Hitting rock bottom...has anyone come back from this?

[Bluewitch]

I am really in a bad place and pretty much alone so I hope people don't mind me posting here for a bit of support.

I have had some issues with mental health on and off for as long as I can remember. A combination of early trauma and suspecting I am on the autism spectrum which makes it really hard for me to interact with people/navigate life in general. I have never managed a successful relationship, I don't have kids and only have a couple of friends that I can trust.

I had been doing OK for the past year, working part-time, having therapy and getting over an assault by a man I knew who took advantage of my nativity. I relocated to a new town and had a few very happy months starting what I thought was a new life.

I have now got myself in a situation and I see no way out and I am pretty much feeling like this is going to be it for me as I am 52 and I just can't fight these constant battles anymore, it is just exhausting physically and mentally.

All my life has been one failure after another. I feel guilty and stupid that I never manage to do the ''right thing'' and just bring more misery on myself.

What tipped me over the edge is buying a small house in my new hometown and then realising that I have just sunk all my savings into a money pit horror with so many problems (no heating, dodgy plumbing) that I don't even know where to start. The surveyor who looked at the house missed most of the problems and the sellers hid a lot of issues with clever tricks, so now I am having to make official complains agains the surveyor and to threaten to sue the sellers. The whole will put me in a difficult financial situation. Last week the person who came to see the gas fire in the living room house said it would have killed me if I had turned it on as it was so poorly installed and he removed it. Since then I think the reality of the mess I put myself in has been too much to deal with. I can't stand being in that house and I fear for the future.

So I have spent the last 2 days crying and struggling to function. This afternoon I email the GP surgery to say that I really needed to see someone because

(trigger warning)

I was thinking of self-harming and could feel myself no longer functioning.

Has anyone gone down that low and managed to get back on their feet?

I just have this hopeless feeling that no matter what I do, no matter who I trust the result is always the same: I find myself in another mess and I frankly can't see any reason to carry on such a miserable existence and the constant bad luck and betrayal by other people.

I am hoping the GP will see me soon but even that is just going to be putting a plaster on the general mess that is my life.

Maybe stories of how people came back from hitting rock bottom might inspire me...

You've done really well to buy your own home. Something many people never manage.
It's daunting but it's won't be awful forever and depending where you are, you might be able to find help to begin to tackle things bit by bit. I'd reach out to your local men in sheds group / local council handy man service to see if they can suggest where you could start to get practical help with the house problems.

But that's not what you really are asking ..
I've been suicidal a number of times in my life always because things got bad and I ran out of 'cope'.
Each time I've clawed my way back, but I've never managed it alone, I've always needed help from another person or animal.
So when I get to that place I seek out the kind and supportive places and try to find people to be with who can accept if you are not your best self.
Therapist I was referred to by NHS
My dog when I was young
Other people in a sport club I took up (didn't tell them I was suicidal but just took their company doing a joint activity)
People on here, kind words and advice from strangers
The local homeless shelter where I volunteered (win win)
Adult classes run by local authority/ library (I know not all areas have this but my area does)
Things like that.
I turn to others and find the more I look out instead of turning in on myself the better I can recover.

No personal experience but offering a hand hold. I read this poem earlier and it touched me - even when we feel alone, we all have a huge network of people with whom we are connected.

That's really lovely. 🧡

Just wanted to say that yes, many many people have come back from feeling so low. People come back from almost successful suicide attempts and go on to recover.

Phone the Samaritans any time you feel like self-harming.

I'm so sorry it's all this hard at the moment.

So sorry you feel this way. I too was a self harmer and did make a suicide attempt which was thankfully stopped. What got me through was my only friend at the time. They just let me be how I needed to be and I talked if that's what I wanted. I'm not going to lie, it's not a quick thing but take it 1 day at a time and you will get there. I really hope you find what you need. Please call someone to be with you

If you are on the autistic spectrum, issues with your house must be incredibly difficult for you. Home is safety, and if we feel unsafe, it really messes with mental health. I can understand your distress.

Im 32. I've been at the bottom (and top for that matter) many times with my mental health. The constant roller coaster is sometimes exhausting. I've tried to kill myself a few times, been in hospital, and sectioned 5 times, and even since then, I have had numerous issues. I was lucky my work was very understanding, despite my first manic episode happening at work and going straight to hospital from work twice.

I somehow continued to work full time and only took smaller periods of time (considering what happened) off work. I finally went part time in 2020 which has been a big help for me, plus loads of therapy.

Since being hospitalised and saying to a friend I didn't think I could ever be happy and would be in and out of hospital forever, things really turned around. Medication and therapy have helped.

I have had lots of help from people along the way, however. I couldn't have done it without help in the past. I self harmed only a couple of times when very suicidal. I understand your overwhelm. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't currently in a bad place and hoping others' stories might help me as well.

I hope you get some help from your GP. Is there any way you could get any sort of therapy as well?

Thank you everyone for the kind messages and the poem.

I am not feeling any better unfortunately. The GP surgery receptionist emailed back to say that they had passed on my request for an appointment as a matter of urgency.

Yes, as was mentioned I am not coping with not having a safe place where I can have peace and quiet and switch off (I find noise and people really hard to cope with). I am also starting to have real issues sleeping which does not help because I am just then too tired to take any action or try to make right decisions. Not to mention the constant catastrophizing thoughts that keep coming in my head.

Anyway I know other people are struggling too so I don't want to go on too much about my situation but at the moment I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Indeed trying to take one day at the time makes sense for now.

Please don't feel that you can't talk about your own situation OP. It's good that you are reaching out for help. I'm glad your GP receptionists are taking it seriously.

