I just want to disappear

[Worthlessthannothing]

I wish I could just disappear, to have never have existed.
I cause so many people so many problems and I know if I was to do something to myself I'd just cause so many more problems and issues to the people I care about more than I already am, I just want to have never existed so I can't cause anyone any more problems or issues.

I can't seem to stop being a problem, I can manage for a while but then I just manage to mess stuff up again. People are forever having to sort out the issues I cause, apologise on my behalf, sort it out on my behalf so no one suffers and I just don't know how to not be like this.

I've attempted suicide in the past and I know that if I share these feelings with anyone then people are going to panic and think I'm going to do it again, but I can't because that'll just cause other people to clean up my mess yet again.

I've lost a huge presence in my life in the last week that helped me cope, and although people say talk to me or we're here for you it's just loading stuff onto them and that's not fair is it? That presence was my outlet and where I confided everything, the one on my team so to speak, and I don't have that with anyone, they all have their own problems to deal with, without mine.

I don't know what to do. I just want to stop, I can't be ok and normal and if I take myself out of the picture well that's just more mess for other people to deal with. I don't know what to do.

You need to speak to a professional about how you feel. GP? On any treatment?
How are you “messing up”?
im sorry for your loss.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Wishing you all the best

I'm not on anything at the moment, I was on citalopram because I think I'm starting with peri menopause and was having some anxiety but it upset my stomach and I stopped taking it as I need to go to work. I'm having other physical symptoms around my periods but all bloods were negative so it's probably mental health again. Really hard to get an appointment, can't really take time off work because again, that's letting people down.

I'm just not great at being a person I don't think, I try and do the best I can and people are patient with me but I know they're frustrated with me because I can't cope with normal stuff that other people find easy and I don't want to make people feel that way.
I don't want to be like this, I just want to be normal but I don't really know how if that makes sense?
I Knock stuff over and am really bad at expressing myself, often told I look miserable even when I'm not, when I seem to be doing ok and just come across as incompetent and a bit pathetic I think, no matter how hard I try and this has just floored me and I'm all over the place, I'm bad enough when I feel on an even keel but when something else goes wrong yet again I lose it and can't cope and then just look like an idiot.

I just think if I weren't here at all and never had been, people's lives would be so much more straightforward. I'm always fighting to be normal and appear like a grown up and usually fall short somewhere and I'm just really tired of fighting.

Please get the help.you need . We all make mistakes . Don't be so hard on yourself . I just hope there is someone you can reach out to xx

Honestly you need to go back to your GP. The right meds and therapy can be life changing.

Meds and therapy aren't miracles, they won't suddenly make me a normal person or competent. I've tried them and they just numb the emotions at being so pathetic at life, they don't make me a better person.
I don't want to be this person but nothing I've tried in 40 odd years, meds, therapy, learning, trying until I'm exhausted have made any difference.
And the one thing I had where I felt I was a success, is gone. It was a one off thing and a fluke because that presence was as much of a misfit as me, and we fitted together. Now it's gone and I'm back to fitting nowhere.

I am no medic but the right meds can help. I am not clear why you don’t think you’re normal (who are you comparing yourself to?) or competent (what do you mess up?)
What were you a success at? Why can’t you return to it?
You sound sad and depressed and like you have low self esteem. Not abnormal and incompetent.

I felt like this and I was diagnosed with autism. Not saying you have it but you sound a lot like me.

You need to keep reminding yourself that your feelings about the world being better off without you are a symptom of your illness. Depression is an illness for which you need to seek treatment. Although I know how hard it is to get any help from the NHS at present. You can self refer to NHS talking therapies, you don’t need a GP referral.

Hi, you sound like someone I used to know, called Lucy...

You do sound autistic OP. Maybe you could look into it. Maybe you’re not great at life but it’s because you’re in the wrong environment, surrounded by people who aren’t on your wavelength. Maybe your very very good at being autistic🙂.

I bet that person who’s no longer there thought you were brilliant. I’ve had a few of those kinds of people in my life and when I’m with them I feel good about myself, like I suddenly have a good personality and a sense of humour. I’ve had to move away from the place my friends live to a place that’s very neurotypical. Or maybe it’s just that everyone is trying very very hard to feel normal. You know, if you lived by me I would absolutely love it if you didn’t try to act normal because then I would feel less alone.

If it makes you feel any better I’m the sad loser living in my mother’s attic room, with chronic fatigue and no job. The person I confided in has had two heart attacks so I can’t tell him my tales of woe anymore!

I’m not a grown up either and I’m 51. Who cares?

I was like uou and then they diagnosed me with pmdd I now take aertraline and hormone pills and that has evened everything out. I still have issues but I don't have the overarching doom.

Honestly I thought the same about meds, I was on mirtazipine for ages which did eff all, the only good thing about it was it helped me sleep. I am trying a different one after a bit of a crisis and it really has helped the anxiety. Specifically the catastrophising (probably wrong spelling). I used to be in a state of panic if my kids were like 10 minutes late imagining all sorts, but even after a couple of weeks I feel a bit more rational.

Do go back to your doctors, honestly I'm very sceptical about meds, but tbh it's worth a go.

Fwiw I think I am probably autistic but could not even slightly cope with the hoops that are required to be diagnosed. Is there anywhere you could reach out to? It's hard at the moment because services are just firefighting, dealing with the most serious cases.

If you feel desperate phone the crisis service, you might have a wait but they are very good.