You'd expect me to be overjoyed that I have a pregnancy that would seem to be working out, and may well end in a viable birth. I expect that I should be feeling like that. So I go around saying that - saying all the things you're meant to when you're pg about how it's tiring but all in a good cause etc. and "anyway I'm over the worst now" blah blah blah.
Well, that's not how I feel. I hate being pregnant. Really really hate it. I get cross cos I've had to carry both babies (and the one we lost), and I know my biology and everything, but why do I have to do both, why can't dp & I share like we do everything else? (He is being wonderful, but he can't have this baby in his tummy, which is what I really want) And I also feel completely cheated. I feel that by rights I should have a two month old baby right now, I should not be pregnant, I should have got that out of my way for life. I hate being pg. I know some pepole say it's wonderful, growing a new life, feeling special etc. Well it is wonderful, but it doesn't mean I like going through it. I don't feel particularly special, I feel crap. Usually I feel like I am a wonderful big resevoir that colleagues, students and my family can use, and I'm good at being a manager, teacher, mother, partner, daughter. Right now I feel like one tiny little alien in my belly is taking everything I have to offer and I am not able to be my usual self - the one who is special!
The lack of sleep is really getting to me. I fall aslepp but then have long sleepless spells inthe night and ds wakes between 5 & 6 anyway. I can nap in the afternoons, but that doesn't seem to refresh me much and I sleep badly whether I nap or not. When I sleep I dream about the baby sticking its limbs out so that you can see them in gruesome detail covered by my skin. When I'm awake and feeling down about being pg I get images of the baby sticking its hand down through my vagina in a sort of horror movie "let me out" kind of way.
I was fairly down after ds was born and had 3 months of counselling which didn't come to a satisfactory conclusion, and I'm so scared that I will feel the same again this time. So I am planning an 11 week maternity leave so that I can get back to being me as soon as possible. I want to have two children. I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want to have a baby. And I resent the fact that I have to go through it, all this shit.
If you've read this far, thank you, it's good just to get it off my chest. Sorry to be so needy, and sorry cos I've probably hurt people who would love to be pg and aren't. But I couldn't even face work today I'm feeling so low and I know that MN listens. Maybe even someone else has felt like this.