Randomly burst into tears in public today

[Nojumpingorrunning]

I feel like over the past weeks I’ve been getting really stressed, overwhelmed and sort of weirdly disassociated. I’ve done a few strange, impulsive things too. Kind of throwing money that I don’t have at things.

Anyway, at a busy London station today I felt like I was about to burst into tears at any moment. My chest was tight and heavy and my eyes started filling up and I just stood there for ages with tears running down my face trying to compose myself. Found a quiet area after a good 5 minutes then went and got a drink etc. I can’t really describe how I’ve felt since, like I’m not in my body or not ‘me’. I’m currently away for work and I honestly could just leave all my bags here and run to the station and go home in my pyjamas.

I don’t know what is happening to me or what to do. I’m by myself. My DH is at home with my small DCs who I’m missing horribly. I have a history of depression and am already on medication, I realise that ‘you might be depressed , see a GP’ will probably be the first advice!

I don’t really know what I want from this post but I’m on my own in a hotel and lonely and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve just ‘broken’ somehow today.

OP I really hope you are feeling much better now.

@motherofkevinnotperry would you mind saying more about your recovery and what helped. I have a history of anxiety and depression after pnd originally but had been well for a number of years until a horrible relapse in March which I'm still in the depths of. What you wrote really rang true to me.

I had a full on break down about 10 years ago and recovery was slow. I took time off work (about 6 mths). I went to my gp and was put on meds, I did counselling for months. I got up and showered every day. I put a nice perfume on and clean clothes (pj's to begin with). Sometimes this took me all day! I did mind space meditations twice a day. I forced myself to walk twice a day for 2 miles regardless of the weather. This was usually at quite times to avoid people and I went swimming 3 times a week. I stopped watching news and came off social media. I only watched feel good tv and films. I tried not to oversleep but I did nap if I was tired. I read books, started painting and crafts and absorbed myself in these. I cut out alcohol and ate good whole foods. I took a good D vit and B vit. I eventually began to reintroduce myself into the world and made time to spend with good trusted friends (I cut out toxic). I cried and cried and cried some more.

Since then I have had 2 relapses in ten years. Both times I take time off work as soon as I realise (panic attacks begin and don't go away) and only a month has been needed. I tell my family and friends what I need and why they're great at supporting me by being loving and positive. They also sometimes give me a good kick up the bum. I ask for help if I need it, I don't allow myself to wallow. I up the exercise and fresh air. Eat healthy, no alcohol, good vitamins. Block social media. I get showered, nice smelling body lotion, dressed, hair done, makeup on, nails etc every day regardless of how I feel. I find a project, for me it's usually crafting, gardening or decorating a space. Sometimes it's just catching up on tv or getting control of running the house and admin again. I organise to see and do things with people I love. I fake it and eventually I make it. It can take months but I keep the faith and one step in front of the other. I am on low dose anti depressants and probably will be for life which really help me do what I need to to get well again.

It doesn't just happen, you have to be proactive and take action even if that action is to sleep, rest and be kind to you. You do it with purpose and yes it's a struggle and hard work. Good luck and you can do it.

I also had PND and PTSD from childhood issues (nothing overly awful just an amalgamation of things). The PTSD I think was made worse or triggered by my birth experience. It's all managed now except for the odd occasion when something happens like a bereavement or hugely stressful event and it starts up.

Thank you so much @motherofkevinnotperry
There is so much useful info in your post.
When you had the relapses in last 10 years had you reduced your medication or was it just one of those things. Really interesting that you took quick action with those and recovery was shorter. Thanks again. It feels so much less lonely when you can read about other peoples similar experiences.

OP if you are still reading thread I hope things have settled for you.

Probably a mix of both on and off. I come out the other end and don't fall down the hole so fast than when I'm on meds.

One time was 2 sick elderly parents for years (my and my husbands dad's), both had cancer, both died within 3 months of each other. I was self employed and applying for new contracts. My youngest child was also v sick and I was juggling everything. I had to act fast as I couldn't allow myself to get really unwell again. Too many people relying on me. A really exceptional time.

The relapses I can put down to too much stress for too long. The last one was during covid when I was working full time (v stressful job!), home schooling two children and had 3 elderly people depending on me, all loving alone. Then peri menopause hit and I got covid. I recovered from covid physically but my MH didn't had become overwhelmed. It was another exceptional time and again others relying on me so I had to do what was needed to get better fast.

I have a stressful life and I'm currently going through another very difficult time which you wouldn't believe if I told you. These situations seem to find me. Each time it happens I learn more about what's needed and become stronger.

Thank you @motherofkevinnotperry
That sounds scarily familiar. I hope the current situation resolved quickly for you.
Do you mind sharing what medication you take.
(I'm currently on an increased dose of tricyclic which I've been on a low dose of for a long time but may need to look to switch if no improvements soon.)

Propranolol did nothing on its own. Prozac increases my anxiety but was great for mood. Citalopram helped with my mood but again didn't really address my anxiety. It's the 2nd best option. Sertraline really helps me with the anxiety but I do get spells of numbness which I just manage. It's the panic and anxiety that's unbearable. I was getting 20+ panic attacks a day at my worst. It was horrific. Sertraline also helps with the peri menopause/hormonal aspects such as palpations, panic, sweats etc.

It took a long time to settle down (over 12 weeks) and I had a very rough time between 4-10 weeks of starting on Sertraline. I was on anti sickness meds, propranolol and then diazepam for really bad days to get me through the side effects.

That's really helpful @motherofkevinnotperry - thank you

Interesting perspective @motherofkevinnotperry thanks for the detailed info

I did go home. Totally bizarrely I came down with a stomach bug, which made the decision for me! Weird how things work. I was off work a few days and slept and slept. Done some thinking and resetting. Feel better for now but I need to make some more fundamental changes.

Glad you've had some rest @Nojumpingorrunning
Hope you come up with some answers and changes that work for you.
I really really wish I'd done the same earlier to stop me falling into full on breakdown.