Pregnant after miscarriage - not what I'd expect

[fisilhohoho]

You'd expect me to be overjoyed that I have a pregnancy that would seem to be working out, and may well end in a viable birth. I expect that I should be feeling like that. So I go around saying that - saying all the things you're meant to when you're pg about how it's tiring but all in a good cause etc. and "anyway I'm over the worst now" blah blah blah.

Well, that's not how I feel. I hate being pregnant. Really really hate it. I get cross cos I've had to carry both babies (and the one we lost), and I know my biology and everything, but why do I have to do both, why can't dp & I share like we do everything else? (He is being wonderful, but he can't have this baby in his tummy, which is what I really want) And I also feel completely cheated. I feel that by rights I should have a two month old baby right now, I should not be pregnant, I should have got that out of my way for life. I hate being pg. I know some pepole say it's wonderful, growing a new life, feeling special etc. Well it is wonderful, but it doesn't mean I like going through it. I don't feel particularly special, I feel crap. Usually I feel like I am a wonderful big resevoir that colleagues, students and my family can use, and I'm good at being a manager, teacher, mother, partner, daughter. Right now I feel like one tiny little alien in my belly is taking everything I have to offer and I am not able to be my usual self - the one who is special!

The lack of sleep is really getting to me. I fall aslepp but then have long sleepless spells inthe night and ds wakes between 5 & 6 anyway. I can nap in the afternoons, but that doesn't seem to refresh me much and I sleep badly whether I nap or not. When I sleep I dream about the baby sticking its limbs out so that you can see them in gruesome detail covered by my skin. When I'm awake and feeling down about being pg I get images of the baby sticking its hand down through my vagina in a sort of horror movie "let me out" kind of way.

I was fairly down after ds was born and had 3 months of counselling which didn't come to a satisfactory conclusion, and I'm so scared that I will feel the same again this time. So I am planning an 11 week maternity leave so that I can get back to being me as soon as possible. I want to have two children. I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want to have a baby. And I resent the fact that I have to go through it, all this shit.

If you've read this far, thank you, it's good just to get it off my chest. Sorry to be so needy, and sorry cos I've probably hurt people who would love to be pg and aren't. But I couldn't even face work today I'm feeling so low and I know that MN listens. Maybe even someone else has felt like this.

i hate being pregnant too and have to say it makes me feel guilty to say it but its true. I hate for similar but slightly different reasons to you, i have had horrendus morning sickness (have medication for it)feel very tired, am grumpy and generally feel crap. I hate not being able to do things i want to do. I have never bloomed not this time or with DD, just felt crap and tired for months! Like you i think it owuld be great if men could have children too, although i think the population would shrink if they could!

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone in hating being pregnant.

pregnancy was not my best time either - I bloomed for about 2 weeks with DS1 and not at all with my twins.

Can you talk to your midwife or GP about how likely you are to get PND (after last time), or maybe look into alternative therapies. Actually go talk to them now - you may be depressed already - pre-natal depression is fairly common but hardly ever mentioned.

Also don't commit yourself to such a short maternity leave - you may find you need longer once the baby is born. Keep things as flexible as you can.

Hi there fisil.

it might help you to have a look at this thread from a few months back, chock full of MNetters who found PG stressful/miserable etc. and rest assured that you are far from being the only person who wanted to lamp the next person who said you looked blooming!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=49&threadid=34763

(sorry I am so crap at links)

will come back soon and do a proper reply to you

{hugs} fisil
I understand completely about hating being pregnant. I do not bloom either. I feel rotten for the whole 9 months and I know that the first 2 years are going to be hard because people keep telling me so but I am trying to keep that 2 year mark in my mind. We will both have our two children then, and the babies will be lovely. Think little vests...better go, someone is awake. {hugs} again.

Have you looked at \link{http://www.unplannedpregnancies.co.uk/\Rhubarb's site?} Particularly the bit on \link{http://www.unplannedpregnancies.co.uk/Antenatal_depression.html\antenatal depression}

Don't worry about what other poeple think.

