Increasingly dark place post marital separation

[PotsnPan]

I’ve posted on here a few times, please don’t pile on if my previous posts have annoyed you.

I’m in an extremely dark place, separated 11 weeks ago today. The depression is getting more severe; been on mirtazapine for 3 weeks now. I’ve started having constant thoughts of harming myself. I’m in contact with nhs professionals but I just feel as though I’ve died inside.

I’ve always been such a strong confident woman - I am no longer myself. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

there’s no other woman, he just doesn’t love me or want to be with me any more. Together 13 years, married just over 4. I’ve begged him to reconsider several times, he refuses and is really nasty about it, told me to throw myself in a river today.

can’t stop looking at couples around me, I just want to stay at home and die tbh. The thought of my DD is no longer a protective factor, I’ve driven her away from me.

is it normal to feel like this? I’m so scared, nothing is getting better for me, it’s just getting worse and I feel completely worthless

I’m sorry you are feeling so sad and everything is so dark for you The only thing I could suggest is for you to call the crisis team and let them know you are having suicidal thoughts, maybe you need a different prescription to help you through .
Also call the Samaritans so you have someone to talk to who is un judgmental, you can talk to them as often as you want to, they won’t hang up on you.
Your future self really wants you to get better, hang on to that.

@PotsnPan big hugs hun, i remember your previous posts. You should ring your doctors and tell them how your feeling, don’t ring your husband because deep down he will be loving it x

Your focussing on the door just closed.
Write a list of new doors you want to open.

Whilst a relationship brings positives, they also involve degrees of compromise and the need to invest time and energy.
Think of what you can now do with all that new time and energy!
And the good thing is the list doesn't need to be run by anyone, it's 100% your life choices.

Always fancied visiting somewhere but your partner wasn't keen? Just go there tomorrow!

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I don't have much helpful advice but am in a similar situation myself, except my wife left me for someone else. Someone she'd known a week on holiday. This happened 8 weeks ago and they're now living together, I and the other rejected wife have received divorce petitions already, and my wife and her new girlfriend are being super aggressive and unpleasant about everything, from child arrangements to finances. It's all so grim and I feel I'm grieving the loss of the person I loved, the person I thought my wife was. I don't know who the current version of her is.

It's been the worst few weeks of my life. Like you, I have considered ending it all. But I couldn't do that because of the kids. And actually I've found some anger now too and wouldn't give STBXW the satisfaction. What is helping a bit is counselling, which I've just started. I have bad days where I can't see any future, and better days where I know that if she be so callous and cruel, I'm better off without her. But I still miss her so much.

Most things get better eventually. This too shall pass. You have to focus on the small things each day that you can take some pleasure from. Your child. You must look after yourself and feed yourself properly. Do you have supportive friends/family?

However you are feeling right now, even if this depression isn’t letting you realise it and you’re so weary of everything, you do matter. There is no one right way to process everything you’ve experienced, it’s grief and feeling so low and weary of it all isn’t surprising. I echo a previous Mumsnetter in saying call the Samaritans , freephone on 116123. You will be heard. You can do that, you took time and effort to write your feelings down here, you could do it again in a phone call. Phone them and that’d be a solid first step.

I have been there twice once after 9 years and once after two years (when pregnant)

All I can say is it does get better. I'm still in the heartbreak zone from the second time, but knowing I got better once before is keeping me going (and my lovely baby).

There is so so so much more to this world and to your life than this man I promise you. There is so much happiness to be had. This won't last forever. Please do seek counselling and treat yourself like you would a good friend going through this. You won't feel better by tomorrow, but by next year and the year after I promise you will xxx

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly

How are you today op? Hope you managed to get some support.