering at what point will it become my fault, because it definitely will. Also is it often other people's fault while he is innocent and victimised? I would tread carefully too. His capacity to regulate his own emotions sounds erratic and that can be a hard path to walk. I am not taking away from how difficult his life must be, but it is your choice if you remain in it.

asquideatingdough · 13/11/2023 16:30

If you're asking whether you should stay with him then the answer is no. He needs professional help and you cannot give that to him. Everything may seem manageable now but it will worsen or become cyclical. My ex had mental health issues stemming from a traumatic childhood and I thought I could support him and give him what he needed to heal. I couldn't, only the person themselves can. At 5 months in you can simply say you are not what he needs and you don't want to get further involved. You may well feel guilty for doing so but there's no shame in sparing yourself.

AgentJohnson · 13/11/2023 17:38

He said he did have therapy before and might have to look at it again.

Might is not good enough!

His embarrassment means nothing if he doesn’t take steps to engage in treatment.

As nice as he is, his mental health is his to manage and if he won’t, you need to move on.

Pumpkinprince55 · 13/11/2023 19:55

Of course I feel guilty and also sad, and this is not a conversation I’m looking forward to. Who wouldn’t though

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/11/2023 21:03

Whilst I always seem to end up with men with MH issues 🙄..

even I would run a mile from this
he’s got such issues and he needs proper mental support
not a caring girlfriend

BelindaOkra · 13/11/2023 21:51

There are some really good books and podcasts about BPD. This is a good book Talking About BPD: A Stigma-Free... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1787758257?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share and I like the BPD bunch podcasts on YouTube

As others have said DBT can be a game changer.

i know a few people with BPD. Some have chaotic lives that can be damaging to those around them whilst others are very vulnerable and damaging largely to themselves.

If he has a BPD diagnosis then he would be wise to seek access to DBT. It’s a commitment - needs a lot of time, but does show commitment to managing the condition.

Grisgris9 · 13/11/2023 22:34

What a depressing thread and stark reminder to never share your mh issues.

Superdupersomeone · 13/11/2023 23:49

I was recently seeing a guy with BPD. He was also super good looking, intelligent, caring, creative, empathic etc. The chemistry was amazing, he totally swept me off my feet. He was so charming and affectionate, he said and did all the right things and I fell for him big time.

Then the push/pull started, he would be distant, insult me and tell me I was needy. He went from looking at me adoringly, to looking at me like he hated me and then like he didn't even know me. Then it was as if something just snapped in him and he discarded me like I was nothing.

This is just my experience, I kept an open mind when he told me about his condition but things got hard pretty fast. I also cannot remember the last time I felt so strongly for someone either so I'm still paying for it now.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/11/2023 08:11

Grisgris9

to be fair most of us Have mental health issues to a degree

I certainly have some issues and I’m having therapy and I take meds
and I’m currently not dating as I think on a base level I know I’m not ready /strong enough

My concern with this fella is he’s got some issues and doesn’t appear to be adressing them
so that’s a risk for OP if she becomes his SO

Grisgris9 · 14/11/2023 23:08

@Thisisworsethananticpated I don’t disagree that therapy and medication are required here. But we just know a fraction of what happened and people are urging the OP to break things off immediately. For all we know the chap opened up to her and will be dumped for it without any compromise or discussion.

StephanieLampshade · 14/11/2023 23:15

There can be a lot of variation in how BPD presents.

Staying sober, having a strong self care regime and trusted people to confide and support with emotional regulation can go a long way.

Fundamentally it's terror and anger at the prospect of abandonment. So knowing he does have this diagnosis you need to be mindful of this if you are ending the relationship.

Rather than the diagnosis focus on how he behaves.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 14/11/2023 23:45

As per usual I can only contribute my own experiences OP, but it’s difficult. Also I stupidly read the reply with a trigger warning and I’m now pretty low :/ it displayed really quite a lot of assuming what’s in others’ heads and stigmatising.

  1. to be a man diagnosed with BPD it must have presented pretty strongly because it’s so much more frequently diagnosed in women.

  2. even him telling you about the diagnosis and having got it in the first place displays a lot of trust and commitment to change, because it’s SO stigmatised. It’s sort of a dustbin diagnosis and translates as “we don’t know what to do with you” so telling you he’s been diagnosed with it is actually a positive sign.

  3. people often make blanket assumptions about those with BPD and I’ve seen quite a few of them on the thread. I’ve been diagnosed with it on an admission to general hospital after a serious suicide attempt but was subsequently re-diagnosed with PTSD and autism (and a shitload of other stuff) and had five psychiatrists tell me categorically that I don’t display the symptoms of BPD necessary to diagnose. It’s so stigmatised I still feel cautious even talking about it here though.

  4. He’s not necessarily pretending to be embarrassed or whatever. I’ve been self-harming since I was eight and as it was generally completely ignored and nobody gave a shit about it in my family I started believing it was invisible and would walk about with bare arms and legs getting deeper and deeper into it every day. I was 26 before a boyfriend expressed concern to me and he had his own scars which upset me enough that I could sort of extrapolate to me believing that actually the whole thing wasn’t something that didn’t hurt anyone else. I’m not sure what this point goes to but maybe it’s just that it’s possible to self-harm to get through each day and it’s not an attempt to manipulate.

  5. agree with pp that the fear of abandonment is going to be huge.