Help - Fear of death

[FeelingHopelessness]

Hi

I'm really struggling and don't know what to do.

I have terrible fear and anxiety about dying. I feel utterly awful. I'm not sure what has brought it on, but it started a few months ago and has gotten steadily worse, to the point where it has become totally overwhelmed and can't stop thinking about it.

I went through a phase like this as a child, when I first figured out what dying truly meant, but as I got older and busy with life, marriage, having children etc. it eased and almost totally went away.

Now it's back and worse than ever. I think it's a combination of middle age approaching (I'm almost 40), the fact that time seems to be whizzing by at a terrifying pace, deciding not to have any more children (my youngest has just started school), my parents getting older... etc.

I have registered for a local talking therapy referral program today and should have an appointment on Monday, because I can't continue to feel like this.

But honestly I don't believe anything can really make me feel better. I feel overwhelmed and trapped. The inevitability and finality of death is just a horrifying thought that I'm struggling to deal with.

Has anyone else felt like this and how on earth did you cope?

I’m so sorry, that sounds really hard. Many anxieties are about irrational things that will never happen but of course we will all die at some point. So this is about accepting that and being able to cope with it as a fact.
I am sure that lots of people share this anxiety and so I think good therapists would be able to help you work through it.

You feel like that because you’re not ready to die yet, so the idea of death feels horrifying. But when the time comes you’ll feel differently. When you’re very old and tired, and you’ve had enough, and you’re ready.

Life changes as you go along. You change. You wouldn’t have been ready to have kids at 14 but by 30 you could probably handle it. Death is the same. Right now you can’t comprehend it, but at 80 or whatever you’ll find you’re able to handle it. Don’t worry about not being ready for something that it isn’t time for yet. Trust that when it arrives you’ll be ready.

I experienced this last year.. completely irrational fears like..
I could get hit by a bus or what if my flight gets hijacked. Talking therapy made me realise that stress was causing OCD traits anxiety and to deal with it id created a "magical way of thinking" meaning if I worried about it enough I could stop it from happening.
(I was seeing patterns that made my thoughts real, example being.. months before my flight to Greece id notice the clock at work reading 9.11 and i would take that as a sign that my flight was going to get hijaked) This apparently is magical thinking)
The therapy really helped but I think what really worked was medication. Propanalol for my racing heart and phenerghan for sleep.
Once that kicked in I was advised to go about my life as if those intrusive thoughts weren't there. Example.. Don't cross the road every time you see a bus stop or get on that flight. Every time I did it and lived to tell the tale the thoughts got less and less until they stopped entirely. 💐

I think you should examine if this recent uptick in anxiety is due to peri-menopause. You are not too young, (I was your age), and new or increased anxiety, which can be extreme, is a very, very common symptom.

Thank you.

I was in a bit of a state yesterday when I posted. I'm feeling a bit better today. I appreciate the replies, I read them last night before I went to bed and it definitely made me feel less alone.

Perimenopause is an interesting theory, I had no idea anxiety was a symptom and definitely will investigate further. I do think perhaps I've been generally more anxious lately...

@Kaill this is what I try to tell myself. I think I've just suddenly realised that dying is getting closer and it's a bit terrifying. I hope when the time comes I will be able to accept it/feel differently. But in the meantime I need to find a way to cope with/process how I feel.

@Kaill thank you - that was a lovely and comforting message to read

My mum used to say “only suffer once”. Because you suffer once when you have to deal with The Thing, whatever it is - and you suffer a second, third, fourth time when you worry about it. You only have to suffer once - the rest you’re inflicting on yourself.

Yes I have had this fear come up full throttle for me a few years ago, and it felt like something I couldn't avoid any longer. I also had a period of being terrified as a child too, just like you. I came through it, I had therapy, I sort of began to face it and accept it, although I can't describe to you exactly how I got to that place. Good luck.

Hi - thank you so much for your reply.

I'm sorry you've been through the same. I keep being totally overwhelmed by a blinding panic and it's horrible.

I'm feeling a bit better now, I've got an initial assessment for counselling/psychotherapy booked (well actually cancelled initially as one of the kids was ill - of course! - but it will be rescheduled soon).

I'm trying to focus on the fact I can't change it, so there's no point in worrying about it and if I'm going to be dead for eternity then I might as well do my best to enjoy the time I have. And focus on what's important to me, children and loved ones and making lovely memories.

Since posting I've also realised my anxiety in general is higher these days, so I am wondering about possibly being linked to peri-menopause (as a PP mentioned), and oddly the fact this might potentially have a physical cause is making me feel a bit better (even though that doesn't change the reality of dying, odd but true).

And I'm generally working to distract myself when I start having these distressing thoughts, and possibly helping to break the pattern of starting to panic.

"Only suffer once" - I love this and have been thinking it a lot since I originally posted.

Trying to sweat the small stuff less, as I feel like I spend (waste) a lot of time worrying about such inconsequential things.

OP l understand , l've had this fear for much of my life and its very debilitating. There's been some great advice on here and l love the 'only suffer once' saying too, l'd not heard that before. Also agree that perimenopause can exacerbate anxiety and obsessive thoughts so bear that in mind too. Good luck with your therapy, do post an update to let us know how it went.

Thank you so much.

Do you mind me asking how you manage? Have you found coping mechanisms that work for you?

