I don’t belong

[MoominMamma15]

Ive felt this way since i can remember, a young child.
ive never felt ‘right’ i feel like an alien. I dont fit in, i never seem to do anything right. Im so so tired. Everyday is exhausting, i dont want to do this anymore

I’m autistic and your description fits me exactly. I get what you’re saying. Someone like Lucy Letby had friends but I’ve never had any for my entire life. People hate you more for being autistic than for being a murderer.

Thank you so much all you have no idea how even knowing there are others who feel like me makes me feel better xx

so, if i were to be diagnosed with something….and there is no medication, what do i do? Are there coping mechanisms? Like with depression etc there is cbt therapy, is there something similar so that i can cope better?

i dont think it helps either that i am highly likely to be peri-menopausle 😥 i feel like im going slightly crazy.

another example is getting overwhelmed in a supermarket - just trying to choose a toothpaste, there are like a hundred choices and i get so overwhelmed with the choice and the different information, the pressure to choose the right or best toothpaste, i end up wanting to cry and run out. I hate it

Knowing what your diagnosis is allows you to understand what your needs are, what your triggers are, and how to help yourself. I know I don’t like bright lights or eye contact or noise, so I am prepared with dark glasses and earplugs. Knowing your diagnosis also allows you to confidently ask for what you need. I struggled with shaking hands for years - now I just say excuse me if I don’t shake hands, I’m autistic. So now I’m not a dick for refusing to shake hands - the other person is the dick if they discriminate against my disability. I must admit I haven’t found any free therapy available - but just knowing your own needs and feeling legally empowered to ask for support for your disability is a big change.

Re. toothpaste - I buy the same one every time. Ditto for shower gel and shampoo etc. I made one choice sitting in the comfort of my own home and looking at the options online, and now it’s easy because I just buy the same one every time.

I feel this and I have C-PTSD. There is some treatment for this but highly unlikely on the NHS (at least where I live). Autism not sure but don't think there is treatment (I have some traits but not enough for diagnosis). I guess if you have a diagnosis you know what you are dealing with and possible triggers.

I am also perimenopausal and just feeling so overwhelmed the majority of the time. Decision making feels too much. I have just started a different type of HRT - gel to patch as it hasn't been particularly effective. I don't work but was hoping to do some voluntary work to get me out and amongst people...at the moment it just all feels like too much. Not only do I feel I don't belong (I have dc so do feel a sense of belonging in this respect) but I also feel increasingly lost in terms of my place in society. I feel like I've lost energy and any drive I may have had and I get the sense of the world moving too fast for me to keep up. It's like I've slipped into early retirement and wasn't quite ready for it. I've tried a few interest groups - one or two have stuck and I return to these (meet-ups are held on an infrequent basis) but these are outnumbered by the amount of things I've tried and given up on.

Another one who always felt like this, struggled massively with anxiety and felt like an outcast..diagnosed with Autism and ADHD as an adult and suddenly I realise why. Not only that but I’ve found my people within the community. ADHD meds help in a way that antidepressants never did. I read somewhere that many women with undiagnosed ADHD get diagnosed with OCD or OCD tendencies because it’s a way over taking to take control of a world where you have little control. Definitely worth looking into.

Have you tried on the nhs? I’m currently being treated for it on the nhs. It might be just my area, but I would have 100% said the same as you, because of all the things you read in the papers about being over stretched and no support. they’ve been great, arguably a little too great as I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by it all!!

A lot of ppl have suggested autism, it’s also worth considering bpd (borderline personality disorder), which can have these symptoms.

ppl with bpd often struggle a lot with identity / sense of self and feel chronically empty.

Further update. I don't have enough symptoms of autism to warrant a more in-depth assessment (quite a few were flagged up). The C-PTSD diagnosis seems to be spot on. The symptoms of this diagnosis can mimic other things like ADHD/Autism and some aspects of BPD. I feel different to most people.

Vegetables Can you tell me a bit more about the treatment you are receiving please? And if possible which area you are in? PM me if you can.

I am sorry you’re in the same boat. It’s hard feeling a bit of a fraud in life isn’t it?

They’ve been amazing. I contacted the crisis team as I had a day where I couldn’t keep myself safe. although I don’t feel like I’m depressed, I have very intrusive suicidal thoughts and often make plans. I suffer chronic anxiety so over think if I see people which means I isolate myself. I have zero self esteem, and am a chronic people pleaser which feeds the low self worth. I can have a small incident, where I feel like I’m in the way or am pissing people off (supermarket queues, in traffic etc) it sends me on a spiral where I can plan my suicide and have plans.
I am also utterly exhausted
It seems to have got worse with menopause, although it may just be crisis point???

After my initial phone call, they called me on for a meeting, and I have a sort of case worker??? She’s been fantastic, rings me every few days to check in. I really didn’t want to go on anti depressants, but they persuaded me to go on them. They said, if an old house is on fire, but the foundations aren’t solid. You don’t fix the foundations first, you put the fire out first. And that’s what the pills do. They’ve put me on venlalic.
I’ve been on them a week. My sleep has been a bit off, and I’ve felt a bit sick. But I’ve not had a suicidal thought for a week, I’ve also been chirpier and more motivated.
i also have some therapy appointments to get to the root of it. I’ve seen her once so far, she was lovely.

if I’m honest, it’s been a little over whelming. They’ve been so attentive, and helpful. I’ve struggled a bit with that. I think I’ve buried it all for so long, and I’ve felt like I am not worthy of the help. I’ve never spoken about any of this to friends or family, and all of a sudden it’s all happening. It’s scary. Good though, I think.

I will pm you my area

Just thought of another examples of symptoms.
you know if your in a place and the queue is slightly chaotic, and your not sure what’s going on. I can have a sort of panic attack and I just have to get out of there.

or your at your children’s school event and everyone around you seems to know what and where they should be, who they should be talking to. I can get the same overwhelmed type panic.

I relate so very well to your post that I feel I could have written it @MoominMamma15 . I feel all the time like i was just dropped here from another planet without an instruction manual.

@Septembergirl20 big hugs to you lovely x