Were you neglected as a child, emotionally?

[ChildhoodNeglect]

Hello,

I’ve name changed for this.

My mother was emotionally and physically neglected as a child and abandoned by her mother. Eventually she spent some time with her mum in her late teens before getting married.

I was emotionally neglected as a child. My mum said to me she was never shown love so did not know how to show us love, I was lucky to have a loving Grandmother who died when I was 14.

My father was an alcoholic but would say he loves us.

Dad died in his 40s they had me as teens so I was in my 20s when he died.

I was pretty much expected to be a ‘grown-up’ from the age of 10. I was left at home for hours on end. I re-call just trying to to talk to anyone who came to the door. Mum and Dad would be at work.

We had food, clothing, trips to theme parks. Visits to families. However my life and existence was more functional than fun, although 10000% better than my mum’s upbringing.

Today I have a lot of anxiety, depression, phobias, eating disorder, auto immune diseases etc the list goes on.

I guess I’m speaking to those who were also emotionally neglected as a child, what therapy or tools have you used?

I experienced a lot of childhood trauma but my mum was warm, loving and nurturing. Sadly, I lost her too soon. I coped with my lot in life by reading psychology at uni, specialising in an area of it and spending thousands of pounds on therapy (therapeutic and alternative)- there's still a long way to go before I feel I can stop running.

@2024815pm You’re not ignored, I’m listening. And my heart is breaking for you. I’m so sorry that happened to you - have you had any counselling to help you process what happened?

@ChildhoodNeglect My mother had a shitty childhood. She gave me one too. I never understood why she would choose to do that but then give my sibling all of the love as the golden child.

After reading many books I realised she had an undiagnosed personality disorder. Many survivors of shitty childhoods are frightened to have children because of not knowing what great parenting looks like. After reading books and modelling behaviour on my friends mothers I was absolutely determined to have children but with the right man and was also determined I would not repeat the cycle. And I haven’t. Education was my way out of my situation as a young person, it led to a great career, success and choices. I thank God for my much loved paternal grandmother and the kind teachers who showed me kindness and encouraged me. Success was the thing that really irked my mother. It meant she had lost control over me. People with NPD tend to only mix with people they consider to be ‘lower’ in status so that they can appear to be ‘better’. My mother was frightened of other friends mothers who kept themselves and their houses well so she would label them as ‘vain’ or ‘houseproud’ when in reality they were just normal.

My own Daughter’s life couldn’t be more different to mine. She is confident, well loved and a truly happy person. She’s been encouraged to pursue things she loves and has the support to do them even if they are things that I don’t love. It’s about cherishing someone and putting them first and absolutely choosing a partner who can do this do. I loved my Dad but he was a weak man who kept quiet for an easier life. I have mixed emotions about this. As my daughter hit milestones I became quite angry as to why I had been treated so poorly and why you would do this to a child. My daughter knows there is nothing I wouldn’t do to protect her. Feeling safe is something I never experienced until I met DH. I make sure my daughter feels safe all of the time.

I think you need to look at the ‘stately homes’ thread for advice as a start. Survivors of childhoods where emotional neglect was present are often secretive and don’t like sharing feelings as trust is an issue. I felt empowered later in life not keeping my mother’s behaviour a secret. It’s a taboo subject really not being liked by your own mother and not liking her as a result. But it is her shame not yours. Once you open up to people you will be surprised how many have had a similar experience and also how much love there is to receive out there from people who do care about you. My main point is though, that you can be a successful parent after your childhood.

@2024815pm i’m sorry this happened to you. Maybe consider starting your own thread to unpack with others what happened to you? Generally people share on these sort of threads without expectation of a personal response. Please don’t take offence, we are all here to help and support each other.

@ChildhoodNeglect i’d also add that your own self awareness about your emotional availability and determination to do something about it is a great start. Being self aware is something that your own mother did not possess. Being open with your children about your own childhood is also something I found useful. Not in a pity party way, but so they understand that you are not angry with them. And saying sorry if you snap. I never once heard my mother say sorry.

In my husband's family you're not allowed to express negative emotions.

Children aren't allowed to cry, that's manipulative apparently, or even whinge complain or explain how they feel if it's not positive.

Even saying "No thank you" is wrong if it's something they "should be grateful for"

How they feel doesn't matter. Shut up, put up and plaster a smile on your face.

By about age 7 you have some really stoic self reliant children who never complain or ask for anything.

My husband is the only one of them who has a good relationship or is a decent parent or pet owner. And most of the latter two is because he runs a lot past me and if in doubt does the opposite of what his family would do.

(Very respectable, well off family)

@Breakingthechildhoodcycle your post resonates so much with me in terms of your parents’ dynamic.

My dad also did nothing to stop my mum behaving towards us as she did. I see him as also being a victim (survivor?) of her abusive behaviour and my anger around my upbringing is towards my mum mostly, whether that’s entirely fair or not.

My sister on the other hand has anger towards both of them (although she’s told me she doesn’t think about it so that on the surface she’s ‘fine’).

