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Original poster

I am totally alone

38 replies

ohsuzannah · 27/08/2023 13:37

I am 70 and carer for my dd aged 34. She has complex mental health problems and suspected autism/adhd. Her life has gradually disintegrated since a breakdown and suicide attempt at 23

I live in her house and she is also my carer, I have chronic arthritis, scoliosis, neck and spinal problems.

Dd has suffered from endometriosis since 2018 but due to the fact that she won't submit to an examination she hast received treatment ( recommended laparoscopy)

Now to my current situation, during the last few months she had become more and more violent towards me. I meet her needs as much as I can and do not retaliate. I've been pushed and shoved, had many things thrown at me, including a glass which cut my head. All this during meltdowns, and if I'm pushed over I can't get up and have to call a friend for help.
I've been in touch with a lady from the carer volunteer service who put in a Marac form and police attended. They promised to get help for my dd.

Last night everything escalated again and many things were thrown. Dd has also started threatening our 2 small dogs which is the final straw for me.
I rang the crisis team who were as much help as a chocolate teapot. They actually asked me what I wanted from them. They had no one to come out and don't you know it's a bank holiday 🙄
So I have come to understand that I am totally on my own and NO help will be given. 😢

So as not to drip feed, dd was in the system for 10 years having " therapy ". First diagnosed borderline personality disorder and then bipolar. No meds were given.

I give up, and I've started counting my pills, of which I have many due to various conditions. I've also come across a really effective way of helping myself off this life, found it in a book!

Thank you for reading if you've got this far and I apologise for the long post.

OP posts:
ReadySalty · 27/08/2023 13:44

I am so sorry. Life sounds incredibly difficult.

You are desperate, but please don't do this.

Does your DD live in your house? If so and things are at crisis point, you will need to get her to leave. Do you think she is having a breakdown? does she need to be sectioned? You are not safe and you can't help her while you aren't safe.

AInightingale · 27/08/2023 13:48

I am really sorry OP and I can understand why you feel so desperate and abandoned.

You say that you live in your daughter's house but are disabled - the way she is treating you is deeply abusive and wrong. She isn't 'caring' for you in any meaningful way. I can't understand why the police/SS aren't taking this more seriously.

Are you able to live in sheltered acc. which would be paid for by way of state support? You would be able to bring your animals, I think. Your life sounds appalling and you deserve better quality of life. At this point you have to let the statutory agencies deal with your daughter and her problems, and put yourself first.

Notlivinglife · 27/08/2023 13:53

This must be so awful for you. Can you take her to A&E today?

Original poster
ohsuzannah · 27/08/2023 13:53

ReadySalty · 27/08/2023 13:44

I am so sorry. Life sounds incredibly difficult.

You are desperate, but please don't do this.

Does your DD live in your house? If so and things are at crisis point, you will need to get her to leave. Do you think she is having a breakdown? does she need to be sectioned? You are not safe and you can't help her while you aren't safe.

I do think she needs to be sectioned, but I promised her a long time ago that I would never do that. Our local hospital is awful 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
ohsuzannah · 27/08/2023 13:55

AInightingale · 27/08/2023 13:48

I am really sorry OP and I can understand why you feel so desperate and abandoned.

You say that you live in your daughter's house but are disabled - the way she is treating you is deeply abusive and wrong. She isn't 'caring' for you in any meaningful way. I can't understand why the police/SS aren't taking this more seriously.

Are you able to live in sheltered acc. which would be paid for by way of state support? You would be able to bring your animals, I think. Your life sounds appalling and you deserve better quality of life. At this point you have to let the statutory agencies deal with your daughter and her problems, and put yourself first.

Thank you so much. Yes I want to move out, I'm waiting to be allocated a social worker. I've been going back and fore for weeks with the local authority. No one really cares, except for the lady from the carers association who i first reached out to.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohsuzannah · 27/08/2023 13:57

Notlivinglife · 27/08/2023 13:53

This must be so awful for you. Can you take her to A&E today?

She is locked in her room. She hasn't left the house for months. Hasn't showered or washed her hair for the same amount of time. I know she's suffering, but if she won't cooperate I can't do anything 😐

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 27/08/2023 14:02

I recommend officially throwing her out. Write an eviction letter to her and also send it to the council. I would involve the police every time there is violence.

Is there anyone who will take you in for a night’s break to clear your head and get some space from her?

I have found so-called services as useless as a chocolate teapot too. It’s a lot of phone numbers that lead to people who don’t have a clue what to do and it’s hard enough making such calls in the first place. The only way to get any help is by making yourself a problem that won’t go away.

Things can get real crazy behind closed doors. You need to get out of the house as much as possible and shine a lot of light on what is happening by opening up to people - your friends, your GP, the police, social services, your family. Don’t go down without a fight OP.

RadishAndTwiglet · 27/08/2023 14:04

I do think she needs to be sectioned, but I promised her a long time ago that I would never do that. Our local hospital is awful 😢

You can't put your own life at constant risk because of an unrealistic promise you've made to a very mentally unwell adult child. You deserve to feel safe, to have some respite and to live your life in relative peace, given that you have health needs of your own. It's hard to know from what you've said, whether she has the capacity to fully understand what she's doing to you, but she is abusive and violent and you should not have to tolerate it, regardless of whether she can help it or not. Please, please forget your promise and do what you know you need to do. Before she kills you.

