Help - Fear of death

[FeelingHopelessness]

Hi

I'm really struggling and don't know what to do.

I have terrible fear and anxiety about dying. I feel utterly awful. I'm not sure what has brought it on, but it started a few months ago and has gotten steadily worse, to the point where it has become totally overwhelmed and can't stop thinking about it.

I went through a phase like this as a child, when I first figured out what dying truly meant, but as I got older and busy with life, marriage, having children etc. it eased and almost totally went away.

Now it's back and worse than ever. I think it's a combination of middle age approaching (I'm almost 40), the fact that time seems to be whizzing by at a terrifying pace, deciding not to have any more children (my youngest has just started school), my parents getting older... etc.

I have registered for a local talking therapy referral program today and should have an appointment on Monday, because I can't continue to feel like this.

But honestly I don't believe anything can really make me feel better. I feel overwhelmed and trapped. The inevitability and finality of death is just a horrifying thought that I'm struggling to deal with.

Has anyone else felt like this and how on earth did you cope?

OP I’m 51 and although I’m still scared of death, it’s mostly because I don’t know if my children or dogs would cope. I’m really not that bothered, although I’m bothered about illness and have severe health anxiety.

What might help is listening to some Ajahn Brahm talks on YouTube. He does one every Friday and he also does guided meditation, which I’ve found to be the best I’ve tried but I can’t cope with that if my anxiety is bad. I think I believe in reincarnation….I hear too many stories about the odd things toddlers have said to not at least half believe it. I don’t know how it works because I believe that humans can only know so much. Someone on here compared it to an ant having absolutely no idea about humans.

Talking therapy will probably help.

I also really recommend a new book by Kathryn Mannix (a palliative care doctor who has witnessed deaths throughout her career) - "With the End in Mind"

I have exactly the same thoughts and feelings as you, right down to the head-frying thoughts about the universe.

I had a life threatening pregnancy complication and surgery in October, I really thought this would be the day I could die and it was terrifying.
But even before then I had a fear of dying that would sneak up on me occasionally, usually at the end of the day before bed. I notice it's worse when I'm tired.
I'm a few years younger than you. I wonder if it's a fear that intensifies at this age...as my mum said she has it too at my age but now at 74 she doesn't. I've heard that the fear lessens the older you get, which sounds counterintuitive but I hope it's true.

In the meantime I'm starting EMDR therapy, which I'm hoping will help with the trauma from the hospital. Do you think your fear has been caused by any kind of trauma?

If so, something like EMDR might be good? I too didn't find general counselling very helpful.
Also the book Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts by Winston Seif helped me when the thoughts get debilitating.

I'm also planning to get christened after a lifetime of atheism. The thing is, when I thought I might die, even though I wasn't alone as my husband was with me (I see that dying alone is a common fear) I still felt alone in myself. It would be just me that would have to experience death, loved ones can only come so far with me, they can't accompany me through it.
The only way I can feel better about that is if I believe that there's a God who will guide me and help me not be alone when the time comes. That, and the thought that relatives who have passed away come to help you through, as mentioned by others.
Don't overthink whether all this is "true" or not. No one can prove it for sure, and even if it turns out to not be objectively true, so what? All that matters is that it's true in your head and gives you comfort.
I hope this is helpful, though I'm still not "over it" by any means so am no expert.

You have no idea how comforting this was to read, for someone who for the first time ever burst into tears this week irrationally when I thought about dying.

It's not just that I can't imagine a world without me, but I can't imagine my world without my dad. This gave me some insight as to why he might be so calm.

Truly, thank you for creating a Mumsnet account and deciding to write your input on this thread. I really appreciate it.

Yours sincerely,

A woman in her 30s on her period xx

I went through severe Heath anxiety during COVID as I was very unwell and terrified of dying. I was constantly reading everything I could about it checking sats heart rates etc. I got very unwell. I found counselling pointless here.

What got me through it?
We got a dog and I got out more and met human beings and had chats socially distanced at the time of course. I gave in and took antidepressants after being against them for years this helped remove the fight or flight state I had gotten into. Putting myself on a news ban and i would say that this is still something I stick to. The news of new illnesses still has the tendency to worry me but less than it did. I kept busy and gradually my fears subsided and lessened. I found that I was overwhelmed and not getting enough rest which tipped me over the edge and I now try to make sure I rest more.

It's maybe not the right thing for everyone but you need to try and find something to take your focus away from your fears. It takes a while but it is possible. It took more than 6 months for me to break my cycle.

Good luck