In a dark place, I really wish I wasn’t having a second baby

[Itstigger]

When we started trying for no2, things seemed quite good. That was back in the autumn, I’m now due next month and I really, really wish I could go back on that decision. Of course I can’t, but I’m so, so worried about the days, months and years to come.

Being horribly honest here, I hate parenting my toddler. I say all the right things and I show enthusiasm and I engage, but I loathe it with every fibre of my being. He is two and a half and is incredibly destructive. He can’t seem to do anything without destroying it. Doors are slammed shut, the cats can’t have dry food left out because he throws it everywhere, he climbs onto chairs and throws things off the dining room table if we leave anything on it. It’s looking likely I’ll need a c section and god knows how we’ll cope in the house for six weeks, it will be destroyed. He also hurts the cats, so they are constantly exiled. I’m worried he’ll hurt the baby too.

I work three days a week, I used to live for my days off. Now I live for my days at work.

He wakes at 5 every day, I’m fed up of him by 8 o clock. I know that’s horrible. His latest trick is lifting my top up and shoving his head in or pulling my trousers down, I know he doesn’t mean any harm but it’s so triggering.

Please don’t anyone ask why I haven’t done this or that. I will have done this and that, he gives no fucks whatsoever.

I am hoping he’ll grow out of a lot of this, but then I have it coming again. If I knew how wretched and miserable having a toddler really was I wouldn’t have repeated it as I don’t have it in me to do this a second time.

I definitely agree with asking for a referral or seeing your GP asap. I’ll be honest and say that if I’d had DS2 first I absolutely wouldn’t have had another child as it was sincerely awful for 2 years (illness rather than behaviour but I felt thoroughly physically and emotionally shattered). But we’re through it now and life is better again.
we have no family support and DH works a lot (I was working FT too) and it’s a lot- I totally understand why you feel completely demoralised. Parenting advice is not what you need. I’m not sure what you do need to be honest, but I get it.

Totally get that - if your DH isn’t around much and that cannot change, and you don’t have extended family to call on, then is getting more help of a paid-for nature, like a mother’s help or babysitter to wear out the toddler something you or your DH could look into?

It’s within the bounds of normal to have these feelings about parenting small people. But it can also be a sign of needing more help for the sake of your mental health. Don’t suffer in silence because you think you “should” be able to cope. Your DH needs to be supportive even if he can’t be around as much as ideal - so make sure you’re communicating.

Ha! Quoted my own post when I meant to quote yours about it not being simple and not have if granny around. I’m sorry for your loss, btw, even if it was a long time ago there’s a lot with parenting small people that brings up stuff about our own parents and that can be really tough if you lost them young, or had a difficult childhood yourself.

Some can. My former DH was in the Army. He was in Afghanistan for the last six months of my pregnancy, home for three months, then away again.

Op, no advice or tips or any platitudes, just honesty.

Some of parenting is just shit. Utterly dreadful, awful shit.

Then, one day, it's less shit. And then you get more of those days, then good days and great days, and then a bit more shit, but more good and more great.

You're in a shit part. But it will pass. Promise. And until then, keep talking.

Hi OP, I just wanted to come and give you some support and tell you that your feelings and fears are totally justified.

Parenting a toddler can be REALLY hard work, let alone then having to think about introducing a new born into the situation too.

My first child was very demanding in various ways and sometimes I just wanted to run away. I loved him very much but sometimes I literally just couldn’t bear being near him because he made me feel so angry and overwhelmed. I sympathise with the feeling of just wanting to cry because I did that many times. There were times when things looked so bleak and I just couldn’t imagine anything changing or things getting better. The days dragged and the stresses of parenting absolutely consumed me. I remember once I just burst into tears at his nursery when I picked him up as they told me he’d threw a piece of Lego at another child….I just so felt utterly drained and exhausted by him that I just broke down. I really felt like I had nothing more to give. It felt like I couldn’t cope.

When he was 3.5 years old I had my second baby admittedly I was so worried about how I would cope but it was like a whole other experience.

My second child was an absolutely blessing and being a “big brother” was a wonderful experience for my firstborn. The first 6 months were difficult as we did have quite a bad sibling envy which led me to lots of tears from me, but when the baby got about 6-7 months old my first born was besotted with him. They were both each other’s form of entertainment and they were far too busy having fun with each other to cause me any bother. Having a second baby made parenting so much easier because my eldest was so focused on the baby that all his previous difficult behaviours simply stopped. My youngest grew up totally enthralled by his older brother and he never caused me any problems at all with his behaviour because he just followed his brother around all the time. He’s always been an absolute angel.

They’re 9 and 5 (almost 6) now and they still absolutely adore each other.

It may sound really trite and cliched, and I know it’s been said before, but your experience of parenting with two children may be so so different to your current experience of parenting one. As you identified, it is a risk as none of us can predict how our second child will be and how their arrival will impact on our first borns etc but all we can do is hope for the best.

