Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

Stuck between family and husband

33 replies

RedLister · 28/05/2023 12:31

I’m new here and I apologise for the long post. I really don’t know what to do anymore and can’t keep living like this.
I have been married for 27 years and have a 23 year old daughter, she is just about to finish university.
My husband has always been controlling although he doesn’t see it and he often gets funny or angry with me when i go out without him. He is never violent but it’s just the moods and he threatens to take stuff off me like my phone or ways of communication with anyone else.
He also has a big problem with my sister and this has now got worse.
He refuses to let me see her or talk to her unless i do things for him. He is obsessed with me doing porn or being a cam girl and i don’t want to do any of this. He had a sort of fall out with her over 10 years ago and i only have his word on what happened but he uses this against me and says he doesn’t want her here or if i want to go out with her he says i’d rather be with her than him.
He says his parents never went out without each other but his dad took his mom out for meals or holidays, we don’t do this as he can’t leave the house due to his health. So i never go out apart from to work.
My daughter feels like our family is divided and often sees my mom and dad and sister and i don’t tell my husband
For some reason he would go mad if he knew and i am too scared to tell him.
I have upset my daughter by not going out with her when my sister is going and she thinks i put his feelings before hers, but i can’t tell her the reason as i don’t want her to think bad of her dad. I just don’t tell him that these things are planned and then tell her i can’t go and it’s breaking my heart to keep upsetting her.
She is graduating soon and obviously her dad won’t be able to go. I want to go and she wants me too but she also wants my parents and sister there and that will make him mad. I don’t even know why and i don’t know what to do. i am scared if i mention this to him he will just make my life a misery so it doesn’t happen and then she will be so upset
I feel like I can’t please both of them and don’t know how to solve it. No one knows what he is like and i can’t explain, but i can’t keep letting her down all the time and he will just accuse me of putting others before him.
He has mental health issues and control issues and it’s very scary for me.
He currently has no idea how our daughter feels or how i feel because i am too scared to tell him and don’t know how to start the conversation

OP posts:
Original poster
RedLister · 28/05/2023 12:35

He also gets mad at me if I don’t wear what he tells me. He moans if my skirt is not short enough and pulls it up, he wants me to wear see thru tops when my parents visit and once when i covered it cos i was embarrassed he went crazy at me after they left. He went to bed said we were finished and was just generally angry.
I feel like I just don’t have a life anymore

OP posts:
Frogsdinner · 29/05/2023 11:17

He is an absolute evil, controlling, nasty, misogynistic twat. You are better than him, please leave and find some happiness.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 29/05/2023 11:20

OP.
Your mental health would improve massively if you were rid of this man. He's an extreme bully, controlling and intimidating you.. What is worse is that you are prioritising his unreasonable demands over your daughter's life and her relationship with you.
You have family and I presume they can see some of his awful behaviour. Now is the time to "get your ducks in a row" - get support from those who really love and care for you and leave him. Nobody should live in fear like this from another human being.
Who in your family would best support you?

2chocolateoranges · 29/05/2023 11:20

What does he bring to this relationship?

by the sound of it nothing positive. Please set yourself free and leave him, you deserve to be happy, make your own choices and see your family.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 29/05/2023 11:21

Op sadly you are in an abusive relationship.. Please give yourself permission to leave. Nobody at all will blame you. You aren't responsible for his health, physical or mh at all either.. I bet your dd and dsis will help you pack..

AgnesX · 29/05/2023 11:57

RedLister · 28/05/2023 12:35

He also gets mad at me if I don’t wear what he tells me. He moans if my skirt is not short enough and pulls it up, he wants me to wear see thru tops when my parents visit and once when i covered it cos i was embarrassed he went crazy at me after they left. He went to bed said we were finished and was just generally angry.
I feel like I just don’t have a life anymore

Jesus wept. What on earth are you doing staying with this mean minded nasty little man.

Please think, seriously, about how you can leave.

ApolloandDaphne · 29/05/2023 12:32

You need to get out ASAP and reconnect with your DD and your family. He sounds horrific.

ItsCalledAConversation · 29/05/2023 12:36

Why are you with him?

Original poster
RedLister · 29/05/2023 12:54

Yes I know the graduation is important and I have no intention of letting my daughter down
I just fear the reaction and him ruining the day when we get back
leaving is not that easy as my job is here, he doesn’t work but has no family and no where to go
Even our daughter says he wouldn’t cope alone
His parents both died of cancer within a few years of each other and he recently nearly died from Covid. We thought this would change his outlook on life but tbh he has got worse since this scare

OP posts:
peachgreen · 29/05/2023 13:08

He is abusing you. Please call Women’s Aid for advice on how to rid yourself of this vile man.

Lavenderflower · 29/05/2023 13:15

I think you need to re-consider your relationship particularly as it is causing friction in your relationship with your daughter. I think you need to consider how this is impacting on her.

