I wish I could just disappear, to have never have existed.
I cause so many people so many problems and I know if I was to do something to myself I'd just cause so many more problems and issues to the people I care about more than I already am, I just want to have never existed so I can't cause anyone any more problems or issues.
I can't seem to stop being a problem, I can manage for a while but then I just manage to mess stuff up again. People are forever having to sort out the issues I cause, apologise on my behalf, sort it out on my behalf so no one suffers and I just don't know how to not be like this.
I've attempted suicide in the past and I know that if I share these feelings with anyone then people are going to panic and think I'm going to do it again, but I can't because that'll just cause other people to clean up my mess yet again.
I've lost a huge presence in my life in the last week that helped me cope, and although people say talk to me or we're here for you it's just loading stuff onto them and that's not fair is it? That presence was my outlet and where I confided everything, the one on my team so to speak, and I don't have that with anyone, they all have their own problems to deal with, without mine.
I don't know what to do. I just want to stop, I can't be ok and normal and if I take myself out of the picture well that's just more mess for other people to deal with. I don't know what to do.