Thighdentitycrisis · 27/08/2023 14:05

Maybe you should present as homeless to your local authority as you are not safe there.

Your promise to not ask for your daughter to be sectioned is possibly not helping her?

this must be an incredibly difficult situation for you OP.

Original poster
ohsuzannah · 27/08/2023 14:07

@OriginalUsername2
I can't throw her out because it's her house 😐
I will certainly call the police the next time she becomes violent.
I love her very much and I know she's in pain, which is making things worse.
What I'd like to happen is for me to move out ( I've already started to pack up my stuff) and for dd to receive some proper help, with her own social worker.

OP posts:
Nn9011 · 27/08/2023 14:07

I'm so sorry this has happened, no matter the difficulties your daughter has had it's not ok for her to treat you this way.
Sadly, she will not be sectioned unless she is an immediate threat to herself with an active plan to end her life.
I would really encourage you to reach out to AGE UK or Hourglass (https://wearehourglass.org/hourglass-services ) as they will be able to support you decide what you can do to protect yourself.

Hourglass Services | Hourglass

Our confidential services provide information and support to an older person or anyone concerned about an older person who is at risk of, experiencing or recovering from any form of abuse or neglect. They can all be accessed below  

https://wearehourglass.org/hourglass-services

Original poster
ohsuzannah · 27/08/2023 14:08

@RadishAndTwiglet
I don't think she does have capacity at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohsuzannah · 27/08/2023 14:11

@Nn9011
Thank you for the link 😊
And thanks to everyone else who has answered, I feel a bit better now. It's awful being alone in a situation like this. I spend most of my evenings in my room with the dogs, and the door bolted.

OP posts:
Britneyfan · 27/08/2023 14:12

When you say you’d like her to have “proper help” what does that look like to you? I think if you can be really clear with various agencies as to what it is specifically you are seeking this will help. Also it’s not clear if this is just how she is or if she is like this at the moment (violence) etc due to being acutely very unwell mental health wise. If you were to take yourself off to a hotel for a few nights now while waiting for crisis team input would you be worried about her safety on her own? Would she be able to feed herself etc? Would she be likely to hurt herself?

Original poster
ohsuzannah · 27/08/2023 14:29

Yes I would be worried. That's why I want help for her as well. A proper drug regime, assessment for ASD, her own social worker.
As a disabled person I actually get quite a lot of help from ocupational therapists, etc. I get the painkillers I need to help me get around, and I'm having a second knee replacement in November

OP posts:
Mischance · 27/08/2023 14:37

Who is going to look after you after your knee replacement? Can you ask the hospital to send you to a rehab hospital afterwards?

You both qualify for the definition "vulnerable adult" and as such you can both get help from SSD. You must press hard for this. You are in danger and they need to have this spelt out to them.

EasyPeelersAreNotSatsumas · 27/08/2023 15:01

OP, you poor thing.
This can't go on can it.
I hope you keep pushing for somewhere else to live 💐

Original poster
ohsuzannah · 27/08/2023 15:15

I'm applying for 2 weeks respite after the op. I've had it before, so I know how debilitating it is. I'll probably put the dogs in kennels.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohsuzannah · 27/08/2023 15:16

Thank you so much @EasyPeelersAreNotSatsumas
It means a lot just to have someone to talk to 😊

OP posts:
ReadySalty · 27/08/2023 15:36

You need to get her sectioned for her sake and then for yours. She isn't goign to get better without professional help. You will get help if she is in a hospital. I'm sorry to say that my experience of social services is that will not do anything unless they absolutely have to. So get her sectioned and then will have to help you.

Original poster
ohsuzannah · 27/08/2023 15:54

ReadySalty · 27/08/2023 15:36

You need to get her sectioned for her sake and then for yours. She isn't goign to get better without professional help. You will get help if she is in a hospital. I'm sorry to say that my experience of social services is that will not do anything unless they absolutely have to. So get her sectioned and then will have to help you.

The last time I told a trusted doctor that in my opinion my dd needed sectioning, she told me to take her to local A&E. Now I don't know if that's changed, I know it takes more than one hcp to section, but my problem is that I'd never get her out of the house, and indeed, out of her room as she's locked herself in 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Lysianthus · 27/08/2023 16:03

I think the Police can take her into a local S136 suite where she would be assessed. You need to tell them that she is a danger to herself and others.
I'm so sorry you have no one to support you, obviously services vary so much according to location so I can't give more specific help. I wish you all the very best Flowers

Treasuryofverse · 27/08/2023 19:01

I'm sorry you are going through this op. No advice to give but I am disgusted and embarassed about the state of our mental health service and their failure to support you.

Original poster
ohsuzannah · 27/08/2023 19:40

Thank you all ❤️
I long for peace and quiet, just me and the dogs!

OP posts:
Original poster
ohsuzannah · 27/08/2023 19:44

@Lysianthus
It may come to that. I've wrestled knives away from her before. And once she drove off in my car, bought a rope and went looking for a place to use it.
What she didn't know was that I've had a tracker put in the car. I pinpointed her and phoned the police, they brought her home. She still doesn't know about the tracker!

OP posts: