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Original poster

My daughter says she wants to die, she is only 8 :(

37 replies

bluejelly · 25/02/2008 22:10

Is this 'normal' childhood anxiety? She is generally a very happy well-balanced, cheerful child. But she has said several times that she would rather die than live. She gets very worried about the world ending/the sun turning into a black hole etc
Also climate change
I reassure her plentifully, give her hugs etc but tonight she seemed so 100% calm and convinced about it I burst into tears.
I cried then she cried, I reassured her that it was okay to be frightened about the future but that really there was no need. She calmed down and so did I and now she is asleep. But I wonder now if this is normal 8 year old behaviour or is my daughter deeply miserable and even suicidal at a young age?

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snottyshoulders · 25/02/2008 22:15

Sorry don't really know much about this, so wouldn't like to say something stupid. Thought I'd bump it for you until someone with some advice comes along. Has there been any major trauma in her life so far? I'm guessing there has...

sleepycat · 25/02/2008 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bluejelly · 25/02/2008 22:18

Thanks ss. No major trauma at all. School is going well, she has lots of friends, we have a great relationship.
She is an only child, with a fertile imagination (same as me at her age) but I never felt like I wanted to die...

Feel awful that she feels like that at such a young age

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Original poster
bluejelly · 25/02/2008 22:18

Thanks sleepycat

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Original poster
bluejelly · 25/02/2008 22:23

Has no-one had this before? I was really hoping someone would come along and say this is normal childhood anxiety and they grow out of it...

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UnderRated · 25/02/2008 22:23

There was another thread very recently about someone's 8 yr old DS wanting to die - can't find it atm but if you search the archives it was started by overthehill. HTH

theyoungvisiter · 25/02/2008 22:23

bluejelly, I can't answer for your dd but I used to have long fantasies about dying tragically or committing suicide when I was young - they focussed mostly on how sorry everyone would be afterwards. I was actually a very cheerful child too and never seriously meant any of it - I think it was just a way of coming to terms with the idea of death and controlling other people in some way, when as a child you actually have so little control over your life.

Also my friend's little boy asked if he could die at the same time as her, so that he wouldn't have to live on without her. (She isn't ill or anything, but they had been discussing age and getting older and I think the penny dropped that she was older than him and would go first). Again, he wasn't in anyway disturbed - I think he is just having trouble coming to terms with the idea that there could, possibly, be life after mummy.

I realise that your daughter's situation is somewhat different to both these examples but I hope they reassure you that it can be normal to talk about death and dying, and might be part of coming to terms with disturbing ideas.

Does she seem excessively anxious to you? I mean, do her worries seem to dominate her life and affect her socially?

hatwoman · 25/02/2008 22:23

I don't have any experience in this but I would hazard a guess that a good approach would be to get her to channel her worries into something positive. I think children feel scared because they feel powerless. could you get her involved in something where she can see she's having a positive impact - she's not going to halt global warming single handedly so don't set the bar too high! but she could help you work out your household energy use and set the house targets to reduce it. she could maybe find a local group that does something like clear up a local neglected resource (eg a canal or urban river); she could sponsor a child through Plan International - more about exchanging info and experiences and learning.

Original poster
bluejelly · 25/02/2008 22:24

Oh thank you underrated, that's useful. I'll take a look

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bookwormmum · 25/02/2008 22:25

My dd(7) said tonight it was a waste of time people being born as they don't live long and then they die. I thought that was pretty sad.

I don't know what to say but I imagine that they're starting to grapple with ideas of mortality and where they fit in.

snottyshoulders · 25/02/2008 22:25

Have you spoken to anyone about it? Is evrything ok at home? Your relationship/her Dad's etc? It could be normal anxiety but it does sound a bit extreme, but I'm no expert....My son is also hyper imaginative (he's nearly 4) and talks about the world ending and stuff, he seems to have a troubled mind at times, even when things are great! How are you dealing with it? You must be so worried. Very difficult to deal with I imagine.
Have you asked her why it might be better to die? What are her beliefs? Has she talked about how she thinks the world might end?

hatwoman · 25/02/2008 22:25

I also agree with theyoungvisiter - kids do think about death and what it is etc.

bookwormmum · 25/02/2008 22:28

I think my dd's ideas about came from something she's heard about the last Tommy from WWI. She insisted that he was the last survivor from WW2 - I'm not sure that I was able to persuade her that this was incorrect.

Then she wanted to know what trenches were so i could see myself sitting there explaining battle strategy to her all night! Not my idea of a bedtime story .

oliviaelanasmum · 25/02/2008 22:28

Im not sure if this is at all helpfull but my mum had this problem with my brother at around the same age, he watched The Cook Report about a nuclear bomb in a suitcase and it affected him so badly he began to talk about dying and being frightened of the future. I think once he was settled by mum talking to him he was fine.

Beauregard · 25/02/2008 22:28

I can understand why you are worried Bluejelly

Is it because she has developed an understanding of death? and is scared of anything happenening?

I remember that i went through a period as a child feeling so so terrified of death.It was like peering out from the safety of childhood and getting a glimpse of adult emotions and eventualities,and god i was scared.

madrose · 25/02/2008 22:29

I don't know if this will help - but I used to get like that at that age. I remember the depth of despair I would sink into when I thought about how the world would end one day. How the sun would eventually burn up, My mum would eventually die etc. I found quiet times with my mum helped, cuddles etc. I think its the forming of ability to think deeply and the development of a social consicence, but the ability to cope/deal with the accompanying emotions is still developing.

