I’ve been told i’m aggressive but I don’t realise. Feel hopeless and unhappy with my life

[Elll]

I was told by someone I know well (not family) that I came across aggressive in a discussion with them. From my perspective I felt passionate about my point of view on a situation but didn’t feel angry.

A few other things were said by the same person which I felt painted me in a negative light however it must have been truthful as I trust this person is genuinely nice person with a good judge of character. Now feel like I don’t know myself and don’t realise how horrible I actually am.

Since this event i’ve just been an emotional, sensitive mess and can’t shift the feeling of hopelessness and sadness. I hate the person people see me as and feel totally misunderstood and isolated (have felt this most of my life to be honest).

The hard thing to get my head around is nothing can actually help me as this IS me.

Could you ask your friends for an honest opinion about how you come across? TBH, I think I can be a bit spikey at times when I’m passionate about a subject or exhausted.

Are they male perchance?

They do like to perceive passion as aggression in women I find.

People think I'm being aggressive when I'm just autistic and a bit blunt now and again.
Or I think my partner is when, again, she is autistic and her tone of voice is a bit difficult for her to notice.

You know if you're actually being aggressive. And if you're not, and someone thinks you are, and you both trust each other you can explore what might be going on.

I think men sometimes characterise women as aggressive when they expect us to back down and we don’t. I have a colleague who experiences this quite a lot. She’s assertive but never aggressive. Quite a few of our male colleagues find her ‘difficult’. However, she’s very senior, very experienced, and almost always right.

What you must remember is that when women speak their minds they are often seen as aggressive. We are not held to the same standards as men.

Take it as a complement. I always did.

I don't think that is smart. I can think of plenty of women who are aggressive in conversation, and it just makes them assholes to avoid, not feminist warriors.

OP speak to a few people you trust absolutely, and ask what they think. Maybe the person who said it to you just doesn't agree with you and knew they couldn't prove your position wrong and spoke in frustration. But I have had to take on board that sometimes it doesn't matter who is right - needing to prove my point can come across as dismissive or aggressive to someone who is secure in their belief but either isn't adept at arguing their position, or simply can't be arsed to. So now I am better at recognising when to back off, or change the subject, or agree to disagree.

The point is that women aren't aggressive when they are called aggressive.

They are just normal. With an opinion of their own. We shouldn't have to call round all our friends asking how they feel about our words. We should just own our words, and our opinions.

Same, but I also think it‘s used as an excuse to shut me down by some.

I was told by someone I know well (not family) that I came across aggressive in a discussion with them. From my perspective I felt passionate about my point of view on a situation but didn’t feel angry

I'm a great one for asking people to define their terms, so I'd be asking what about me they found aggressive. IME comments like 'you sound angry' and 'you're aggressive' are designed to shut you up and stop you talking. As a woman, generally.

You believe a woman cannot be aggressive?

You have genuinely never heard a woman speaking aggressively?

OP I sympathise greatly with this.

In the last few years I have found myself becoming increasingly isolated from my friends family etc becasue of views I hold on for eg gender ideology.

I feel strongly about it and my sister told me recently that I am "like a dog with a bone" when I get only a topic that I'm passionate about and she says that she finds it hard to argue against me, can't be bothered and so would rather just close the conversation down.

That is her right not to engage with me. I would never force a discussion with someone that I care about but it also leaves me in this horrible lonely space where I can't share my worries concerns thoughts or opinions about things in the world that worry me because I make the people around me feel uncomfortable when I do that, so I have to say nothing which makes me feel even more isolated, and keeps my relationships with my loved ones in a kind of sanitised superficial state.

Ive had this myself in the past.
Im a small woman who had a job with authority and any time I was assertive, it was taken as aggressive. Its just a misogynist thing, women are supposed to be all meek and quiet.
Ive always been quite proud of my ability to stand up for myself and so should you.
Just ignore the idiots.

The thing is that it's not usually fun to spend time with someone who is arguing aggressively/ranting at you. I've done it myself (and probably still do occasionally, but I'm better at controlling myself now). I have friends who enjoy aggressive (or "assertive") arguing and it does reduce my pleasure in their company.

Of course it may be that your nice friend can't bear any form of disagreement and has overreacted rather. But it's worth reflecting on how you come across.

This has happened to me recently too. Mine is in a professional capacity - something I take very seriously. I have been shocked and upset just like you. In time I've come to see it as the initial complainer having issues - I so stand by what I said and how I said it. I now begin to realise my boss was perhaps making it a lesson for me. They want me to stop talking about things I disagree with and labelling me in this way will shut me up. It's worked because I refuse to get this horrific about myself again. My saviour was repeating the conversation to friends and family and asking for honest feedback - all of whom said they didn't understand the issues 🤷‍♀️
I don't have one of those smooth silky voices and I would love to speak softer and gentler but it's not my voice.
I fully understand why you feel the way you do but don't let it shape you. There's a reason they told you you're aggressive - they have gained something by saying it to you. Putting you in your place or passing on the bad feeling that comes with an insult. It's tricky but try to rise above it and decide whether you want it to be a learning point or not

I think it's equally possible that the friend cares about the OP and has given her some honest feedback, rather than just quietly stepping back from the friendship.

