OCD & memory

[Sounhappyallthetime]

Hi,

ive recently been diagnosed with postnatal OCD but I’m starting to think I’ve had this since I was a child. When I was younger I used to pray a lot with a list of my worries and I had certain words I had to say at the end of my prayers to make sure they was safe. My themes have changed a lot over the last few months and it’s just been absolute hell really.

I have always been overly concerned with not doing anything wrong but I am really struggling with memory at the moment, I feel like I need to remember every little thing that’s ever happened in my life to make sure I’ve always acted like a good person/ I’m obsessed about the world being good. I feel like I can’t raise my baby properly unless I know I’ve always been good and that the world will be good, I’ve been having a lot of intrusive thoughts around memories and the future. I feel like I’m explaining this poorly but has anyone else ever felt like this? The pressure is immense and I feel like I can’t concentrate on conversations/ work/ life because I always need to be thinking, analysing and checking. I feel my memory has gone so fuzzy I literally can’t tell what’s real and what’s an intrusive thought any more. I Don’t know what I’m hoping for i just wanted to know if anyone has ever been the same and any advice? I’m having therapy and the answer seems to be all the time for ocd that you have to learn to accept uncertainty but I just can’t seem to do that.

I’m completely the same it’s always when I’m stressed out or sleep deprived. Not having a good morning today I have been really trying to resist compulsions but I feel like if I don’t carry out the compulsion then something bad will happen and it’ll be my fault. I’ve been trying really really hard and the anxiety has eased but this morning it feels horrible I feel so guilty like im being neglectful for not carrying out a compulsion but I know I need to stop as in the long term it makes my anxiety worse. I really don’t know if I can carry on the rest of my life like this I feel like I’ll never enjoy another moment of life again because of the constant worry.

@Sounhappyallthetime I know what you mean when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and the thoughts are relentless day after day. Not knowing how long it's going to last for is tough. However i know from past experience that it does get better even if it takes a long time. My last bad episode I was off work for about 7 months and probably not fully better for well over a year. I keep reminding myself of this and I'm trying to just roll with the feelings and be patient.

@Sounhappyallthetime how have you been the last few days?

Hi @Ilovedogs1 no so great to be honest, I keep thinking back to the start of the year when I had my worst episode and I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t, i really thought what I was imagining was real and I was so sleep deprived and anxious I literally couldn’t function . With a bit of hindsight now I’m starting to realise it wasnt real but it’s scaring me how convinced I was, I feel really traumatised by it and feel like I was boderline psychotic. I keep thinking what if that happens again in the future and I go insane which is terrifying, the brain is so scary how you can be normal one minute and then in a total state the next.

I’ve been feeling so paranoid lately im in my new house and I keep worrying about the previous people having access to the house, im in a separate room now to my baby and I can’t have baby monitors because im scared of someone hacking them and knowing my baby is in a room alone so I haven’t slept much which is why I know I’m feeling worse. Just extremely tired.

how are you feeling are you doing much better?

@Sounhappyallthetime I'm having small periods of time where I feel a bit better. Very fleeting moments of calmness, literally seconds but it's there.
Majority of the time highly anxious.
I know what you mean about feeling borderline psychotic. I have all these thoughts and fears and they feel so real that I doubt myself and worry about what if they're real things that I just dont remember. I think about how if I was losing my mind I wouldn't know and how can I be sure things are safe and ok. I mean its classic OCD and deep down I know it's the illness but you get so caught up in the thoughts/feelings/doubts/fears and everything just becomes muddled.
I'm trying to not get sucked into the ruminating because I know it won't get me anywhere apart from an anxious mess.
A psychiatric nurse told me once if your worried about being psychotic then your not because you just wouldn't know.
Arghh, it's so scary how the brain can just hijack you. I like to think we're just really clever people because if we weren't we wouldn't even think to the lengths that we do. I'm trying to roll with the feelings, have a little cry here and there and hope the passage of time sorts it out. Really really hard though.

Ah I’m glad you’re getting some small periods of time you’re feeling better @Ilovedogs1 , I really really hope it’s starting to shift for you. That’s exactly my fears too, I’m lucky enough to have the best family who I love so much so I feel the need to make everything safe all the time which is exhausting, been really struggling this morning and imagining the ways they can be taken away from me ( always in the most horrific ways) which is torture and leads to compulsions that only end up leading to more what ifs. Im so so drained from it and feeling the symptoms of anxiety very physically aswell, being sick of a morning and I feel the need to shake my head when I get the thoughts.

I agree everything I’ve read says when you are in psychosis you don’t know it which is reassuring as that scares me a lot. The only thing that worries me is how true the thoughts feel and when I look back to before I was told I had ocd it scares me how much I didn’t question the thoughts I thought they were as real as the sky is blue I was that deep into it but now that i know I have ocd I am able to sometimes look into it a little deeper and see some of my behaviours are classic ocd like you say (but my brain will still fight me on it and tell me it’s not ocd the thoughts are true) . I ended up emailing ocd uk over the weekend for reassurance and they were really helpful. I hope we both get to get over this at some point I’m aware all the time how short life is and I know I’m wasting it but the thoughts are too terrifying to ignore. I also agree, I wouldn’t call myself the cleverest person but I’ve always had a personality where I have to analyse everything for example people’s reactions/ facial expressions/ tone of voice to me, I’ve never been a care free person and I think that’s definitely down to my ocd.

@Sounhappyallthetime I know its been a while but how's things now?

Ive heard that emdr can be a good option.

ACT sounds interesting though. How does that work?

Hello ladies, I have been following this thread and feel so much compassion for you. Forgive me if this sounds stupid but have you ever tried to do something to distract your thoughts? Like coloring a Mandela or knitting or going for a walk or taking up music lessons? Anything to guide your thoughts to a different place ? When I overthink I like to knit because it stops me in my tracks. Would that work for you I wonder?

Wishing you peace of mind...

I know this thread is old but @Sounhappyallthetime how are you??