Were you neglected as a child, emotionally?

[ChildhoodNeglect]

Hello,

I’ve name changed for this.

My mother was emotionally and physically neglected as a child and abandoned by her mother. Eventually she spent some time with her mum in her late teens before getting married.

I was emotionally neglected as a child. My mum said to me she was never shown love so did not know how to show us love, I was lucky to have a loving Grandmother who died when I was 14.

My father was an alcoholic but would say he loves us.

Dad died in his 40s they had me as teens so I was in my 20s when he died.

I was pretty much expected to be a ‘grown-up’ from the age of 10. I was left at home for hours on end. I re-call just trying to to talk to anyone who came to the door. Mum and Dad would be at work.

We had food, clothing, trips to theme parks. Visits to families. However my life and existence was more functional than fun, although 10000% better than my mum’s upbringing.

Today I have a lot of anxiety, depression, phobias, eating disorder, auto immune diseases etc the list goes on.

I guess I’m speaking to those who were also emotionally neglected as a child, what therapy or tools have you used?

Thanks for sharing @bumblebee46746 I can understand. The frustration of knowing what you could have achieved/been capable of if you had the nurturing growing up. To have that self belief and confidence. We know that no parenting is perfect but as I’ve got older and spoken to people
about their childhoods I can see why I, my brother are the way we are.

I too like you am trying to make a difference for my kids. It’s great you’re having therapy, bit by bit we heal. 💐

Old thread but of course auto immune diseases are caused by psychological issues. I have two friends with fibromyalgia and other issues and both have had horribly abusive childhoods. It’s very common.

Not in the same league as your childhood op, but my mum was never affectionate, never told me she loved me or that I looked nice, even on my wedding day, but she was the same with my siblings, it's just who she is so I have accepted it. I felt unwanted as a child and it has definitely affected my confidence and self esteem. She had a tough childhood and a difficult life, widowed young, far more children than she could afford to feed, I think she did the best she could with what little she had. It was never enough, but it is what it is and I love her very much. I tell my dc I love them all the time so hopefully I have broken the cycle.

Thank you for starting this thread. It is soothing, reading about everyone else’s neglectful childhoods. Makes me realise I’m not alone.

Special hug to @2024815pm You’ve been through much. I recognise those feelings of “what about me?” and “Hey look at me” .

Same as many of you. Mother was emotionally and physically neglected as a child and abandoned me by leaving me alone to look after baby brother. My father is an alcoholic. Never knew what version of dad I would get.

Parents not from this country - kind of social refugees. Big and toxic extended family. Like many of you, I have autoimmune problems which I think are connected to too much stress from a v early age.

Mum died in her 40s prob related stress illness. They had me too young & expected me to be the adult. I was also left at home for hours on end and instructed not to answer the door to anyone.

I have a lot of anxiety, disordered eating, continuous relationship problems. I am autistic but this could also be trauma. There’s a transgenerational link.

I have overcompensated with my dcs. Amazingly they are very well adjusted and clever kids but I married someone “in the know” so at least their father is stable.

You ask about tools: I too studied psychology and have been in therapy for about 10 years. I found self-compassion to help, and learning to parent myself in the way I didn’t receive. It helps that I am now with the bf I had as a teenager. Not only did he know my parents and knows my background but he too experienced absent & neglectful parents, so we kind of parent each other as well. That can be nurturing.

It’s not fair, is it? I feel every day is relentless.I can’t work properly and often am just surviving. Yet to outsiders - well they tell me I’m pretty, I’m successful, I am goal-driven, clever, blah blah. The problem is that the wounds get in the way.

Soothing hugs & stuff to us all.

Oh bloody hell, this thread is from October. 😤

I'm in tears reading this but I hope the book recommendations help put me on a better path. Thank you x

Also following. Emotional neglect from both parents who were also neglected by theirs. No hugs, word of encouragement. Corporal punishment happened. Additional abuse by somebody in power.
Suffered from depression all my life, not formed lasting romantic relationships longer than 6 months, these confuse me. Needless to say not married, no kids, no plans to do so at 45.
I feel like I lost something that I don't know how to grieve for.