On reflection, he really did keep quiet for an easy life, and that’s hard to understand when he had small children in the house to parent. He told my sister once that his mum had done all of the emotional stuff when he was growing up, so he left it to our mum to do it for us - even though he knew she wasn’t capable of it. She was only ever concerned with her own emotions.

I wrote on the other thread about how I’ve realised I’ve been a shell of a person all these years and it’s only now at 30-ish that I’m even starting to work out who I am.

I feel some resentment that I still have to see her and pretend everything’s ok, because I can see her for what she is now and I don’t want her to hold back the work I’m doing on myself for mine and DH’s future.

Sorry, that was really long!

Sorry, there was going to be a point or a musing in there somewhere about whether patriarchy has a part to play in all this, re. mothers alone being expected to do the emotional work of raising children even if they aren’t capable of self-reflection, emotional intelligence, etc.

There’s a book on the mother wound by (I think?) Bethany Webster, who talks about the wound at a personal level and a societal level, but I’ve not read it all, so I don’t know how she brings all that together. If anyone’s read it, could you let us know?

Mother wound and inner child work are both really interesting.

💐 and 🫂 to all of you

As a mental health nurse I can attest to the fact that stress is linked to autoimmune conditions.

In my personal life, in times of great stress I have a flare up of my psoriasis. It is cause and effect. I have no control over it. Psoriasis is inflammation of the skin.

I've been doing SO much research into this lately and am really glad to see this thread - thanks for starting it OP!

What's fascinating is that we have mountains of evidence from the past 30 years showing that early development problems like attachment, abuse, neglect, have lifelong physical and mental health consequences. But we don't seem to understand that yet as a society.

You can have a look for "adverse childhood experiences" work, Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery", and Bessel van der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score" for more - but they're all VERY triggering and academic. Nadine Burke-Harris's book "The Deepest Well" is one of the easier and more compassionate reads covering the topic - she's also done some great YouTube videos too if you prefer those?

Overall, the research suggests there isn't a divide between physical and mental, because your brain is physically formed and your body is in constant contact with your brain.

All the stress and unpredictability in childhood make your brain develop differently. It can show up as "complex trauma" or CPTSD as an adult, which can look similar to neurodiversity, with a lot of self-loathing, a defensive mindset, and unfortunately lots of health issues.

The plus side is that if you work on your mental and physical stress with body work (like yoga for example) as well as trauma informed therapy, you can begin to tackle it - that's what I've been doing and it's helping so much.

Studying it all has helped me start to come to terms with my deeply weird and stressful childhood and messed up life overall. I have such a painful, damaging relationship with my mum who has mental health issues - who had truly awful experiences as a child herself. And now I feel more compassion and calmness for her and myself too, it's a strange time.

Thank you to those who have contributed. This is all so informative. I have that book sorry the Parents one and about children. Bizarrely I can see where my DH has been neglected too as a middle child of 4 kids but not the girl or the eldest or youngest boy. He has learned to distance himself from his parents and survive on his own.

Thank you for sharing your stories.

Many auto immune conditions are exacerbated by stress, and unresolved/upsetting emotions are a big source of stress.

I too have a psychology degree with a focus on child development.

I know why my parents sucked at parenting. Df's mother was an identical twin abandoned with wider family at birth whilst her minutes older sister was taken home by their mother. To say that caused a lot of issues would be an understatement. Dm's father died when she was 3, leaving my Gran juggling 3 young children, no money and family issues. She outsourced a lot of parenting to her own mother who hated immigrants (dm's dad) and girls so she could work. Add in a tendency towards postnatal mental health issues, an explosive marriage with alcohol issues (my df) and removal of support network because we had move every few years at the whims of the MoD and my childhood was best classed as "interesting".

My youngest is 5. By that age I'd helped my mum mop blood of lino after she'd almost killed my dad, apparently very lucky she missed an artery. They had another row the day he came put of hospital. By the time I was the same age as my oldest, I was the "adult", my mother's confidante about every violent row and fight and worse.

I have a diagnosis of pstd and one of the psychiatrists was interested in a link between adverse incidents in childhood and a predisposition to ptsd when faced with trauma in adulthood which was the final straw for me.

I feel sadness though tinged with anger that I wasn't enough for my parents to deal with their issues. I'm trying so hard for my kids...why couldn't they for me?

sending so much love to all of you

My childhood was very unstable but average, in fact I was always told: “You have no reason to cry/act out/complain. You're spoiled and have it so good - compared to your poor mum and compared to all the poor kids in the world who are REALLY suffering”.

I had to dig deep and work through the shame, feelings of worthlessness and anxiety. That’s why I got into trauma work and why I’m now a hypnotherapist.

What resonated from many posts is the fear of getting it wrong with my own kids and passing MH issues further down, like my mum did to me.

My mum had untreated MH problems stemming from childhood war trauma. She felt that I ‘rejected’ her when I was a baby and even though she could be loving, she was often harsh and controlling.

She was mentally unstable, and I often got the impression she doesn’t like ME. I felt she saw me as a somehow 'bad' human (compared to her) and as competition for dad. My dad was most interested in status and perfectionism so the functioning was important.

My parents were also busy arguing and rowing most days.

