Borderline self harm

[Pumpkinprince55]

I’m a bit conflicted and thought I’d ask for some objective perspective.

Met a lovely man 5 months ago and we’ve been really good. I can’t remember the last time I have felt so strongly about someone which sounds a bit embarrassing. He’s ridiculously good looking, intelligent, creative and genuinely lovely and empathetic.

He admitted that he can get into moods and I have experienced some of this, although he has always reassured me that it wasn’t because of me and I believe that.

He was different when I met him at the weekend and I felt unnerved for the whole evening because I thought that something was wrong between us. Turns out that it wasn’t, but that he hadn’t been feeling well and had hurt himself and that he was ashamed and worried about telling me.

I don’t really know what to do about this if I’m honest. I have seen some self harm cuts before but those had been shallow, and these ones were very different and so deep and needed a gauze, ideally even stitches. I have never done anything like this, so I have no idea how serious this really is. The cuts were not at the wrist/ lower arm area.

I just don’t know what to do now. Apparently he was given a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder a long time ago but he sometimes does this when things get bad, but surely this can’t be a solution?

Thank you. We did talk and he said that he wants to get help. He did try DBT before but, by his own admission, “blew it spectacularly” after a few sessions and felt that he had missed his chance. I said that I’m happy to support him with this where I can from the side lines but I obviously can’t fight this battle for him.

None of my business but DBT is mainly about learning coping skills (at GREAT) length - how do you blow it without giving up or doing something really quite egregious? It’s not like “normal”therapy where you can fail to engage, be dishonest etc.

He said that it was a group therapy setting and that he really messed it up by missing some appointments early on, and that he was also a bad influence on others. He admitted that it had been his own fault though.
Is this different to your experience or unrealistic?

Is this making no sense and unrealistic? The last response has me rattled

Ds (21) has currently been waiting 23 months for DBT on the NHS.

Yes, I feel this way too.

It's so hard isn't it. I always think that managing the whole DBT course needs a whole bunch of the skills they are going to teach before even starting. It feels like catch-22. Especially if someone has substance abuse problems etc.

It makes sense to me.

A very close friend 'messed up' with DBT by missing three sessions due to a very significant crisis. Friend was absolutely in no fit state to attend at the time. Services took this as 'failed to attend'/ 'would not engage' when actually at the time it wasn't a wouldn't it was a couldn't.

I also think it may be harder for men as they may be the only male in the group.

Oh god I hope he gets a chance soon 😟

He can buy the DBT workbook, practice mindfulness and the other skills.

He shouldn't be waiting on the course.

Question 1: what are the key problems this is causing him

Question 2: what three things could he change tomorrow that could help (could be as simple as stop alcohol, stop caffeine, one hour in gymn per day).

Questiin 3: will he make change

Just to add to the above that romantic relationships are probably the biggest trigger for someone with BPD...so to start one without strategies in place shows a lack of commitment to healing

He said that’s what happened to him and that it had been his own fault,
but that he felt that he had blown his chance because he was now back listed considering the constant demand.
Thank you I had wondered there if this was nonsense

It’s so tricky. My friend should be getting another chance. I think there is much more chance of being able to sustain it this time as things are a lot more stable & friend has far more insight . At the moment anyway but of course that may change by the time the course starts. It does feel a bit catch 22.

She absolutely should and I hope she gets the chance

He got himself into A&E now. Maybe I really can’t do this :(

At least this time he has sought treatment, presumably as a result of cutting? This was advised upthread, I think. So that's good. But it doesn't mean you need be involved.

There is also a Mental Health board, BTW.
(And I hate to say it, but I have read on some threads there over the years that self-harmers have sometimes been berated by health care professionals in A and E for wasting NHS time and resources I'm afraid stigma is still widespread, though marginally improved from what it was. )

Some posters are being very optimistic about the prognosis here. Dbt deals with symptom management. Okay fine …... let me tell you now you need to get out of this relationship and stop pursuing it. It’s tragic yes but you need to protect yourself. Therapy for full recovery takes a very, very, very long time - that’s all you need to know. You need to escape before you become too invested to leave. These are deeply wounded people and it’s definitely not healthy to pursue an intimate relationship with them due to the nature of their patterns of behaviour.

Leave him alone permanently.

Ah thank you. I probably did post this in the wrong forum. I’ll see if I can get it moved.
He didn’t cut himself as badly as last time but apparently felt hopeless and went in. I guess it’s “good“ but it makes me feel so sad. He did it the night before his birthday of all times.
Yeah I’m not sure if I can do this

A new relationship shouldn't feel like a test of endurance.

As I think I said upthread it's not the diagnosis that's the red flag, it's the behaviour.

Two instances of self cutting in an adult in a one month period with no obvious triggers (ie bereavement or relationship ending) is a clear indicator of someone unable to manage their emotions or make good decisions.

A good relationship can help people with BPD make big steps forward in trust and self esteem but this guy is not at the stage where this is what he needs. He is very traumatised and unable to give you a stable relationship.