To ask if anyone else feels like this?

[Stillandquiet]

I hate everything and everyone.
they don’t know it, I grew up in a really dangerously volatile home so I can act like no one else on this planet to keep people happy/ make them like me.
I hate the people at my uni. All of them, but especially the tutors. I consider ending my life most mornings that I’m forced to attend. My mask slipped the other day and I admitted I didn’t want to be there And went home early. I don’t know what they think about it, no one said anything. I might not go back. I could pass the course tomorrow , it’s not challenging but the peopling is intense and that’s what I hate.
I hate my husband now, I hate the fact that I have to give him my bedroom to sleep in if I want to watch a movie in the lounge because the house is too small so he sleeps in there. I preferred it when I had the sitting room but somehow I get sent upstairs each night instead now.
I hate the feeling I get when they’re due home each evening and the subsequent noise and mess and shit that men and kids create. I hate cooking. I’ve just abandoned another meal halfway through because it’s not going well and I didn’t want it anyway. I throw almost everything away that needs cooking eventually. Lamb and potatoes gets binned half cooked , I eat bread and butter instead, far too often.
I hate my self, my appearance the insipid way I dress and the lack of any style or identity. I last spoke to my last friend several years ago , I went on a ghosting mission around the time my son was born and just blocked everyone. I can’t remember why. I’m in tears now because I’ve failed to cook a meal again and I have to go to uni tomorrow and I can’t fail but I feel like I’ve reached the limits of this bullshit again.
why is it so hard?

You sound depressed. Please talk to your GP, this isn't a normal way to feel.

You potentially have unresolved emotional issues due to this grew up in a really dangerously volatile home - this can have major impacts on emotional development.

Start reading about it, get counselling (uni will have a service you can access), consider going to the GP and stop blaming other people and external things.

Try to accept where you are and think about what tiny thing you do want to do for yourself.

It is possible to turn this sort of situation around.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, call the Samaritans or your GP.

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

@MidnightOnceMore thanks. I’ve done all this and I’ve taken antidepressants for years. I think I just hate this course so much it’s nothing like they said it would be, I had such good undergrad scores I could have chosen something so much better. I would never dream of using the uni counsellors, I can’t speak to people in that way. I get so much shit from the tutors though about not showing up to things but it’s so difficult and the stuffs pointless too. I’m not there to make friends or network I just need the certificate . I’m stupid to have accepted it without realising how it would be. I also used to be an amazing cook but I just can’t stand doing it now, I can’t even manage the basics without fucking it up so I need to stop doing it for a bit until I can focus again. Dc eat at childminders anyway and Dh and I don’t eat together or speak to each other so I’m not sure why I was even trying tbh. I don’t think I’ve made smart decisions in my life, this man, this home , the course, none of it was what I really wanted. I had happy years , I had a lot of happy years after I left home at 15 till I was about 30 and settled down and then I’ve been sad ever since.

I hope you find your way through @Stillandquiet