Stuck between family and husband

[RedLister]

I’m new here and I apologise for the long post. I really don’t know what to do anymore and can’t keep living like this.
I have been married for 27 years and have a 23 year old daughter, she is just about to finish university.
My husband has always been controlling although he doesn’t see it and he often gets funny or angry with me when i go out without him. He is never violent but it’s just the moods and he threatens to take stuff off me like my phone or ways of communication with anyone else.
He also has a big problem with my sister and this has now got worse.
He refuses to let me see her or talk to her unless i do things for him. He is obsessed with me doing porn or being a cam girl and i don’t want to do any of this. He had a sort of fall out with her over 10 years ago and i only have his word on what happened but he uses this against me and says he doesn’t want her here or if i want to go out with her he says i’d rather be with her than him.
He says his parents never went out without each other but his dad took his mom out for meals or holidays, we don’t do this as he can’t leave the house due to his health. So i never go out apart from to work.
My daughter feels like our family is divided and often sees my mom and dad and sister and i don’t tell my husband
For some reason he would go mad if he knew and i am too scared to tell him.
I have upset my daughter by not going out with her when my sister is going and she thinks i put his feelings before hers, but i can’t tell her the reason as i don’t want her to think bad of her dad. I just don’t tell him that these things are planned and then tell her i can’t go and it’s breaking my heart to keep upsetting her.
She is graduating soon and obviously her dad won’t be able to go. I want to go and she wants me too but she also wants my parents and sister there and that will make him mad. I don’t even know why and i don’t know what to do. i am scared if i mention this to him he will just make my life a misery so it doesn’t happen and then she will be so upset
I feel like I can’t please both of them and don’t know how to solve it. No one knows what he is like and i can’t explain, but i can’t keep letting her down all the time and he will just accuse me of putting others before him.
He has mental health issues and control issues and it’s very scary for me.
He currently has no idea how our daughter feels or how i feel because i am too scared to tell him and don’t know how to start the conversation

Sorry, I couldn't read and run. This sounds truly awful. I hope you can find the courage to leave this man you are worth so much more than this x

Oh my goodness, you poor love. Honestly, would you be happy if your daughter ends up in a relationship like this? If you wouldn't want it for her, why are you accepting it for yourself?

Also, if you teach her that this is normal, she IS more likely to end up in an abusive relationship too.

By the way your husband is absolutely terrified of you leaving him. He knows he'd be totally on his own, and no one would bother with him. He sounds like a horrific human being.

Speak to your family about what is happening. Tell your daughter the truth. You and she deserve help.

This is so disturbing to read. OP, I hope Women's Aid can give you some advice. You are being abused.

Finally people are reading this extremely disturbing thread. I truly hope OP takes note and leaves him. She sounds too scared to do that though.

Tell your sister and daughter all of this you need to rally support

Leave he is pure evil

At present, yes. The moment when the scales fall from your eyes and you realise you are the victim of abuse is one of the most painful revelations there is. Abuse ramps up gradually and sometimes things need to get really awful before the penny drops and the reality of the situation sinks in.

Then comes the processing of that fact, and a coming to terms with it. Only then can a firm decision be made as to what the hell to do about it.

The answer is always to leave because abusers never get better, they escalate. But the process between the first revelation of your position and arriving at the point of leaving it is hard, and never straightforward.

The horrified responses to your posts have registered shock for a reason, OP. You must be reeling, and badly hurting. You have a lot to come to terms with and I genuinely feel for you. All the answers are not necessarily going to become clear to you overnight.

If you want to offload during any part of the process of coming to terms with this, MN will be here.

💐

Your daughter is right, you're putting your abusive husband first and she comes second. I think you've a choice - either keep the relationship with him or with her, you won't be able to keep both. Did you speak with Womens Aid?

Hi @RedLister, How are you? What have you decided to do?