Just to say like the others i also hated being pregnant. This time last year we went to my parents for Xmas and my sister was pregnant too. She loved the whole comparing bumps, baby clothes, discussing which pram/cot etc etc to have. I hated it. I remember sullenly agreeing to a photo of us standing sidewards with our bumps and thinking I wanted to be anywhere else. Now that we have our babies I still hate all the how long does he sleep for/what does he eat conversations!!! I just can't help it so your definitely not alone honey

i think throckenrobin is probably right - that it probably would be worth while having a chat now to whoever is likely to be most helpful of your MW/HV/GP as it sounds like you are quite down, and it's hard to say whether the sleeplessness is getting you down, or whether you are finding it hard to sleep because you are down. The stat for ante-natal depression is 1/10 - i.e surprisingly high, and something there is zero awareness of!

I think you might find it helpful (if you've not done so already) to start looking at how you will build in some you time after the birth - do you have helpful dh/family?

In terms of avoiding PND - there are lots of different types of counsellors/counselling - so it might be that doing something different might help - I had a fairly disastrous attempt at counselling during PG with "inner child therapy" which I loathed so I sympathise on that score, but other types can be a lot more helpful. Also you might find it useful as throckenrobin suggested to look at other alternative remedies - another MNetter is intending to take fish oils as they are reputed to be helpful in staving off PND. There has also been a thread where somebody wants to eat their placenta as they have heard that is helpful at preventing PND (but possibly that might be on the erm alternative side of alternative for you!)

sorry to ramble on and hope you feel a bit better soon

Thanks for that link MummytoSteven, I have just read through the whole thread and have tears pouring down my face. I love MN - it is so important to know you're not alone, and to see names here, and there, of people I admire and think are real "copers". I thought I'd done the last remaining taboo when I went through a mc - but clearly the pg is a major taboo too!

Thanks everyone else. Off to follow up the other links too.

I know it is so horrible when you feel like the only PG woman in the world who isn't full of joy etc etc etc.

Another thing that I don't think anyone has mentioned is that PG after m/c can be very stressful, and a particular flashpoint in terms of feeling very anxious in the first trimester, as you lose your sense of security that everything will be fine after having the m/c, and in terms of throwing up a lot of the feelings of grief etc that you have about the m/c in general.

I have found this pregnancy VERY difficult.
I have calmed down a bit the last few weeks but before that, i was ratty-angry and basically resentful of the fact that i've had my whole life taken over. (AND it was planned which made me feel even more guilty). DP was at a loss how to help me and the most devestating thing was people saying to my dd (aged 3), mammy can't do this/mammy can't do that. DD is my life and i really felt that i was losing our relationship!

I'm 30 weeks now and alot better but it's definately NOT what i expected!

Love and hugs to you fisil!++++++++++++++

logic, I'm finding the 2 year thing useful. If I think about what was happening 2 years ago I can't believe it was that long - it seems like only yesterday. So I can manage to find an uplifting thought in that - two years is not such a long time in the grand scheme of things (but a bugger of a long time to live through!)

I haven't been contacted by my hv yet, but she was excellent last time after ds was born - so maybe I'll give her a ring.

Thanks again.

fisil ...
I really feel for you and I really really understand what you are going through. I felt very similar to how you are feeling when I was pregnant with DD. I too had had a miscarriage before I got pg with her and had obsessed about getting pregnant again .... and then when I was pregnant I was miserable. I was terribly sick with morning sickness and resented every minute and then felt guilty for feeling resentful. I felt guilty about feeling like that because of all the people out there who would give their right arm to be pregnant. I felt guilty about DS for bringing a baby into his life. I was fat, suffered from SPD, heartburn, didn't sleep, was scared of losing the baby, was scared of the birth, was terrified of having PND again. I used to have these awful delirious dream type things where I would wake up in the night in a panic because I hadn't taken a pill that I thought I should take to keep the baby inside me ... A few times I woke up rummaging in the medicine cabinet looking for this 'pill' ... god knows what could have happened if I had found something and taken it in my sleep . People would touch my bump and tell me their horror stories (one person scared the sh*t out of me by telling me all about someone whose c-section scar had ruptured in labour .... )
The only thing I liked about pregnancy was the fact my hair was in great condition ... and I did love it when the baby moved ... but that was it.
I had a fantastic midwife that took me through every step of the way ... she was really supportive and listened to all my worries went out of her way to make life easier for me (they have a very excellent continuous care policy in New Zealand ... ) perhaps it may be worth you investigating a doula or something, someone that knows what they are talking about who can be with you through your worries???
I know that the birth seems a hundred years away for you and that you won't believe me when I say this (I thought 'yeah, right!' when people said this to me) but I can honestly say that the very minute DD was born all those feelings went away. They truly did and DD and I have had a ball ever since (most of the time )
Someone said to me once, "What is the point of having children if you hate being pregnant so much" ... my answer to that was, "Pregnancy is awful for me, but 9 months is only a tiny bit of being a mother ... for me pregnancy is a means to an end (ie, having a child) ... "
I very much felt when I was pregnant and felt after the birth that no matter what the baby was like (didn't sleep, crying all the time) anything was better than being pregnant... and it was.
I would love to have another baby ... I would love to have 3 or 4 children in total but the thought of being pregnant again stops any broody feelings I may have.
Hang in there darling, keep talking ...
Hugs {{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