I totally understand your fears and worries though, I can relate to a lot of what you have been saying about how you feel about parenting and your child.

I truly hope that it all works out for you OP and that life can become more pleasant for you x

I agree with this. Please please speak up. I suffered in silence because I blamed myself for not being able to cope with motherhood.

@Itstigger
Solidarity, I felt exactly the same as you. I found the first six months with a toddler and new baby so hard but I kept thinking I don't need to do this again. They will get older and they do become easier. I really enjoyed their teen years and twenties. Babies and toddlers are so demanding and dependent and boring. They became much much easier when the youngest turned two.
Find yourself a friend in exactly the same boat and make arrangements for a playdate to offload once a week. I hated smug mothers telling me how great they were and how wonderful being a parent was for them. Some women are programmed to say nasty tactless things, presumably hoping that you will go into a deep decline. I remember each and everyone of them. A lot eventually go their comeuppance in some form or another.
Sending you love and support

This is going to sound odd, but when did you last have your blood pressure checked? An impending sense of doom is a symptom of pre-eclampsia

How does he behave at the childcare? Do they have any concerns?

It's exhausting having a toddler and being pregnant at the best of times. When DH is around can he do the early mornings? Does he work away?

I got pregnant with DD2 when DD1 was 17 months. She hit 18m and turned into satan's apprentice. It was like she knew. We always joked that had it taken one more month to conceive our second, DD1 would have been an only child.

However, despite absolutely dreading the birth of my second as a result of a miserable pregnancy that I spent stopping DD1 from climbing up the curtains/trying to shave the cats/rubbing a whole tub of sudocreme into her hair each day, as soon as DD2 was born she was enchanted by her sister. Became a different kid. She also started nursery a couple of mornings that half term to give me and the new baby a break and that really helped her and me (my motivation when enrolling her was entirely to give myself a break! But it ended up being great for her socially too).

So all is not lost. Try and out some things in place now that will help you later- nursery or a child minder maybe, or regular family help if you have it- but there's a good chance that becoming a big brother will change your son and it will all be much better than your envisage.

Good luck.

I sympathise OP, I've been where you are.

My son was a high needs, tantruming nightmare from 2-4 years and was a high needs baby before that. I also had VERY limited family help and a husband who worked away.

I had to laugh re the suggestion to take him out and splash in puddles. I used to do this because staying in the house was so soul destroying and all that happened was that he would tantrum outdoors too because he basically wanted to run in the road, run away from me, eat stones, touch dirty shit on the floor etc.

It was a miserable time. I totally get it. I hated parenting so much throughout that period. I can only agree with others in that it will get better as he gets older. Not much help now but something to hold on to?

@Itstigger
And anyone who tells me to put on waterproofs and go for a walk can choke on said waterproofs.

Well I can tell you what won't help, wallowing in self pity.. Putting a post out for some sympathy is fine, to a point, but isn't going to change anything.
Perhaps you're depressed, getting regular exercise would be good for you. It would certainly help your child. Parenting classes also sound like a good idea for you. Perhaps you want the sympathy more than a solution.

Your toddler is picking up on your resentment and unhappiness, which is causing him to act out. It's probably not the only reason that he's "high maintenance" but it would definitely help if you could break the cycle. Is there any way you could get some help at home, someone who could alleviate the exhaustion you're feeling? It's difficult I know.

Ah I remember those times so well. My first DS was extremely challenging like yours. I hated parenting! I became very strict very firm and felt like I was always telling him off. I also did daily fresh air morning walks to playground etc. Lots of structured classes very strick routine ( god I loved it when I got him to bed at 7pm each night), nothing really solved it but maybe it helped.
DS2 was an absolute breeze in comparison btw and over time DS2 got much easier he actually benefitted from having a sibling, the strick parenting paid off and he matured.
I had a third and by then I was chilled out finding it easy parent. I kept the routine and I still use the school teacher voice as that works!.
My nightmare toddler is now 15 very well behaved , polite and on track for top GCSE grades, it turned out he was exceptionally bright ( probably why he was such hard work)
Hang in there things change and toddlers do grow up! I cried so much back then and often dreamed of running away or needing admission to hospital to avoid the daily trauma of him. I also loved going to work to escape 😉.

Your dh needs to be doing more when he is there. Why isn't he getting up early with dc? Why isn't he taking dc out at the weekends so you can have a break?

Op I feel you and I was you word for word thoughts was how I felt. He is now 6 and invalid easier although still co sleeps and keeps me up most of night with his sleep issues.
I have just found out I am pg and def not planned although stupidly not as careful as should have been. All my PND and last struggles are smashing me in the face and I am seriously contemplating termination.
i know our situations are different but just want to say I can completely understand you. Have you ever thought about hiring a mothers help. The only way I can contemplate is to have someone here most days for 4 hours at a time. That doesn’t help with sick kids though really.
I just feel sorry for my 6 year old as think he will be a great big bro but my heart says I will feel suicidal again