I was fully on my own from age 11 when my only brother was born. It was also accepted in our family that boys are more loved by their mums than girls. I just disconnected and did my own thing, started living my own life.

@2024815pm we’re not ignoring you, you’ve been through a lot and we’re here for you. So glad you’ve shared your traumatic childhood experience. As others have mentioned, why don't you start a thread so you can get the proper support you deserve

@2024815pm we’re not ignoring you, I think I started this thread for people to share what they’re doing with regard to handling childhood neglect and the impact it’s having on their parenting now.

I agree with PPs please do consider your own thread and people will hopefully be able to support you, what you went through is horrific and I’m so very sorry.

I think that book sorry I can’t keep remembering it but one big thing that resonated with me is the part about when you start switching off from your child when you were kind of left on your own, that was 10 for me for definite. I was close to my Grandmother and we moved away and I saw less of her, she was my one constant who did care for me and give me love. Dad through his drinking and mum through her inability/emotional distance couldn’t give me.

my mum can often just blank on me now; I think she struggles with the love I show my kids, not stopping me but I feel uncomfortable cos she does.

Is that in Philippa Perry, @ChildhoodNeglect? The bit about your child subconsciously reminding you of being that age and what happened to you at that time? It’s a really powerful book. There’s the story of the dad and son (Mark and Toby?) which I think describes what you’ve mentioned in your post.

I’ve ordered two books today on the back of this thread (so much reading to do!) - The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, and It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn.

There’s a 6-minute round-up online of The Body Keeps the Score, and that on its own is fascinating - it talks about people who made themselves small in childhood to stay safe (i.e. keep quiet but be vigilant, that kind of thing), find it hard to express their own vitality, and so they might have a difficult relationship with exercise. That’s certainly familiar to me!

Here’s the video in case anyone is interested -

Sorry, I totally forgot to say what the Mark Wolynn book is about - it’s about intergenerational trauma and how you might have physical symptoms of trauma handed down through generations, even by relations you’ve never met.

It makes sense in my family since we have a pattern of mothers and daughters having very difficult relationships, so I’m trying to read into the possibilities for ‘why’ a bit more.

🫂 and ☕️ to OP and everyone else on the thread

My mother had an awful childhood and was totally emotionally unavailable to me as a child and as an adult. My father had a very dysfunctional childhood and was very similar.
I was a very anxious, self-harming and confused child, I found forming relationships very difficult and I still find myself protecting myself much of the time.
I tried very hard with my DCs but probably failed them as well.

@NonMiDispiace you have not failed your kids!! The fact you have this awareness means you haven’t.

@OMGTTC yes the Perry book. I have the body keeps the score book.

im about to see a Shaman!! And do some ancestral ties work!!

Chronic emotional stress is the number one trigger of autoimmune disease.

Mental health is def linked to physical health. A recent meta analysis found exercise is as effective as medication for anxiety and depression. Deep breathing helps mh.
All auto immune diseases flare up under stress or after stress. Spots are hormonal and linked to stress.

Indeed it's why my mum had a plethora of autoimmune diseases as does her sister sadly.

Diabetes, thyroid issues, something I'm not sure of the name of but my Aunt has something where her eyes need regular checking due to this disease (not diabetes), an inflammatory disease

My mum had a mental illness. She was never cold and I am thankful for this but I couldn’t rely on her for things and she was very irrational at times . I survived but I remember feeling really relieved at about the age of 14 that she could no longer physically hurt me and that I had friends and study and could ‘escape’. She tried her best but I wouldn’t recommend my situation to any one.

I was emotionally, physically, mind games, spying. I don't think it's something you ever get over as such, you learn to deal with it I guess. Sometimes things trigger me. I've found alot of help with podcasts such as happy place and basically talking it through with husband. I don't go to therapy because I don't trust anyone. I'm still involved with my mum and step dad but hardly. They aren't people who own up to mistakes, you can't even have a civil conversation about anything at all because they know best. I don't really get on with them and have kept my own children very distanced from them. When I get triggered I sit and think about the reasons why, and accept it wasn't my fault but I can try to change my reactions for the sake of my husband and children. It's really hard, they shaped your life and you realised it's wrong. It's really challenging to break that. Sending hugs

Yes, emotionally neglected and physically abused (involving both parents). There was no safe space for me as a child to explore my emotions. To say I struggle is an understatement and I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD.

I have dc now, they are my prime concern. Bringing up dc has been a healing thing for me but extremely challenging at times.

I've never really had a proper career as such because although I am intellectually capable, my emotional responses and things like coping with stress levels has prohibited me - and now with the C-PTSD diagnosis everything seems more understandable.

Relationships have also been a challenge including friendships. I now have a few lovely friends in my life. I have very little extended family. I have huge abandonment issues which I'm now needing to enter therapy for. I have been married for several years but things have changed. As I've got older, I realise I want more connection and everything has been further confused by the perimenopause. I came to the conclusion, I didn't really know myself and I've set about trying to get more in touch with myself and my needs. I feel like my relationship with dh has become exhausting, it has been floundering for many years now - it is not a happy situation but not something I feel I can easily change.

Not sure what I'm trying to say exactly but the neglect aspect has caused major issues affecting most decisions in my life.