fisil, sending you lots of love. CAT me if you like. My pregnancy after losing Tom was a total nightmare from start to finish and only three things got me through:
a) more counselling
b) a SANDs "pregnancy after a loss" support group
c) support on-site and off from Mumsnetters who understood or who had been through the same
I had nightmares about dd before she was born, I was convinced I wouldn't love her, was actually relieved that she spent 48 hrs in SCBU (once we knew she was basically fine and they were just being very cautious) so that I would not have to hold, look at or feed her.
And now I feel fine and we all love her to bits. I wanted two children too but still feel we paid a high price emotionally to get there.
Your post rang all sorts of bells. I really hope Mumsnet can be the support to you it was to me.

fisil, just to let you know I'm thinking of you. Don't let your previous m/c make you feel guilty eitehr about the way you're feeling right now - every now and then I think about how old my babies would be - but then I wouldn't have my dd and I wouldn't be about to meet this little one very soon.
It's a tough one because you're so thrilled to BE pregnant, but it's everything else that goes with pregnancy.
Hope you're looking after yourself and geting some well deserved 'me-time' too. That's so so important, now and after the little one arrives.

Thanks again everyone. I rang hv - she remembered me & ds! She was really good and has booked for the other hv to come round (who was my actual hv last time - the one I spoke to today was a student when ds was born) and has booked me a double appointment with a GP too. I felt so much better I then slept for 4 hours!

glad you had a good sleep!

i'm glad that you feel better, fisil...

fisil, I can't offer the sort of excellent advice that other people have but I hated being pregnant and am not that enamoured of small babies either!
(There, I've admitted it!)

I did not enjoy being preg because I had a stillbirth 14 years ago and with each of my pregs worried myself sick to the point where I wouldnt buy any baby stuff.With my dd1 I was preg again very quickly after the stillbirth and found myself thinking about the baby I should have had instead of the baby I was carrying.I ended up being diagnosed with ante-natal depression and I wonder if you may have th same?Im glad your hv is coming, my hv visited me at home during my preg with dd2 in july and has continued to visit afterwards as I am suffering from pnd.The earlier you address your feelings the easier they can be to resolve.I hope it goes well,How preg are you btw?

HOw are you today, fisil?

Has anyone mentioned this site? It's about depression in pregnancy.

Fisil - i hate being pregnant too - and am getting no sleep from toddler,,,

Sympathies

contact me offline if you like as I have been feling very similar to how you describe and have had great support from my gp
starting to feel a lot better now (despiite high bp, protein in urine and all that malrky)

I'm at work right now - so feeling better, obviously. But then it was only a half day cos I had my scan this morning. Hopefully that will make my anxiety a little better (although I started worrying almost as soon as I got in the car - along the lines of "I know it was fine 10 mintues ago but you can die at any time"). We were also fairly convinced by what we saw that it is a boy, which is wonderful news as I would have been very anxious about having a girl.

Most people at work have been fantastic and have told me to take the whole day off tomorrow to have my appointments. Just my boss was a little "short", but then again I've not given her much detail as she is of the "pull yourself together" school - not very helpful.

Thanks again for your support.

thanks popsy - didn't see that second message before I posted. I might do that (if I get the time and energy). I'd like to know how work have been to you - and how you cope with work (cos it's not exactly a job you can go into if you're tired and feeling unhappy & tearful!)

i have been on the sick for months........