I found the reassurance and the company of mum helpful. I did eventually grow out of it, but it did take time.

Sorry it's not much help - but I wanted you to know that you and your daughter are not alone.

Original poster
bluejelly · 25/02/2008 22:30

Oh thank you for your messages everyone.
The young visiter-- she is definitely at an age when she is coming to terms with mortality and death, so that could be why it is coming up more. Relieved to hear that you thought of death a lot but were generally cheerful otherwise.

Hatwoman that is a good idea, to channel her energies and fears into something positive. My SIL suggested the woodcraft folk but not sure if that is too extreme ( maybe I am being narrowminded!)

I have not spoken to anyone snotty. All is good at home though her dad doesn't live with us, he is working overseas and we split up a long time ago.

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UnderRated · 25/02/2008 22:33

Here's the other thread

Sounds like a different situation but at least you know you are not alone. Will post properly later.

Original poster
bluejelly · 25/02/2008 22:33

Madrose thank you for your message, made me feel like I wasn't alone. I really hope you are right and that she is just coming to terms with the real adult world, and that this is a normal process.

Oliviaelenasmum- I used to fear nuclear bombs when I was young too. I guess some things are just horrible to find out about, i don't want to wrap her in cotton wool but I wish maybe I hadn't been so graphic when talking about climate change etc!

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dizzydixies · 25/02/2008 22:34

I was apparently very depressed when I was in Primary 3, I think thats about aged 8? My best friend and her family had to move down to south wales, we lived in scotland

my friend and I had been inseperable since we were 3 and had to wear same clothes/ eat meals together etc etc they only lived a few doors down and when my dad got up to go to golf at weekend my mum banned him from opening curtains as she would see and come round, it was only about 7.30am!!

am only telling you this long yarn because when they left my world fell apart and I was too young to understand why - my mum said it was like a black cloud had come over her lovely sunny child and nothing they could do would shift it

they bought a dog and that gave me something else to focus on and care for

not am not saying you have to buy a dog but I do not remember any of this. I can't remember being sad or depressed, I only remember the day our dog arrived. Children are very susceptible to moods/worries about them and have a need to feel similar emotions to adults, they maybe just don't understand them.

she will get through this and you'll be left wondering what you were worried about. It sounds like you have a lovely dd and you have a great relationship with her - you're doing the right thing by not belittling her feelings or ignoring her questions. please be more confident in your abilities and she'll have moved onto something new soon

hth if you've made it to the end and not too bored

btw - am still in touch with my friend in wales and we had our kids at the same age and went to each others wedding - I do like a happy ending

Rhubarb · 25/02/2008 22:35

Children do go through a perfectly normal "death" phase, although it's usually a fear of a parent dying. If I were you I would ban the news from being on whilst she is up and about and keep newspapers out of her reach. I think she has been watching and reading things that have upset her. We can rationalise things like climate change, but she cannot.

Has she been at a friend's house and seen a DVD? There are loads of scare ones about apocalyse's atm, if she's seen a snippet or perhaps even heard friends discussing it, she might find it hard to remove the fiction from reality. Especially when there is so much talk of climate change atm and what the effects might be. To a small child the whole thing is very scary, hell even to a grown-up it's scary!

I would sit her down and give her the facts, then dismiss calmly some of the scare stories she might have heard. Then suggest ways in which you and she can make a difference, such as recycling, it might make her feel better to believe that she has some control over life.

Plan something nice for you to do over Easter so that she has something to look forward to. Buy her a calendar and mark out special days when she does nice things.

hatwoman · 25/02/2008 22:36

I thought about the WC folk for dds. I think they sound lovely - not extreme at all. the thing that - sadly enough - put me off - is the need (at least at our titchy local group) for parental involvement - I work and do quite a lot of other stuff and didn;t feel I could commit. bit crap of me I know. Would Brownies suit?

snottyshoulders · 25/02/2008 22:36

Good luck Blue jelly, sounds like your doing the right tthing with cuddles and reassurance and listening to her real fears. Hope she comes to terms with her thoughts, she's obviously a very bright deep thinker. Shame we don't have the answers eh? It's hard being a grown up when they think you know everything!
xx

Original poster
bluejelly · 25/02/2008 22:37

Thank you dizzydixies am definitely not bored.
Glad you found a happy ending!

We did have some g-pigs but they died not too long ago, it upset her quite a bit and she became a vegetarian.

I think she is just struggling with life, death, all these big concepts.

I keep trying to reassure her, to tell her that she has so many good times ahead of her. I hope it will get through to her in the end!

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Original poster
bluejelly · 25/02/2008 22:42

Hatwoman-- I also balked at the parental involvement issue with the woodcraft folk. I work full time and barely have enough time to clean the house/exercise/see my friends, the idea of committing to a regular arrangement with the folk did put me off.

Brownies could be a good idea tho!

Rhubarb I am going to try and keep newspapers out of sight for a while. I dont' watch the tv news in front of her, she does watch newsround however...

I don't think she has been watching any scary dvds.

And thank you snottyshoulders. Maybe it's just hard growing up sometimes!

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