Living with an alcoholic

[Lovelesz]

Just needed a handhold, I’ve spoken to Al-Anon, have a therapist but I just feel so drained by their behaviour. The constant drinking, aggression, then sweetness, then apologies. I can’t leave due to me not working and raising two young children, we’re not married but our finances are tied into the house tigether. If I leave with my children I will have nothing.

I just feel trapped and desperately sad. No one in RL knows. It’s their dirty secret and mine really, I’d be embarssed and ashamed to tell family. They say they’ll get help but they don’t. Lots of mental health and identity struggles which I’ve tried to be supportive with but I can no longer do this as I’m making myself poorly, I have at times felt suicidal but won’t do due to my children who I love dearly. I would never leave them in that way with their other parent but I just feel so helpless and hopeless.

You have two young children, you need to leave.
It will have long term effects on them if you don’t.
I’m the DD of an alcoholic. DM did leave eventually but not until I was nearly a teen. 2 out of the 4 of us DC are also alcoholics.

He won’t change. He’s already shown you that, and you enabling him by not leaving, because he knows there are no consequences to him drinking. The house can be sold. You need to get support from friends and family, there is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Please tell someone irl.

If you love your children dearly then do the best thing for them - leave.

I hope someone on here can help. That’s no way for your child to live. For their sake and yours I hope you can plan a way out.

Oh come on, your children deserve better than this. You have to leave. Finances or not. My Mum, Gran and Dad were all alcoholics and it shaped a life where I felt I was treading on egg shells. As an adult it’s left me with a lot of difficulties in forming close relationships. You and the children will have a better life without them.

It is not your dirty little secret. It's an illness and it's their illness.

Please tell people and get some help to start the process or plan to leave as this is so damaging for your kids.

First off you need to think about working so start looking into options locally and how you can arrange childcare. Look into the benefits you could get and how much you need to survive.

Are there any family members who could help look after the children for a couple of hours initially to give you some headspace to start the thinking?

No one expects you to leave instantly - but you will feel a lot better if you have the beginnings of a plan even if it's a 3 year plan to save your kids from this situation.

You need to look at Al-Anon online which is for the families of alcoholics. Their first line of support is that you have to look after yourself. There is nothing you can do to help an alcoholic. They will only change/ seek help when they reach rock bottom, if at all, and the bottom is way, way down. You need to think about yourself and your children. Please tell your family, I am sure they will want to help you and remember
You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it.
My heart goes out to you.

Remember the 3 C's.
You can get out..... Women's aid will advise if you need them.
Check benefits entitlement. Get on council housing list.

With best wishes from someone who was in a similar situation this time last year and is out the other side - life is so much better and can be for you!

The first thing you need to do is tell someone - it is not his secret to keep because it is causing a problem for you and the DC. It’s not the same as a medical diagnosis which he has the right to keep private.

He then needs an ultimatum - he has to quit drinking or lose his family. By staying, you are enabling him. I don’t say that to have a go at you but to try to help you. He isn’t going to stop if he thinks he doesn’t have to.

If you issue an ultimatum he might stop, or he might not. A friend of mine did not and lost everything - job, home , marriage, DC, life. I have read about other people who did - I think President Bush was given this ultimatum and realised he had to stop drinking. In his case, it worked and he stayed sober.

How can you be helped here into leaving your, and in turn your kids, abuser?.

You are not as helpless or as powerless as you think you are. You still have options. Womens Aid can and will help you leave safely and you also need to contact your local council re housing.

This is not your secret to keep; alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy and its doing you no favours whatsoever in keeping this quiet.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and its never been with you either.
His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

You have two children; what do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. They are learning a lot of damaging lessons about relationships from seeing an alcoholic parent in their home. Their home is no sanctuary for them either; they're seeing you upset or otherwise preoccupied whilst their dad remains drunk. This house can and should be sold.

You can only help your own self and your kids ultimately and by staying you're only further enabling this dysfunction to continue.

Stop making excuses and leave. You owe it to your children. Like other posters I'm the child of an alcoholic and it was awful. It will be doing untold harm to your children and the sooner you leave the better it'll be. Toughen up for their sake. Plenty of people leave and start their lives again. You can, and have to, do it.

Leave them, the root of my MH issues was my stepfathers alcoholism.

The happiest day of my life was when he died in his forties due to his drinking. Do I like myself for feeling that? No I don’t but it’s the truth.

My half sister, his blood DD is an alcoholic, the entire family are NC with her as her behaviour is so destructive and dangerous.

Please please tell people. Keeping it secret is what is trapping you there. There is always a way out. I'm sure family/friends would help get you out even on a temporary basis until the Council can house you and your children. I'm sorry to say that this isn't going to get better.

Financial security is in no way more important than your DC's mental health, which will undoubtedly be affected by living with an alcoholic.

If I’ve made it sound like finances are keeping me with them, that is wrong. I’m fully aware that their behaviour is affecting my children, that has also been a factor in me feeling depressed and hopeless. It doesn’t feel as easy to talk to people in RL as I’ll get blamed and accused of not putting my children’s needs as a priority, I can see that posting on here. Al anon have been great and said what you posted on here. Im just worn out from their behaviour. It’s hard living like this. My children ARE my world and I have shielded them as much as I can from this, hence dirty secret. Only I am affected by their behaviour as they drink at night and in the morning, they’re a different person.

"...Only I am affected by their behaviour as they drink at night and in the morning, they’re a different person...." nope. sorry you are wrong. your children once they reach 4 or 5 will know that something is not right with their parent. you might think you are shielding them. you are not. they will see the effects on you and this will also affect them. why do parents lie to themselves like this and think that kids have no idea whats going on and that everything is normal. it isnt and kids know this. and as they get older they get resentful, scared, moderate their behaviour etc. at what point are you going to leave? when your partner has liver failure? when they kill someone by drink driving? when they shout and rave in the middle of the night in a drunken stupor and wake the kids up? when? what has to happen to make you put your children first and stop looking at all the reasons why you cant leave rather than at all the reasons why you must? they need you, they are relying on you. You need to do this because you might think you cant get or feel any lower than you do now but believe me you can.

You have a choice here re your alcoholic, they do not.

You are playing out the usual roles here associate with such people - his codependent partner, enabler and provoker.

Trying to protect your kids from the other persons alcoholism whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible. They will pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken. You likely dread each evening because he’ll start to drink then and your kids will sense that too. In the morning he is likely to be on a comedown from alcohol and is not sober. When is this person ever sober?. Likely never.

I’m fully aware that their behaviour is affecting my children

Only I am affected by their behaviour

Alcoholism is called the family disease for very good reason because you are all affected by the alcoholic.

How does his drinking affect your finances? Is he up and present with the kids in the morning after drinking all night? How can you shield them from the daily smell of stale alcohol on them/in the house. You cannot protect your child from it while you still live in the same house. And there isn’t one person who has experienced it that will tell you otherwise.

I sincerely hope you can find support and strength to make some positive choices for you and your children. It’s an awful situation to be in. Dig deep

Hi OP,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