YY I have very low self worth as a result of childhood abuse. Really really struggling with raising my own kids, especially my daughter as don't want history repeating itself as I was also sexually abused. The trauma is still with me all these years later.

my life and existence was more functional than fun - a very telling and apt phrase, and about sums up my childhood. I think that this veneer of normality was actually quite burdensome. There was an unspoken rule that we would preserve that veneer.

My parents did not show love basically - no hugs, no praise - and they were locked in a bit of a battle of their own which consumed a great deal of their emotional energy. At no point did either say they loved me. It was simply not on the agenda - this does not of course mean that they did not love me - but how would I have known?

The result is that I have lived my life with poor self-esteem and a sense of unworthiness - on the surface I am confident and fun, but underneath I always have the feeling that I do not deserve the praise that I now receive - it is not something I can compute.

Interestingly my parents were good grandparents and lavished hugs and praise on their GC, for which I am thankful.

Mischance YY too much has happened to me in early childhood and adolescent for me to explain on here. I am estranged from my DF and he has only met my DC once or twice (they are now in their 20s). I had no love only neglect and abuse.

I am really really struggling with the next stage of mine and their lives and don't know how to move on from this

Hi everyone,

I posted on this thread when it first started but haven’t been back recently. Just wanted to share that I listened to a really interesting podcast last night, part of a series called We Can Do Hard Things, and the episode is called Healing From Emotionally Immature Parents with Lindsay C. Gibson.

I’ve listened to it again this morning so I could make notes on it and every word could be describing my childhood. It really really resonated with me, and I thought some of you might find it helpful too.

💐🙏🏼

OMGTTC thank you for the recommendation

Yes, but I think it was just the time I was in. (late 70s-early 80s as a primary kid). I did see others who had more supportive mums and I felt sad I didn't have that. I had a few family events happen which were quite devastating and we (sibling and I) were expected to sweep under the carpet and never discuss again, but at night I often cried under the covers by myself.

My mum would also gossip about us loudly to her friends in person or on the phone, there seemed to be a fashion at the time of moaning about the kids or sharing their embarrassing stories as a source of amusement rather than celebrating them or respecting privacy about minor ups and downs. My parents did feed/clothe/keep us clean/take us on holidays, we were an average type of household, nothing fancy but not poor, and I think my parents thought that did the job. They didn't really recognise that parenting is providing emotional support too. Oddly though, my mum was keen to show support or sympathy to other people's kids.

I was emotionally abused. I had twelve counsellors/therapists over ten years, or the other way round (one of my therapies was hypnotherapy to remove my memories - very effective, I can't remember anything useful!). In amongst that I had five months of weekly one-to-one sessions talking about my mother. That helped. It really helped. If you can find that kind of intense therapy, it might be good.

My father is 100% emotionally unavailable to everyone and my mother was engulfing and emotionally abusive. My mother is the product of many generations of trauma. I know less about my father but I suspect there are horrid things lurking somewhere. Because I was fed, clothed, housed, educated etc to a good standard and because my mother said she loved me I believed for years that I was loved and cared about. Although it took me until my mid 40s to realise something was very wrong with my upbringing and with my own life/reactions I did have deep misgivings about having children because I did not think I would be capable of nurturing them or, in particular, shielding them from my mother. So although I wanted them, I didn't dare to have any. I've been doing psychodynamic therapy with a trauma informed therapist for the past 18 months or so. I am starting to feel the benefits but it is slow, hard work. I suspect I have CPTSD but have not sought a diagnosis.

There is actually quite a body of evidence that the 2 are related.

I had quite a lot of counselling to get me to a point I could have accessed all along: realising that there was nothing wrong with me, and I didn't need to spend my time 'working on myself'.

You're fine as you are, OP. You've recognised what your children need, and you're providing it for them, so, if 'passing it on' is your main concern, you're not doing it.

Yes but it was the 80s and pretty sure now that my mum has ASD and finds being emotional in any way, physical or even asking about emotions, just very alien. Her mum died when I was born too and looking back I think she connects the two somehow and resents me or entered into long term postnatal depression and just lost her ability to feel around that time.