I don’t belong

[MoominMamma15]

Ive felt this way since i can remember, a young child.
ive never felt ‘right’ i feel like an alien. I dont fit in, i never seem to do anything right. Im so so tired. Everyday is exhausting, i dont want to do this anymore

I’m like that, it’s ok, it’s a thing it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you

That's me in a nutshell (hug)

I could have written your post. I always say I am "The world's worst human".

Everyday I make a list of what I want/need to do. I take each day as it comes. I just fill my days with doing stuff I like. I watch a lot of streaming services, but also go for walks and I do like charity shops.

Thank you all x
im so sorry others feel like this. I dont understand it. Its such a scary feeling at times. I never feel ‘home’, i dont know where im supposed to be. I try to be the best person i can but it rarely seems enough

The thing that really did it for me today was reading about how despite Lucy Letby murdering all those babies her friends and parents are still refusing to believe she did it and are supporting her. If im not 100% perfect then im disposed of for such small failings and i think…..really? The wickedness she has spewing out of her and yet friends are there for her? I just give up

I think how people treat you says more about them most of the time.
LL’s family are probably in disbelief because they simply cannot face what she did. It’s not a rational value judgement on her.

I understand

I didn't have a purpose until I had my ds. Without him I am nothing

That's too much to put on another person. Work on yourself.

There is nothing wrong with you. Promise x

Have you ever been assessed to see if you might be autistic? It is very commonly overlooked in women - especially women old enough to now be on a parenting website - and from the inside it can feel exactly as you described in your original post.

Whilst there isn't something you can 'take' (like antidepressants) for those feelings it can be genuinely helpful to have a diagnosis to know that you are a perfectly normal zebra and that there are many zebras like you out there, instead of going through life feeling like a really awkward pony instead. And there are lots of ways to find others through the internet.

She doesn’t need to be autistic. Maybe just thinks differently or even has a higher than average IQ can cause this

I was going to say this, is there a possibility you could be as both ds and I feel like like and we are autistic.

Of course, it was a suggestion to consider, not an order :-)

(Although, I do note that lots of girls who were told in the 1980s, 90s and even 00s specifically that they "just think differently" and "have a higher than average IQ" are in fact now diagnosed!)

I can relate to this. I can be the person I'm "meant to be" 99.9% of the time, then something can trigger me (I have Autism) and when for a teeny moment I "break character" and they see me for me they run a million miles.

Another one here who thinks you might want to read up about Autism... not that you are autistic - no one on here can say that you are, but maybe just some reading, particularly about autism in women. It's becoming very well documented as others have said, so many go through their adult lives without knowing.

The way you describe yourself and how you feel is exactly the same as my teen DD who was diagnosed after years of struggling with school, friendships and never feeling comfortable in her own skin / like she was different from the rest. Outwardly (outside of the home) she presents like a completely regular teen, but masks most of the time she is out to achieve this. Then she's completely drained at home. I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope you get the advice and clarity in time.

Have you read the book When Marnie Was There?

It deals with these sorts of feelings so well, in a fictional story, especially for a book of this age. I read it as an adult and wished I'd read it as a kid.

@MoominMamma15 there’s a neurodiverse forum on mumsnet - you have to search for it because it doesn’t show up in active/trending - and you might find that there’s quite a lot of us over there that struggle with similar feelings.

May I ask why do they ‘run a million miles?’ What happens when you stop masking and break character? Is it things you say?

Id never even considered something like autism. No, ive never been assessed. Struggled with mental health since forever.
when i was 12/13 i had very bad ocd which i had hypnosis treatment and councelling for.

diagnosed with depression at 19 but think id had this for years prior.

been on sertraline since forever, had major pnd and was nearly admitted for it, had a social worker visit to make sure i was looking after my son.

Im in my forties so an 80’s baby. I was always a very sensitive child, very affected by my surroundings.

If i dont like somewhere i will just want to go home where its safe. I cancel alot because i will have bursts of ‘feeling normal’ and want to do ‘normal’ things then stress and worry about an event days or weeks prior and then cancel.

I can be fine one minute and the next my brain will be flooded with a thousand things, i will get so worked up its like i have a mini breakdown and will crash, cry un-controllably and be in the most disgusting mood.

I will then be left exhausted, ive even had to take odd days off of work because of it.

Im very easily hurt by people and once they have done something to me its like a switch and i cant get over it.

I had a breakdown where I actually believed I was an alien because of the feeling of not belonging. Diagnosed later in life as autistic.

Your mini breakdowns sound exactly like autistic meltdowns

I was just about to say, have you considered that potentially you may be neuro diverse? That's the first thing I thought when you said you never felt like you belong or get anything right - that's a really common feeling amongst undiagnosed neuro diverse adults. Perhaps something to look into? Could give you some answers and help you find a community where you can feel yourself. Sending hugs xx

Same here! Breakdown in my late 40's, batted off by medical professionals as being depressed and/or anxious. I was dismissed by a couple of GP's when I asked if I could be autistic. I was finally diagnosed with autism in my 50's.

I still feel like an alien, as though I don't belong anywhere; however, I know there's a reason for feeling like this and since being diagnosed with autism (and a few years later, ADHD), I've learnt and accepted a lot about myself and consequently, I am much kinder to myself.

I’m another that feels like I don’t fit in, in the world.
in my case it’s not autism, it’s complex trauma disorder.

sorry your feeling this way too op. It’s a little like everyone else got a manual with how life works and they forgot to put that in our box

The friends are in shock and denial. Eventually this will fade and they will disown her as the enormity of her crime sinks in