I am really in a bad place and pretty much alone so I hope people don't mind me posting here for a bit of support.
I have had some issues with mental health on and off for as long as I can remember. A combination of early trauma and suspecting I am on the autism spectrum which makes it really hard for me to interact with people/navigate life in general. I have never managed a successful relationship, I don't have kids and only have a couple of friends that I can trust.
I had been doing OK for the past year, working part-time, having therapy and getting over an assault by a man I knew who took advantage of my nativity. I relocated to a new town and had a few very happy months starting what I thought was a new life.
I have now got myself in a situation and I see no way out and I am pretty much feeling like this is going to be it for me as I am 52 and I just can't fight these constant battles anymore, it is just exhausting physically and mentally.
All my life has been one failure after another. I feel guilty and stupid that I never manage to do the ''right thing'' and just bring more misery on myself.
What tipped me over the edge is buying a small house in my new hometown and then realising that I have just sunk all my savings into a money pit horror with so many problems (no heating, dodgy plumbing) that I don't even know where to start. The surveyor who looked at the house missed most of the problems and the sellers hid a lot of issues with clever tricks, so now I am having to make official complains agains the surveyor and to threaten to sue the sellers. The whole will put me in a difficult financial situation. Last week the person who came to see the gas fire in the living room house said it would have killed me if I had turned it on as it was so poorly installed and he removed it. Since then I think the reality of the mess I put myself in has been too much to deal with. I can't stand being in that house and I fear for the future.
So I have spent the last 2 days crying and struggling to function. This afternoon I email the GP surgery to say that I really needed to see someone because
(trigger warning)
I was thinking of self-harming and could feel myself no longer functioning.
Has anyone gone down that low and managed to get back on their feet?
I just have this hopeless feeling that no matter what I do, no matter who I trust the result is always the same: I find myself in another mess and I frankly can't see any reason to carry on such a miserable existence and the constant bad luck and betrayal by other people.
I am hoping the GP will see me soon but even that is just going to be putting a plaster on the general mess that is my life.
Maybe stories of how people came back from hitting rock bottom might inspire me...