Goldbar · 29/05/2023 13:51

RedLister · 29/05/2023 12:54

Yes I know the graduation is important and I have no intention of letting my daughter down
I just fear the reaction and him ruining the day when we get back
leaving is not that easy as my job is here, he doesn’t work but has no family and no where to go
Even our daughter says he wouldn’t cope alone
His parents both died of cancer within a few years of each other and he recently nearly died from Covid. We thought this would change his outlook on life but tbh he has got worse since this scare

Pity or a misguided sense of responsibility are not good reasons to stay in a relationship with someone who abuses you the way that he does. You deserve to live your life well and for you. I can't remember who said this, but relationships are voluntary, they are not prison sentences. They should add to not detract from your life.

TwilightSkies · 29/05/2023 13:51

leaving is not that easy as my job is here, he doesn’t work but has no family and no where to go

Those things don’t have to stop you leaving. Unless you choose to let them.

The only way you till ever break free is if you stop making excuses.

Do you even WANT the relationship to end?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 29/05/2023 13:55

OP, he is abusive. It doesn't matter if he can't cope alone. You are not responsible for him. You deserve better. Please make a plan for how to leave. You don't have to live like this any more.

SerafinasGoose · 29/05/2023 15:02

If you’re in a relationship because you feel sorry for a person, you’ll end up sorry for yourself.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 29/05/2023 15:04

SerafinasGoose · 29/05/2023 15:02

If you’re in a relationship because you feel sorry for a person, you’ll end up sorry for yourself.

I think that's probably true. But in any case, the OP's husband has lost his right to be pitied by being abusive towards her. He deserves nothing.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/05/2023 15:50

That is chilling to read, he's trying to get you to wear provocative clothes when your parents come round?? What is he trying to tell them, and you? That you will do whatever he says no matter how embarrassing? That you are his toy? I actually feel sick reading that. And he's trying to push you into sex work- so he can get off on you being degraded? Or for the money? That's so grim.
He's an evil abuser.
You have family, a job, earning capacity, you can walk away. Surely anything is better than living in that hell. What happens to him is not your problem, he has chosen to bully and degrade you, he doesn't care about you or your daughter.
Go to DDs graduation, and find somewhere else to live. If you need help, Women's Aid can give advice. But get out of there.

Original poster
RedLister · 29/05/2023 15:57

DelphiniumBlue · 29/05/2023 15:50

That is chilling to read, he's trying to get you to wear provocative clothes when your parents come round?? What is he trying to tell them, and you? That you will do whatever he says no matter how embarrassing? That you are his toy? I actually feel sick reading that. And he's trying to push you into sex work- so he can get off on you being degraded? Or for the money? That's so grim.
He's an evil abuser.
You have family, a job, earning capacity, you can walk away. Surely anything is better than living in that hell. What happens to him is not your problem, he has chosen to bully and degrade you, he doesn't care about you or your daughter.
Go to DDs graduation, and find somewhere else to live. If you need help, Women's Aid can give advice. But get out of there.

reading replies like this put it all in to perspective for me
sometimes you just can’t see it from the inside
it is hell and I dread everyday knowing what I am wearing is wrong or all he cares about is how my ass and boobs look.

OP posts:
Duckingella · 29/05/2023 15:58

What he's doing is not only abuse but illegal;he could actually be sent to prison for coercive control.

You owe him nothing;he is draining every ounce of life from you.You are a prisoner in your own home.You can't see your family or have friends.

Where he lives:not your issue.
His financial position:not your issue.
He can't cope alone:not your issue.

Your daughter is an adult so you can cut him off and never see or speak to him again.

Leave.Please leave.

SallyWD · 29/05/2023 16:15

Oh God! I replied to your other post but had no idea just how evil he was. The sexual stuff and controlling what you wear is extremely abusive.
I don't often say this but you need to leave him. You simply can't continue like this. Please contact women's aid for advice.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2023 16:18

He is absolutely disgusting. You have to end this relationship. Of course he will manage on his own. Be prepared for all his false promises and threats of suicide etc. I have a mental checklist and as he threatens everything tick it off in your head.

SallyWD · 29/05/2023 16:24

It really sent a shiver down my spine to read that he wants you to wear sexual clothing in front of your parents and then got angry when you tried to cover yourself. What sort of disgusting animal is he?! This is really fucked up. I've never heard of anyone doing that before. And wanting you to be a "cam girl". He just really wants to sexually degrade you in front of others, doesn't he? I feel sick at the thought of you staying with him. He sounds dangerous and unhinged.

shadypines · 01/06/2023 03:34

Christ almighty I can't find words for this guy, any sane person wouldn't treat an animal like this idiot is treating you.

MintJulia · 01/06/2023 04:30

Frogsdinner · 29/05/2023 11:17

He is an absolute evil, controlling, nasty, misogynistic twat. You are better than him, please leave and find some happiness.

This.

As soon as you said 'I'm scared,....' that's the point at which leaving is the only sensible thing to do. Please ask your family for help. Don't worry about your dd. At 23, she already knows her df is an evil controlling bastard. It's time to put yourself first.

And please, be careful xx

CrazyArmadilloLady · 01/06/2023 04:36

My God. What have I just read?

This is so far from normal, it’s untrue.

Your life is awful. It would be immeasurably better if you left this awful man. Why, just why are you with him?

This is not a relationship.

Please leave, and soon. There is not one single reason to stay. He can’t cope? Fuck him. He deserves nothing.