I feel this way too and like you, often thought about it as a child. Unfortunately for me, I know exactly what brought it back and that was the death of my dad. The pandemic was also a huge catalyst. I regularly worry about leaving my husband on his own, or that I'm alone when I die. We don't have children and only have 1 sister each who we're not particularly close to. I don't worry about things like getting on a plane but any ache or pain I have i instantly think it's some sort of cancer. I've constantly got a racing heart as I'm so anxious all day everyday.
Writing that down makes me think I really should do something about it.

In my job I see people in their last few hours or days. For someone at the end of a long life it seems to about letting go. This is very different from being 40 when you are not ready to go. If you can access some therapy to help you through this it will help you enjoy the time you have. That is likely to be many decades.

I’ve had this when I was younger (and had anxiety and depression), I think talking therapy helped somewhat. But also, most of us, to be honest at some stage during our lives think about this. I was suffering anxiety recently and imagined myself lying in a coffin, when I was in bed, it isn’t the best way to think of things but then talked it through with family, did some meditation and it’s passed now. For me, I’m 52 and my dad died at 50 and also friends have died recently at similar ages so I think I was sensitive to that. Also a neighbour sadly ended his life and he was mid to 40s (bit of a shock).

For you, definitely access therapy because hopefully at your age you have many happy, healthy years ahead of you.

@FeelingHopelessness l confess l haven't really found a solution. lt doesn't consume me, but will surface at certain times when l feel that all to familiar dread. I just have to distract myself or find something to busy myself with so l don't give it headspace. l know this isn't getting to the root of the problem and has caused me to have certain phobias which has kept my world quite small. My Mum was the same and l'm sure l learnt it from her.

OP - Have you ever considered that it is only our bodies that die? Thousands of people who have had near death experiences will testify to this. Read up or watch You Tube videos on this. It may help you to cope if you realise that death is not the end.

Oh another thing, when I died, I felt like I’d be all
alone in space, like abandoned. But this definitely comes down to the fact that my parents separated and divorced when I was 4/5 and I missed my dad terribly as I had no idea where he’d gone and had been very close to him. Once I had therapy re that it helped.

I'm glad the therapy helped. People who have had NDEs report meeting up with loved ones who have passed before. You will not be alone. Now live for the moment and enjoy your life.

I've suddenly developed an intense fear of death too. Mine stems from being an only child with no children of my own, therefore facing a future all alone with no family. I honestly don't know how I am going to cope all alone. And then passing away with nobody who cares about me - it just all feels so sad and scary. I just hope I go quickly and not in pain.

@Plump82 Ah your situation is similar to mine, I see. It's really tough. I hope you manage to find the help you need. I live with constant anxiety too.

OP - Have you ever considered that it is only our bodies that die? Thousands of people who have had near death experiences will testify to this. Read up or watch You Tube videos on this. It may help you to cope if you realise that death is not the end.

and

OP - Have you ever considered that it is only our bodies that die? Thousands of people who have had near death experiences will testify to this. Read up or watch You Tube videos on this. It may help you to cope if you realise that death is not the end.

I think about this kind of thing a lot. I wish I could believe there is more after death, but I often find it incredibly hard to believe there is. Although I'm open minded I guess as we don't KNOW there is nothing. I'm not an atheist, but I don't really know what I believe. When I think about the universe, how big it is, why I'm here at all, what's outside the universe, what will come after the universe, etc. I just feel dizzy. It's too much to comprehend. But I want to understand it all.

I finally had my initial counselling assessment and it was emotionally exhausting, but it did make me feel better and the counsellor was very kind and made me feel like there might be light at the end of the tunnel.

@Strawberriesandpears I'm sorry. You never know what the future holds. All the more important to enjoy the time we have I suppose, but it's hard at times.

@FeelingHopelessness. I'm glad the counselling helped. You said the fear went away when you were busy with marriage and children and came back when your youngest started school so try to keep busy and don't spend too much time alone thinking. I'm sure the counsellor will help to get to the bottom of your anxiety. Congratulations on making that first brave step and talking it through with the counsellor. Good luck.

@FeelingHopelessness sorry to revive the thread and if it’s triggering I apologise. How is your counselling going? Has it made you feel better?

Hi - thanks for asking. 😊

I did find the counselling generally beneficial, but not really so much around the fear of death unfortunately.

I had six sessions with a counsellor who offered "person centred" counselling. We discussed a lot of stuff, including the fear of death. But to be honest I've come to the conclusion I'm not sure if...

a) counselling will really work for this fear, I mean there's nothing anyone can do about the reality of the situation... or...
b) Perhaps it wasn't the right kind of counselling, as it was very focused on exploring feelings, rather than finding solutions IYSWIM.

I learned a lot about myself and it definitely helped with other aspects of life I was struggling with... and helped me understand more about why I act the way I do in certain situations, why I feel the way I do, helped me realise I'm not a bad person for having certain feelings, etc. We explored generational trauma, which was eye-opening.

I found the counselling difficult - I hate talking about myself. And I realised I had a lot of stuff to work through that I haven't even realised... so it was a LOT.

But yeah, the death thing... not so much. I think ultimately I avoided talking about it too much and delving too deep because it's so difficult. I'm wondering now if the only real answer is CBT to break the thought patterns I've fallen into. I can't change the reality. I need to accept it, and to a certain extent just put it out of my mind, although this is easier said than done.

I'm currently just feeling very tired (I've been ill for a few weeks, and so have the rest of my family) and worn down (my youngest isn't letting me sleep much and I'm finding my job stressful)... so I'm just trying to focus on survival at the moment, and finding happiness in my friends and loved ones, focusing on the positives in life. I'm hoping when spring comes I'll feel a bit more positive and able to think about the next steps I should take...

Sorry, that ended up being a bit of a brain dump!