Of course, I'm relying on the OP's description of the friend as a genuinely nice person here. There certainly are people who would say something like this just to put someone down.

Hmmm I disagree that it’s a way to shut women down. Sometimes, sure, but definitely not always.

I have a ‘friend’ who is extremely aggressive in her manner, conversations and opinions. It’s incredibly draining and I - and others - purposefully limit contact as a result. If our kids weren’t friends I would cut her out.

It’s a shame as she has some good qualities but her aggressive approach to almost everything that happens / is said is just untenable for me to be around. I doubt she has the self awareness to ask about this and genuinely make changes but I wish she would, it’s horrible for her kids as well.

OP, if you were a horrible person I doubt very much that you'd have been so hurt by your friend.

I don't know how you come across but that's subjective anyway. I had a similar "crisis" some years ago, as a result of being ghosted by a couple of people I thought were friends. That, together with occasional comments made to me by various people over the years, led me to believe I truly must be unlikeable.

Since then I've come to realise that, while I have to accept that perhaps I have been difficult, too emphatic etc at times, it's also true that my feelings have often not been taken into account by others, in fact I've sometimes been treated atrociously by outwardly "nice" people.

Your feelings are important too, and this friend has upset you. You say that you've felt isolated and misunderstood your whole life. Have you considered that you might be neurodivergent? PP have mentioned their autism and, though I'm not diagnosed, I've come to the conclusion in recent years that I'm very likely autistic. I know it's often used as a go-to explanation these days, but it's sometimes the right one. I know from people close to me that how I come across is often nothing like how I intend: apparently I seem like a very confident, "take no prisoners" type, whereas inside I feel like a complete jelly and find life very difficult.

I hope you find a way through your upset.

Of course a woman can be aggressive.

The point again is that often people call women aggressive when they are just saying normal things.

Are they really a friend? Might they have an alternative agenda in making you doubt yourself? It is not impossible that is how they might perceive you , but others may feel differently. There can be a fine line between aggression and assertiveness, in what you are saying, how you say it and body language, which can vary according to circumstances.

I trust this person is genuinely nice person with a good judge of character

OK if you genuinely believe that, will they define their terms and factually say what it was? I spend a good proportion of my life dealing with complaints that someone was 'aggressive/threatening/abusive'. I'd say about 80% of the time they weren't. When you ask people to say exactly what it was that led them to believe the other person was aggressive, it turns out assertive is what they actually were.

Knowing whether it was the tone, or the words, or the body language will help. It will also help with your feelings to bring light to it, work through it and do an honest self-assessment. Guilt is useless. Real change comes from facing things.

This a weird thread. I am not sure if posters don’t believe men or women can be aggressive or if they think that behaviour that is called aggressive in men should not be called aggressive in women or if they don’t believe women can be aggressive. But the reality is both men and women can be aggressive and the same behaviours that are called aggressive in men (raising their voice, throwing an object down on a table, crossing arms or angry gestures, angry facial expression, name calling, refusing to listen and talking over someone, coercion or manipulation, getting in someone’s personal space, expression of anger, etc) are all also aggression in women.

Many times people especially women are called aggressive when they are being assertive- that's well known

Yes women can be aggressive - but in this case the OP reports that she wasn't feeling aggressive - so she was not being aggressive , just seen as aggressive

Since the OP knows she wasn't feeling aggressive or angry then other people are misinterpreting her behaviour as aggression

It may be that she has a way of expressing herself that is unusual but it's more likely that she just straightforward and so people incorrectly see that as aggressive - especially as they have been trained to see assertive knowledgable or blunt women as aggressive

Op clearly your friend isn't as good a judge of character as you give her credit for

(raising their voice, throwing an object down on a table, crossing arms or angry gestures, angry facial expression, name calling, refusing to listen and talking over someone, coercion or manipulation, getting in someone’s personal space, expression of anger, etc)

These all do sound like aggressive behaviours for both men and women. The issue is that sometimes the following can get added to the list for women and labelled aggressive

Having an opnion, not agreeing with someone, being decisive etc

Sorry sailtofsoup I missed the bit where the op said she was hitting the table and shouting

?

Op don't forget you can separate particular behaviour and you as a person. You could learn to moderate such behaviour if it were an issue(although not sure it is from what you described).