Lack of sleep is horrendous. The GP may be able to help with a medication that also helps with this?
If not antihistamines (even the non drowsy ones) I find help me and are over the counter?

What's happening with your house @Bluewitch ?

I wondered if you might be able to organise things so you have one room that is ok for you, to get a little bit of calm and safety in your home.

I really understand the upset when home is not calm.

Anyway I know other people are struggling too so I don't want to go on too much about my situation Don't compare your situation, you're feeling very low and are worthy of being heard.

It's your thread op, the whole point of that this is exactly where you can and should 'go on' about your situation.
If the conversation can help that's a good thing.

Thank you again for the understanding everyone.

I usually ''soldier on'' and I am not really used to ask for help or share my issues.

Yes, I am considering asking the GP when I see her for something to help me sleep so I can at least relax or maybe go back on anti-depressants.

''@MidnightOnceMore What's happening with your house @Bluewitch ?''

I relocated to a small town (for peace and quiet which is ironic...), had a small budget and after months of looking found a small 1930s terrace that I bought. Had a survey which claimed the house was in good order.

But a combination of me being a naive first time buyer, a surveyor that missed some obvious concerns and the sellers hiding some of the defaults I found myself having to move into a house which needs a lot more work than expected and currently has no heating system (sellers hid the fact that the boiler had broken down after the survey). Last week the water company told me I have lead pipes inside my house and that main to the street also needs replacing. So a lot of disruption and costly repairs which will put me in a difficult financial situation. I also had a huge shock when the guy who came in to have a look at the boiler also noticed that there was a gas fire in the living room that had been fitted incorrectly and I quote ''would have killed me if I had turned it on''... I think all of this has made me distruss the house (I don't feel safe there anymore) and I am so angry that I have to consider the added hastle of legal action against sellers and surveyors not to mention the fact that the local surveyor had been recommended by my solicitor... Basically it has all just become too much to deal with. I was even googling this morning how I could just put the house back on sale and maybe flog it at auction or to a cash company but in this market it might be a pipe dream. I feel like such a loser for having made this mistake and again trusted the wrong people. Story of my life.

To add another update: the GP surgery just rang me to say that they had an appointment for me this morning. I think my email came across as worrying so they fitted me in straight away.

That's great news. You need all the support you can get, because when you're in the bottom of a black pit and surrounded by challenging circumstances it is too hard to go it alone.
All about local befriending services.
I work in a related field where adult safeguarding is something we consider, though don't deal with directly... and the local authority have various support options to signpost to including befriending services and other services beneficial for mental health. I know you are struggling to deal with people but you would hope such people would be particularly sensitive to meeting your needs and not presenting a version of themselves that is unhelpful to you.

Ask about, not all about, that should say.

Hi @Bluewitch offering a handhold if needed x

To answer your question it's possible to hit rock bottom and come out of it.

Depression works in a way of you being in a tunnel of sorts and not seeing your way out. It's a bit distorted.

When we fall in love, people say we see everything through rose-tinted glasses. Similarly, when in that dark place we see everything through dark-tinted glasses. It's not real, but because it's pessimism, it feels very real.

It's possible to find trustworthy people. Trust is something you build, little by little, you start with 19 percent and if the other person earns it, you add 5 more percent, and so on. Thinking of you and wishing you good things x

Also in my 50s and have suffered from depression and other mental health problems for most of my life.
It got worse during perimenopause where it seemed every day I was thinking about ending it all.
HRT has helped somewhat as in I no longer have suicidal ideation.
I do hope you find the help you need.

So the GP was amazing this morning. She spent quite a bit of time with me assessing the situation and trying to reassure me.

She referred me immediately to the mental health crisis team for urgent support and I was told I would hear back with 3 days.

She also put me on anti-depressants and told me I needed to be signed off work for now so I have a fit note for 2 weeks while I recover and she gave me another appointment in 2 weeks to review how everything is going while the crisis team takes over in the meantime.

Basically as I admitted there was a risk to my life and she was especially concerned that I was alone, she wanted to cover all avenues. The pharmacist also said that they were asked by the GP to contact me next week to see how I was getting on with the anti-depressants.

It was quite a difficult conversation with the GP when I had to finally say out loud that I was considering self-harming and worst but I am so glad I did it.

At least the meds have me calmer already and a bit drowsy and I am thinking they will help me sleep tonight so I can finally give my poor body and mind a rest.

Thank you everyone who commented further. It really means a lot to me...

So glad it went well with the GP OP. So great to hear them take it seriously and give you the help that you need.

You can absolutely find a way through this.

Well, to update everyone more misery today as I came back to my new house to find a pool of water on the floor which apparently was caused by a toilet on the floor above that had been leaking for some time.

I am due to see the mental health crisis team tomorrow for my first appointment and I ended up calling the Samaritans this evening just to have someone to talk to.

The lady I spoke to could not quite believe the amount of bad luck I have had in the past few years (sexual assault, several health issues/surgeries, job issues, moving to a new location, losing several friends, family estrangement and now house nightmare) and that this would be overwhelming for anyone.

I literally told her that I had no idea why life seemed hell bent on torturing me in this manner. I am middle-aged and really don't know how much longer I can take all this.

I think if it wasn't for the anti depressants propping me up I would just be sitting a corner crying my eyes out...

I have no idea how this is going to end but I am going to make it clear to the crisis team tomorrow that I am really not in a good place right now and I need urgent support.

The OP has asked us to withdraw this thread now. Thanks to all who have offered support and advice. For anyone struggling, we'd like to direct you to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].